People say a lot of stuff when they are upset, and I WAS very, very upset, but along with being upset, I also blew things out of proportion. What is unacceptable to one person is fine with another person. I did have my breaking point and we dealt with it accordingly and have laid down some ground rules, but if I hadn't said anything about it before I get angry, he shouldn't have to read my mind. He also said he would never have her stay as long as she was staying again, but because she's so unstable there is NOTHING we can do about it. And it was 2 months negotiation about the -prenup- -- on every other level we agree just about 100%, from who does what in the house to how the kids should be disciplined. He backs me up every step of the way and we very very rarely don't present a united front when it comes to the kids.

Why does he keep doing it...good question and a few answers. Because she doesn't have a home because the government purportedly was going to put her into a witness protection program so she put in notice at her house and quit her job last year. Not surprisingly, a month went by and el governor never contacted her. She moved back in with her mother last year and I think when she leaves here she will be going back up to "live on a farm". She has no intention of ever working again because she thinks the government is going to be giving her a huge settlement for emotional distress because of this terr*orism that she's had to deal with, being targeted by a group that supposedly keeps trying to kill her (why a mother would put her children in danger by visiting and thereby making -them- the "target" too, ummmm HELLO?!). She's on disability, so we don't even get the child support she's supposed to be paying. We don't want to garnish it through a court order because then she'd have no money and all and we'd end up sending it so what difference does it make? She doesn't have her head straight, so there is no trying to get her to be rational.

We would PREFER that the kids stayed close to home and not 1200 miles away in another country if they are going to have visitation. We feel like the negative effects of having all of us together are outweighed by the possible events that could happen if they are that far away. I don't believe she's dangerous to her kids at all...she loves them tremendously. However, she is typical, quick to irritate, rambling sentence structures, difficulty remembering things, etcetc and if she thought I was a threat she -might- do something, but I really don't think so and don't intend to test it. She can just be infuriating and my so generally can't stand her. Apparetnly I also jumped to conclusions about what they were talking about on the porch. He told me, If it makes you feel better, she and the kids had been camping the previous weekend and she was telling him that the youngest told a joke to the oldest, a silly knock-knock joke. I told him I didn't really feel better but that at least I knew it wasn't about them. He really can't stand her and having her there makes him miserable -- we can't wait for her to get the hell out again!!

My so is a wonderful, kind human being who has had to deal with this woman for going on 8 years now. He's very protective of himself and very protective of the boys. Also, alot of the stuff I wrote was his first reaction to when I left, and people's first reactions are generally their worse. He has abandonment issues just like many of us and when I just walk out and leave like that because I can't articulate what is bothering me, the first thing he does is get, *gasp* very, very upset. As far as the prenup, I probably shouldn't have said anything about that because many people -think- they know what a prenup is, but in actuality it's an incredible way to protect yourself from financial abuse. Okay, maybe it can be construed as being "a precursor of the end"...asking for it to end. Since when has being COMPLETELY financially transparent every hurt a couple who were about to get married? Most people don't talk about money until AFTER they get married, when they realize one is a saver and one's a spender and life is a living hell thereafter. People who say money isn't everything are full of crap -- money is the MOST talked about issue in a relationship and of the 50% of people who get divorced, 39 percent of them are getting divorced because of money issues. I am HAPPY that my money is going to be protected from him and his kids if anything ever goes wrong and we split up. We intend to join our money together anyways and y'know what? My so is right...we will be taking care of each other and putting our money into a pot together, and if we ever have problems with money, then it's not a money or legal problem anymore, it's a -relationship- problem and we are protected. I only WISH that a lot of the ladies on this board who are were taken for a ride, not only paying for their own kids but for their so's kids, had signed a prenup stating that at least the money and the things they owned before the marriage stayed theirs -- then at least the kids don't have to leave a home that has been split in two! Yes, it took him forever to see my point of view. He can be very stubborn. But he did eventually and that's what counts. He's also had a stable, high-paying job for 5 years, owns his own house, and he's had to give up a lot to take care of these kids from the age of 23. It's always going to be harder to convince someone who has been burned before that you're not going to abuse them like the one before. Even harder where there are kids involved.

Anyways, we are NOT doing this for the BM, we are doing this for the kids. We could have her stay at a hotel, but who the hell is going to pay for it for months? We could have her stay at a friend, but who the hell would have their kids visit a hippie community? We could have them go up there, and who the hell is going to pay the 1800 dollars for them to fly up with someone three times a year? Either way we get screwed and we pay.

There's no solution until one presents itself. He's been good for me. I was laid off two weeks ago and within one day he had found a great job for me and put in the references. He keeps the house clean, etcetcetc.

Anyways, I think I've run on long enough. Thank you for your comment but I'm pretty sure he and I are in this together and will remain so.