Stepparent Poll....How many of us have Pre-nups for our marriages?
I have listened to countless women on here, who have no financial stability in their marriage and it makes me so sad. One of the things I got out of this site when I first started on here over 7 years ago, was to keep my financial independence. I did get a very long pre-nup and even had some interesting things put in there because of situations I read on here and on another blog I am on for young widows. We are about to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary in a few months and we still have issues with BM and SD. I reminded DH of a clause in our pre-nup when we were arguing about a stunt that SD and BM pulled again. I have a clause in there that I collect a large sum of alimony for 6 months after our divorce if the marriage lasts 5 years. He had forgotten, but at the time, I had turned down a good job in another city making almost twice what I was currently making for another firm. He had to stay for SK's. I didn't and my son would have thrived anywhere.
Let's put it this way, he was stunned that I was well aware of that clause and told him that if SD was mentioned again or he didn't confront her on this latest stunt with his family, then I was done and would just bide my time until that clause came into effect, just to make him suffer. SD repeated something she had done a few years ago with my IL's who I have no relationship with.
I have other things in the pre-nup, including that I will not be financially responsible for any grandchildren that are not biologically related to me. SD was a bit out of control at the time, but no one wanted to see it. I also, made him take out a large life insurance policy since everything he had he insisted on it going to his kids.
I also, moved into his house since it made logical sense for our kids and kept my house. I do not pay for anything for this house, I only pay half the utilities. I keep the profit from renting mine out. I don't want to be on this house, and I will not put him on mine. Makes a divorce easier if need be. Also, my first husband knew he was dying and was never on our house at that time and it made his death, much easier. I have to have a strategy in case this marriage blows up over SD. We are fine otherwise, but she manages to do something about every 6 months. Also, he knows if she comes back to live here, I am gone. Not neccessarily divorced, but I will not live here with her after what she has done.
I am just curious how many of us, took the situations that we saw on here and made sure that we were protected. Either by a pre-nup or having secret bank accounts or other ways to make sure we do not lose our independence.
- Jsmom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I have a prenup. It doubles
I have a prenup. It doubles as a will. We're going to update it into a postnup soon, after our little one is born so we can make sure its given everything between the two of us (DH, as he is not in SS's life and BM just collects CS, does not want any of his things--which is very little--going to a child he had no control over the financial education.)
I pay for the food in our house, which I own (but he is buying from me in terms of a 10 year mortgage--he will still keep it in my name, except upon divorce, he gets it reverted to his name if he has paid it off fully), while I collect rent from my other house, as I am working on commission alone, and that rent is my steady income, as well as the mortgage. Oh and the money I loaned with interest to the business for capital improvements.
No alimony. No spousal support. I don't want or need it and I won't give it to him. Debts and assets accumulated before and during marriage are each of our own, but upon either of our deaths the other person has full right to use it until their death--but it will be in a trust to our child's name. His brother is the executor of his estate, and my sister is the executor of mine.
We'll probably update it every five years, or after a big life event (like another kid), or another significant purchase. Hell if BM will ever see a dime from the income generated from these properties since I intend to accrue more real estate for rental, so every property we get during marriage will be in my name alone, whether or not he contributes (probably not, since I am the one with the most liquid assets and he just breaks even with his income.)
I recommend a prenup for anyone and everyone, whether you have assets or not.
However, as a word of advice, I don't recommend threatening him with the prenup whenever a dispute comes up... it can cause him to feel trapped.
I have never mentioned the
I have never mentioned the pre-nup before, but since he created this dynamic with my SD and what she did is a repeat of what she did to us before, again, I have no problem, throwing it in his face. This child has cost me and him so much. I had plans for myself politically in our town, but because of her, that can't happen. When this happened again, we didn't speak for 4 days....That is a long time to be angry at someone again. I wouldn't be so angry if this wasn't a repeat or that DH had handled it immediately.
We are good now. But, I am getting really tired of every 6 months this kid doing something that is so detrimental to us and our marriage. I never had a honeymoon period with him, since she and BM amped up their torment. We were sued by SD about 6 months after we were married. Not a great way to start.
This is a unicorn but I have
This is a unicorn but I have to agree with this... It does seem that on this board at least, it's only acceptable if it protects the woman because she wants her things to be given to her kids, or if she doesn't want to support the guy since he doesn't have as great a job...
A guy who asks for a prenup that excludes his wife is given the axe, at least here. On the other hand though, women are more likely to at least include a little something for their husbands...
I have no problem with a man
I have no problem with a man suggesting a pre-nup to protect his kids, but the new wife must also be provided for and protect her own assets. If she has none, than he needs to give her at least equal to what is split between his children.
I know most people feel that
I know most people feel that way, but... then again the opposite can cause some eyebrows to be raised and opposition given... I mean would that apply if the woman was the breadwinner was well? If the guy has none (even though he may be capable or was capable of working, just like most women), should the woman also provide equal to her children?
What if the husband cheated?
Or abused her?
What if it was the other way around?
If the husband abused or
If the husband abused or cheated, she still gets what she agreed to in the pre-nup. She can contest it based on that, but we all go into a marriage and take a risk. The pre-nup takes away some of the risk. There is still always a chance a marriage can go terribly wrong. Some pre-nups have a clause in there for cheating. Depends on how extensive yours is.
As for the woman being the breadwinner, as long as you take back out what you bring in and you split everything accumulated since the marriage the pre-nup protects the breadwinner regardless of the sex.
I do think that can all be
I do think that can all be handled in the pre-nup. I have a lump sum settlement in mine for Alimony, because I gave up a good job to stay with DH. Also, he wanted it enforceable after 12 years, the amount of time he had with BM. I said 2 years, we agreed at 5 years. Everything is negotiable to protect that, we just have to have the foresight to ask for it.
Unfortunately not every circumstance can be predicted.
I apologize. To clarify, I
I apologize. To clarify, I meant, if the woman had to provide alimony instead, but her husband cheated--and there was no clause. Would people think that's fair?
Likewise, if both partners work and accrued assets, but the woman has more (as in my case), should she provide spousal support upon divorce? If the husband gave up his job to move with the wife and got a lesser paying job, should he still be receiving alimony then? Did you have a clause for him, in the event that if at the time of divorce, you were better off, that you would provide alimony to him after five years.
I think you're mixing wills and prenups. Although prenups can second as a will with death clauses, divorce and death are two different things. I believe HRNYC and I are talking about the divorce aspect, whereas you are talking about the death aspect.
Anyway, everyone has different opinions on that, I thought it was worth noting that there is a double standard between men and women for prenups... and I apologize if my questions seem confrontational.
Our pre-nup in this state
Our pre-nup in this state also acts as our wills.
Yes, but there are separate
Yes, but there are separate clauses for them on the prenup. I agree surviving spouses for death should be taken care of in some way. (However, personally, the assets allotted to them should have an agreement as to who they go to after the surviving spouse passes--hell if my properties will go to the skid--my point is-- if a guy were to post this, or if a wife posted this is what her husband wanted, he would be blasted to hell.)
Alimony on the other hand, if I wouldn't want to give it, then I wouldn't want to receive it.
Yup. Or they can contest it.
Yup. Or they can contest it. We just chose to triple protect ourselves. Most of our things are under companies (mostly LLC's and S-Corps)--which actually makes things easier as it's also protected under corporate law as to how the shares are handled. Prenup, will get a post nup, have the corporate filings/documents on the ownership and transferrence upon death, and will get a will soon. Just waiting to pop this one out.
It's a great way to protect yourself as well from liability issues with rental properties and stuff.
Woman can work, but if the
Woman can work, but if the man is worth more it is only fair that if he leaves 100K to be split among his children, he leaves 100K to his widow...She needs to be taken care of as well.
I probably come at this from a different perspective than most, since I have already done the widowhood thing and my first husband died without any life insurance or a will.
Sounds like me - he doesn't
Sounds like me - he doesn't get any but will not starve to death. Because of health issues if I died and assets went to DH and then passed on to his son (alcoholic with liver issues) MY assets would go to BM. That is NOT ever going to happen.
I am protected but DH really
I am protected but DH really is not provided for. He came into this marriage with basically nothing (thanks to 2nd wife).
I've told him that if we split for not being compatible I would start him up financially (car, apartment, etc), but if he cheated on me I would lock him out of the house naked an never speak to him again. }:)
Is this totally fair to DH? Probably not but my money will not be passed from me to him to SS to BM. If I predecease DH he will not starve to death but he will not have all my money.
For me, I'm in the same
For me, I'm in the same place. DH will get my liquid assets (savings, etc.) to spend how he likes. But all tangible assets he can use, but ultimately is to pass to our child.
My BS17 gets my retirement
My BS17 gets my retirement and the rental house and DH gets the life insurance. Same for him. Except for him I also get the 401K since that is the law on that one.
This works for me. I do not want my SK's to inherit anything of mine. They have a mom and a dad, my son only has me.
Another question for
Another question for everyone, how many are protected from inheritances? We put that in there that the other can not take any inheritances from our family. He stands to inherit from his late brother when his father dies and I never thought that was fair of me to profit from. If we are married, fine, but not mine in a divorce. Same for mine. My son will inherit a house when one of my parents dies and I do not want DH to have access to that. At the time we did the pre-nup BS was 13.
Our kid will ultimately
Our kid will ultimately inherit everything. All tangible assets anyway. The surviving spouse can use it until their death, can't be kicked out of it, while what we inherit from each other will be any liquid asset less what has been placed into the trust for our kid.
I will never marry without a
I will never marry without a pre nup, whether I am rich or not, I will retain the value of everything I own and earn for myself and my kids no one else, ever. This is just one of the reasons my mother is now telling me, "maybe he doesn't mean enough to you then?" No one ever will, no one but my kids would I be willing to ruin my dreams for again. Since they wouldn't dare ask me to give up my dreams longer than I have they look forward to me fulfilling them so that's not a concern, but a man will never control me again.
This. I still don't get why
This. I still don't get why some people think it's setting up for divorce.
Do we get car insurance because we're setting ourselves up for a car accident? Homeowners insurance because we are setting up to burn our own houses down?
No, we are just preparing for the worst case scenario to make sure we are protected.
I really don't look at it as
I really don't look at it as setting up as a divorce. I really wished I set up a pre-nup. You are really protecting yourself. I never like pre-nup because back then it was like saying you don't trust your marriage to last and marriage is suppose to be forever but in this day in time. It is hard to find someone that has not been married. Lots of people out there divorced or had a civil divorce and have kids on the side. You marry one of these people and there is a chance you are going to get stressed out in these kinds of relationships because of the EX and the step kids... You get tired of games...
If not that then you protect your assets for your children someday because again I am in a or was in a situation that I had a business and a home paid for and had the BM send her friend to me to tell me, that if I died she the BM would end up with my assets.. She had made it clear that if something happen to me while her children are still under 18 she would fight for my assets because my husband would not get any of it. She had the divorce papers written up if he came into any money, land, and inheritance while the children are still under 18 it all goes straight to her. "Of course I realize these papers to late and had to have a professional to read them to understand them. I did not really think you could set your papers up like that but apparently you can.
I would also advice read your soon to be husband divorce papers. If I knew this existed I would say my husband would not be worth marrying...
We do not have a prenup but I
We do not have a prenup but I wish we did.
Here is why: before DH and I got married I sold my house. Since the economy was bad I made very little profit.
DH has the house that was his and BM's. He got the house in the divorce and a whole bunch of personal property too.
When DH and I got together I left a great job with great benefits and took most of my furniture and belongings (mine was better quality) and moved in.
Then I spent alot of my money on the house and buying stuff that was ours, remodeling etc. (stupid decision)
When we got married I just figured we would share everything. Not that I married him for his house, his belongings or his money (if so I would not have choosen him but someone else) but that it would be ours.
Now it seems like he is always trying to make sure that I know specifically what is His only. He will say "I sold XXX and bought ZZZ but it is still mine because XXX was mine before we got married". It is so frustrating and so aggravating.
I don't care about his stuff but I did put money into HIS house (stupid mistake). I am financially and emotionally invested into his house.
I am working 40 hours a week making a lot less money than my old job because I moved to his city, I don't have the benefits that I had before at my old job and I am helping him pay some of the household expenses. Yet I have NOTHING of real value to show for my money.
It is making me upset.
I wish that I would have had him sign a pre-nup that he would pay me alimony of the difference of my old and current salary plus bonuses and benefits if we divorced.
That he would pay for my moving expenses anywhere I wanted to move and agree to let me live in HIS house for a (un)specified length of time upon his death.
So now that the prenup did not take place my plan is to save money and buy me a small piece of property that will be my investment.
But the question remains if I buy some property will it be my property or OURS since we are married?
I am so proud of the women
I am so proud of the women who get this and have gotten the pre-nup to protect themselves...Good job Steptalk!!! I don't want to believe in divorce, but it happens and we need to protect ourselves. It is unromantic, but once it is done, you don't have to think about it again, unless their is a problem. And let's be honest, in these 2nd blended family situations, there are nothing but problems and most do end up divorced.
I provide for my dh in my
I provide for my dh in my will but for the pre-nup, what's mine is mine. it's more protection from his evil spawn and the ex wife than to try to keep things separate.