I do not think your SO's behaviour is acceptable and it is up to fathers to hold the boundaries over potentially sexual type interactions with their daughters. They have to be very careful from the age of about 9 or ten onwards.
My parents were very distant and had seperate bedrooms, and I often used to get in bed with my dad up until I was about 12. There was no funny business (at least that I can recall) but I feel it was quite inappropriate and should have stopped years before. He even took me on holiday to Austria when I was about 13 and we shared a double bed in the hotel. Looking back on this makes me cringe - what was he thinking of?

I suggest you let your SO know that you are unhappy about this and you would prefer it not to happen again. I think fathers do have a positive role to play in their daughter's developing sexuality - but it is in giving them compliments and boosting their self esteem, not climbing into bed with them. Whether or not he was sexually aroused is not really the point - he shouldn't do it.

Freedom,
Sounds like you aren't married to this fellow yet. You should think long and hard about EVER marrying him and even about continuing this relationship if he doesn't seem like he wants to work with you on these things. I have been married to DH for 9 years now and my life, due to he and his SD35, has been absolutely awful. It took me a while to figure out why he was emotionally unavailable to me, but after much research and counseling, I finally understand. You are so right, they develop these relationships, because they get so much unconditional acceptance from young daughters and do not have to deal with a real adult relationship with a woman. Unfortunately, if this starts, believe me, it will never end. My DH has agreed he allowed his SD35 to be his "surrogate" wife for the 18 years he was divorced. No wonder he was divorced that long. I don't think anything ever happened sexually, but emotionally she was his wife, and sadly, still is. I like you, do wonder, if he has feelings for her that go beyond this. To add even more fun to all this, she is very manipulative and has caused many problems in our marriage, she knows she can. Just a few weeks ago, she told DH that she thinks I hate her, and his response to me was "if she doesn't feel welcome here, I want a divorce". I am really over it this time, and am making plans. Her cousin said to me one time, SD35 acts like DH is her boyfriend. Of course when I told him, he got furious. Anyway, I've tried everything I know of, I've talked, cried, begged, went to a counselor, but I've finally accepted where I really stand. Maybe with her still being young, together you could turn things around. But SO will have to be on board - otherwise, forget it. Mine recently told me he had a perfect life before he married me - hopefully they won't both begin to see you as barrier to their happiness.

If your SO doesn't realize there's a problem and isn't willing to address or change it, then your relationship doesn't stand a chance. You'll end up miserable, resenting them both. His comment about you staying out of his business was callous and unnecessary. It's not appropriate for him to sleep with his teen daughter period! If he's trying to convince you to stay in his life, his emotional attachment to his daughter is your business.

I too am a member of that dreaded club. One day, before we got married, SO and I went shopping. I ran across a perfume I thought was nice, and he recommended something else he thought was nice . . something his daughter enjoyed wearing. I told him I didn't want to smell like his daughter. Weird to say the least.

Flash ahead to being married now a few years. SD (28) has lived with us since we've been married. It's been quite difficult because of the lack of privacy and the conflict she's caused. Before we got married, DH's sister warned me "make sure he puts you first." SD also pulled that "Shannon doesn't like me" BS to him. And everytime I'd complain about something regarding her, he'd throw it in my face. I told him to never mention it again. I then listed all the rotten things she'd done to me and asked him if he were in my shoes, how would he feel? Of course he didn't have an answer except to look foolish.

A few months ago things got so bad that I left for a few days to stay with my sister. I told DH I didn't want to come back and that I felt he was more emotionally attached to SD than to me. It was sickening to watch and of course it caused me to resent her more than I already did. I witnessed small things that he did for her but wouldn't think to do for me. He would greet her with a "good morning dear daughter" bright and cheerful, but all I got was complaints about how crummy his day had been and other negative woe is me comments. I made it clear that if things didn't change I was leaving for good. He's now on his best behavior and has made progress. He also watches me more closely to see if I'm visibly displeased with his interactions w/SD. I refused to put up with this BS and would rather be alone than endure this. It's painful and disrespectful and no one should have to endure it for the sake of love.

Good luck.

Mustang1 . . .SD used to get out of the shower and prance around the house wearing nothing but a towel. Of course DH's eye would bug out. Disgusting :sick:

I agree, it's a matter of respect or a lack thereof. I recall saying the same thing about SD. . the only one who should see her in a towel is her fiance. I think she used to enjoy seeing her dad's eyes bug out . . sick.I threatened to tell her fiance about what was going on. My DH also used to wash SD's dishes too . .until I put my foot down. Before I moved in I have a feeling he did her laundry as well. Pathetic.

Finally, one day I got so fed up I told DH he should look for a country where it's acceptable to marry his daughter. . . and consider moving there. :sick:

Excellent post Mustang. I'm sorry I missed that, thanks for sharing. It does shed light on the issue in a way I never imagined or considered.

These are interesting thoughts. It's often why child molesters are interested in kids. They do not have to deal with the pressure of an "adult" relationship. They can maintain control at all times and use their position of authority to groom the child to however they see fit.

I guess what you all are seeing is this same phenonmenon although hopefully on not as serous of a scale. They are getting their emotional and affection needs met by their daughters-they dont have to maintain an adult emotional relationship-which requires things like honesty, intimacy, etc-but can have these needs met by little girls that they can groom to met their needs in a way that is pleasing to them. There are not as many expectations on them and they dont have to fear "failing" in these relationships as they have in past ones.

Never really gave it much thought as I have a ss, not a sd, but it really seems to make sense and this has to be one of the few times I am thankful for my stepSON vs stepdaughter.

My dd13 is actually my dh's sd (although he is the only father she has known and has been in her life since age 2)-and if I noticed any sort of behaviors like this I would be ill. He is the one that is telling me not to allow her to wear these shorts or that shirt. He doesnt sleep with her, cuddle with her, or anything else for that matter except hugs on occassion. We also have a 9 year old dd and again I dont see anything remotely like this.

I think you ladies need to confront your men on this inappropriate behavior and let them know they are setting their daughters up for failure-these girls obviously have no appropriate model for adult relationships (they cant witness it between you and dh because your dh is choosing to meet his emotional needs with her)-and they are showing these girls that children are there to meet parents needs which then they will likely go on to repeat with their own kids.

Good question, what did the counselor say?

In my case, SD dresses like she has some sense at this point. I'm reminded of an incident where DH told her to cover up because the plumber was coming by (I was at work). Apparently she was wearing shorts and he told her to put on something to cover her legs. At first she didn't take him seriously, but he told her it wasn't appropriate and that she was putting herself at risk.

We know how many predators are out there .. .just waiting for an opportunity. I'm always getting on him for not teaching her things she should know. Females w/common sense know you don't prance around wearing short shorts when workers are in your home. It took DH a while, but he finally gets it.

This sounds sick. If my DH every acted like this with his DD I would leave in a heartbeat.