DH is so unsupportive!
Now it seems that DH is giving ME the silent treatment and getting his little digs in in support of his daughter! I call him on it (very diplomatically of course) and all he can throw at me is that SD17 and I have MUTUALLY hurt each other's feelings and that my giving SD the silent treatment isn't helping resolve the issue! He seems less concerned about my feelings stating I'm the adult and I should handle it better. I've done this for 10 years and when SD was 8, mean and manipulative / I took the high road and did not engage her but 17 is old enough to know better and if she wants for fight like a woman than she better be prepared to deal with the consequences - she is not a child anymore and cannot hide behind Daddy!
I know that DH is in a difficult position, being stuck in the middle wondering who he should side with.
This week has been akward. If I don't have anything nice to say to SD17, I don't say anything at all. DH stupidly confides in my sister that he wishes I would just get over it because he can't stand the tension in the house. My sis sticks up for me and clues me in on DH's feelings on the subject. I've tried explaining to DH how deeply my feelings are hurt but he just doesn't get it.
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I don't really have any real
I don't really have any real supportive comment about your blog (sorry), but I did want to say that I *like* your handle. hee hee
Yeah, I've been calling
Yeah, I've been calling myself that for years ~ send the kids to DH for sympathy ~ send them to me "Hitlermom" for discipline! When on better terms with SD17 we both used it fairly often and it was funny. . . . .
GO FIGURE!!!!
wow, that sounds like my
wow, that sounds like my situation. I've dealt with SD19's tantrums and rants for over 7 years now. SO keeps saying she's an adult but refuses to make her accountable for her actions. over the years any time she's spent in our home has made my skin crawl. I ignore her and she ignores me. since then she's taken to blatantly disrespecting me and SO just says "well you won't talk to her!". ooh, good come back! I've wanted to at least have a civil relationship with her, but after so many years of anguish and due to her recent actions, I'm going to have to call it a loss and let it go. NO MORE DRAMA!! say it with me, ladies!
I get so sick of DH saying he
I get so sick of DH saying he feels he needs to choose a side. The only reason he feels that way is because his CHILD is making him feel that way, not me. Goodness forbid we open up our eyes and see that our child is manipulating us.
I don't think giving the SD17
I don't think giving the SD17 the "silent treatment" is a bad option. It's much better than blurting out things that will only make matters worse ESPECIALLY since DH is not supportive.
I have stood up to SD before and was told by DH that I over-stepped my boundaries. We took the advise from our counselor that while a step parent can raise concerns and suggest options to the bio parent, ULTIMATELY the decision of handling/raising/disciplining kids are up to the bio parent. I have respected that (it hasn't been easy) because DH is SO passive!
I honestly believe he is over compensating for BM abandoning them over 7 years ago not to mention the fact that DH has unresolved issues that he refuses to address w/ his own parents divorce, his mom strung out on drugs while he was a teen and having to raise himself.
Honestly though, if after you went to your SD, tried clearing the air, was being totally neutral and accepting your responsibilities that contributed to the dysfunctional relationship in the first place, and then your SD tells you "our relationship has been bad for years, you can't expect it to change now". You wouldn't have hurt feelings too? I'm not an in your face, fly off the handle, confrontational person to begin with. If I responded that way, she would relish the fact that I let her get to me and any reprimand I had to offer would fall upon deaf ears because anything I say to SD means absolutely nothing / she only values her Father's opinions & judgements anyway.
Cool and calm, You know the
Cool and calm,
You know the saying "If you don't have something nice to say - don't say anything at all"?
That's how I handle my SD and it can get very quiet when she is around. I became fed up with the drama, the eye rolling, the running to Daddy because Glynne said this or did that.
If that's the silent treatment and immature. I'm okay with it. As long as DH permits SD to act out (and he still does) I will not engage. I am courteous to SD and say hello and goodbye but we do not have conversations and she is only welcome in our home when DH is there.
It's not a perfect solution - but it is one that works for me.
Thanks Glynne! It's true /
Thanks Glynne!
It's true / not perfect but it works (for some of us anyway)! DH tells me SD if offended when I don't speak to her, maybe she should think back to why that is and remember that she was rude and disrespectful! It's all cause & effect!
Heil Hitler, DH does the same
Heil Hitler,
DH does the same to me. I get the "SD just wants to be part of the family", "Family is so important to SD". "Can't you forgive and forget?"
DH forgets that I had forgiven time after time after time. Only to have SD use my innocent words against me or flat out lie about my words or actions.
I think it was on Oprah that I heard this comment and I sure that I'm butchering it: When someone shows you who they are - pay attention the FIRST time. I am all about change, 2nd chances, the ability to grow but I simply do not trust my SD anymore - thus my decision to disengage and I do not regret my decision and I do not feel guilty about it either.
SO THERE!
U r funny with the Heil
U r funny with the Heil Hitler!
Yeah, DH is just that, darling, I love him very much and know deep down he will never understand. As much as I agonize over that, he is still worth keeping so I too do not feel the least bit guilty about how I am acting with the SD. I took the long difficult road for 10 years with the hope that it would pay off. Well it hasn't. I've paid my dues with SD and she can reap what she has sown. She is an adult now and she has to learn from her mistakes! (see?! even still I am teaching her about life but this lesson is so much sweeter than all the others). Excuse me while I gloat on cloud 9 for just a bit, I think I deserve it!
Besides, I'm not writing her off completely, I'm just not going to allow her to continue hurting me!
Yes, agree about our DH's. I
Yes, agree about our DH's.
I wouldn't trade mine in for a moment and I've given up trying to change him. He has this one big blindspot and that is his daughter. I'm am so lucky with his other traits: humor, intelligent, fun loving, honest, loving. It's a trade off and God knows I'm far from perfect!
AMEN! "I think we should all
AMEN!
"I think we should all buy vicious pit bulls, bring them home and raise absolute hell if it bites our husbands and they scream. "UGH!! I know it bit you, but you scared it when you screamed!! You two are going to have to figure this out!"
Gosh that is the funniest thing because it is sooooo true!
Thanks for making me smile ~
Thanks for making me smile ~ I needed that!!!!!
Stepaside, Your words made me
Stepaside,
Your words made me defensive and angry initially. But there is truth in them. I know that my DH loves his SD but he has NEVER really NEVER followed through on making her accountable.
And this is neglect. It is easier for him to ignore and enable the behavior than to confront it and try to change it. When he attempted to in the past - TEARS and TANTRUMS.
You know I never thought about it this way but my DH is a chicks**t! Thanks Stepaside for the epiphany (I think)
Off to the pet store! }:)
You are so insightful! How
You are so insightful!
How long have you been doing this dance? I've got 10 years on and I'm faaaar from retirement! LOL! You say all the things I want to be able to say with such strength and conviction! It sounds like you've been there done that about a million times, I thought I was there but I can see I'm still a long way off. What has helped you most? Give me some good advice on how to save my feelings and keep my sanity!
We reach out in love and get
We reach out in love and get attitude.
How true. I was the same way. I wanted to make a home for SD, help her with her school work, help her grow into a strong indepedent woman. Boy - was I dreaming!
Hindsight is 20/20 - and I agree - I woud've picked my battles and won.
Which is what I'm doing now. And from another blog...if SD disrespects me during a holiday/family dinner - I will call her out.
Good advice, again, StepAside. Thanks.