I was wondering where you had ventured off to.... glad to hear from you again.
I just told my husband what you wrote about military families in Germany... I had NO IDEA. My cousin is in Germany for in the Army, he is getting married and his soon to be wife and her daughter are moving to Germany to join him.... I wonder if she has any idea of the things going on there that you talked about. This is likely going to sound very stupid.... but why all of the threats against our military in Germany? I don't get it.... I am so sorry to hear of your struggles, you will be in my prayers....
On to your stepdaughter.... please don't feel badly for your feelings. They are YOURS to feel and don't feel badly for them... We all have reasons for thinking and feeling the way we do and you don't need to justify that to anyone other than yourself. I'm glad to hear that you are not making any spur of the moment decisions without throughly thinking through the repercussions .... I don't know what I would do in your situation. I just wanted to let you know that your feeling are not bad or wrong, and you are in my prayers.

Hey! I'm an Army wife too ... oh the things we endure and the wonderful pleasures we are put through for our husband's to defend our country. I think we deserve gold medals sometimes! My DH is in the 3rd Stryker Brigade ... I presume by your post that you are 1st Stryker Brigade. I'm lucky in that DH has been kept back on 3rd's second deployment in Iraq due to the fact that he was blown up the first time around and is having back surgery on the 5th, after taking 2 years to figure out what was wrong with him. Gotta love the Army! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there are other Army wives out there too ...

As for your SD ... I can't say I understand because I love my SS as if he were my own. But you are entitled to your feelings. But as my husband says, and I'm sure you know ... the odds are with your husband ... If I did feel the way you did ... if it makes him feel better about his deployment, and keeps his mind where it needs to be (on his work) while he is in Iraq, I'd do it ... because my love for him is that great!

But you need to make the decision that is best for you. Good luck and God Speed to your husband ...

~ Katrina

What can I say, except I've been there, too, and it's so very unpleasant dealing with the what-ifs. When my husband's helicopter went down in Afghanistan, I got countless phone calls and emails before I got the phone call I really wanted... from him telling me that he wasn't flying that day because he was conducting a training session. He would always make sure I knew which aircraft he was assigned to, so that if I saw anything on the news, I would know by the number on the tail if it was him or not. Yep, that's the life we chose, but nope, it's not an easy one.

Adoption... take Iraq out of the equation. Would you want to adopt her if he were a used car salesman? Would you be willing to raise her without him? If the answer is yes, go for it. You will probably have to get consent from the BM, though, and it's a long, involved process. It took us over a year when my husband adopted my son, and that was with no one contesting it! You have to wait for court dates, you have to file a ton of papers, you have to have a home study done by either social services or a private agency. We thought we would qualify for having social services do it, being a military family. (We all know how "big" those military paychecks are.) Nope, we made $34 too much and had to pay over $500 to have a private agency tell us that my son could continue living with my husband. I'm not even sure what the process would be if you're OCONUS.

What you can do, though, is go to base legal and get the process started, so that he can sign whatever needs to be signed and have his wishes emphatically documented. Even if you can't complete it before he deploys, it will be in the works. Have all the paperwork ready for filing an emergency petition so that the lawyer automatically files it upon his death, that way you can beat her to the punch. Maybe just having this "in the works" will give him some peace of mind.

I'm not going to give you a long spiel about keeping positive and all that crap, because it's just not that easy to do. I'm just going to remind you of something you already know... you're tough, you'll make it.

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Good point Steve ... check with JAG and see. Also, Anne is right, you do have to get the BM's approval for the adoption.

I have to agree with Steve ... you can always back out.

~ Katrina

I have been following your story for a while and I too was wondering where you'd gone! Glad to see you back...and I have you and your family in my thoughts during this difficult time.

Something you said really struck a chord with me. You mentioned that DH is vindictive enough to come after you for CS if things did not work out post-adoption. I think that's your answer right there. I know that you love him, but what he's asking, especially considering all of the unhappiness you've had, is a LOT. I realize that we often have to make sacrifices for the ones that we love, and it's not always pretty. But even if the BEST of circumstances, this kind of situation would give me pause. If even after you were to agree and put everything you've felt about this child aside to help him out in this totally selfless way, he would STILL go after you should you decide to part ways? That's unfortunate and it would be a BIG red flag for me. It's like entering into a marriage with someone who basically makes it clear that in the event of divorce, s/he'd "clean out" the other partner.

I do agree with what Steve said...about stopping the process if you change your mind...but I also would not want to make any promises that you don't intend to keep. I think that you really need to lay ALL of this out to DH. I know he's under stress, but that's part of life. You can't afford NOT to ignore this. Also consider that you will be adopting a child that you have admitted to not having much affection for (and I am so not condemning you because I've felt that way about SS myself)...is that fair to her should something happen to her father? God forbid something happens to DH...it will be very difficult for both of you.

I have been struggling a lot lately with the notion of selflessness and sacrifice. When is suffering for someone else'e benefit the "right" thing? When is it wrong? When is enough ENOUGH? When is putting ourselves first NOT selfish? It's hard to figure out, at least for me. I think it's different for everyone. Just know that there is no "good" or "bad" thing in this case. You can only do what you are capable of.

Good luck!!!

Using logic, & considering how you feel about the child and the binding financial situation, I WOULD NOT ADOPT THAT CHILD. At one point, you have to look out for your best interest, because he is not. He chose to go into the military, not you. He chose to have a child, not you. Why should it be your responsibility if you don't really want it. He is certainly taking care of himself & what he wants to do. Follow his lead. You do for you.

I just wanted to say that all of your husbands are heros!!!!!

Dawn

I am sure it is not from lack of trying. You cannot make SD love you, nor can you make yoursef love her. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we cannot create emotions. You are not bad in any way for having these feeling. You are human. I would not recommend adoption. You cannot raise a child solo that you feel no connection to. Good luck with your situation. And I will be praying for husband's safe return.