I'm suprised! My SD11 has turned over a new leaf! She has decided (for now) to LOVE ME!!!

She has greeted me with kisses, hugs and smiles. She has opened up to me and talked about her day and other things without it being a 15 questions 1 answer deal. Though she still has the attitude at times, she has completely and totally changed. Here is what happened and what I think made the difference.

THE DIFFENCE - There was a major blowout where I stood my ground with her, her mother, her bio-grandmother and bio-aunt (if you read my blog on choking you will understand the situation the occurred that lead to biofamily to major PAS). Basically, sd11 choked sd6 and threatened to KILL HER! In fact, days later she even wrote a note about it!!!

The aftermath to this "choking incident" was that bio-family decided to attack me specifically and relentlessly, as well as DH. Mostly through voice mail/text and some through the children (two girls 11 & 6). Needless to say, it has been difficult and has tested mine and DH patience.

THE DIFFERENCE - the way I handle this verbal battery was to remain calm at all times when dealing with them - - especially the children. Which was very difficult nevertheless, I did it.

I didn't reply with mean words about them or their behavior, I simply ignored what I could and I replied with simple remarks to others. I picked and choose what portions I was going to reply to. Most of my replies simply stated facts (NO EMOTION) and how they didn't even bother to call me to get the other side of the story but instead determined what "really had happened" through the eyes of an 11 year old and that their behavior was inappropriate considering the incident and the severity. Not to mention they were defending sd11 behavior but not even remotely considering the feelings of sd6 - who in my opinion was the viticm in all of this.

What sparked the verbal battery was NOT the actual choking, but that fact that DH and I said "next time, we will call the police". The crap hit the fan at that point. They couldn't beleive we would even consider calling the police! And were appalled, but never ever did they take into consideration the fact that sd6 life could be in jeopardy. They completely disregarded that part! idiots!!!

THE DIFFERENCE - When sd11 mentioned, made or repeated any comments the biofamily had regarding me, DH or anything. I would TELL HER THE TRUTH. In simple terms I would just tell her the truth and I even went as far as asking her to open her eyes and see what was happening - - that she was smarter that all of this bs that was happening. That these were NOT her feelings!!

THE DIFFERENCE - I talked enough to explain to her that what happened should NEVER EVER happen again. I attempted to put her fears to rest about us calling the police, but that IF she did that again we would have NO CHOICE but to call someone because it was not right of ANYONE NOT JUST HER to hurt someone and threaten to kill them. I told her I was worried, I told her I loved her and I believed in her to make the right decisions from this point forward.

I kept it all positive with a little scare tacted included just so she knew IF she did that again what would happen. I tried to teach her right from wrong while at the same time put her fears to rest (about going to jail as her biofamily put it), by basically telling her that she needed to talk and not react to her anger. That her anger would inturn get her in serious trouble with authority.

THE DIFFERENCE - A week after this conversation and horrible weekend visit she didn't want to come back to see her father and specifically me. I suggested she bring her a friend that she is close too. She did and it was a wise move on my part. Her friend got to see that life at our house is normal! Shocking!! It's normal!! lol Her friend has a stepmom and within two hours of being around me the friend said in front of SD11 - - "you are just like my stepmom" I said "how so?" she replied "you are really nice." I said, "i'm not mean like sd11 has said?" she replied "No, you have to be sometimes when you disapline." LOL that's right.

In summary what I have learned through this is,
*Honest communication (age appropriate of course) is key.
*Not letting your emotions run your best judgement is key.
*Not letting others tell lies about you and making sure you correct those as soon as possible is key.
*Offering understanding to a child that doesn't get it anywhere else is key.
*Giving them clear rules for their behavior. Like you choke her or hurt her again, we will have no choice but to call XYZ. Though we really really don't want to we will have no choice, because if we don't WE will get in trouble and so will you.
*telling them you don't know what to do. telling them you are afraid too.
Most Imporatnt*******Love them until you can't possibly love them anymore.