Question regarding Odd in-laws
I remember seeing a similar post but unable to find it. So here goes
My husband's parents divorced when he was a teen. His father moved to Maine and he stayed with his mom in Florida. His father remarried a few years later and his mom passed away when my husband was in his 20s. Fast forward 20 years and my husband and I decided to move the Maine to be close to his Aging father and step mom.
Here is the odd part. Even though we live 30 minutes from my in-laws it's like we need to schedule a 2 hr "visit" with them weeks in advance. They both are retired. It's not uncommon for me to just call my mom when she was alive up last minute to invite her to go shopping and if I'm in the area I'm free to just stop over. My husband would NEVER just show up unannounced.
Do to the difficulty in just scheduling a normal visit, my husband decided now to invite them to Thanksgiving and Christmas now. Well guess they spend both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my husband's step mom's sister so that was the end of that. There was no invite to tag along or agreement to maybe split Thanksgiving and Christmas. Yes we can celebrate Christmas and thanksgiving a week before or after but it's just not the same.
I feel bad for my husband as he moved here just to be closer to his dad. Even on Father's Day we wanted to get together but they had plans to go on a bus trip that weekend.
I get they have their own lives but I always spent the holidays with my parents when they we're alive. Is this the new normal?
Aren’t all ILs odd.
Most seem to be anyway.
My IL clan is odd in many ways. The most durable is this penchant to surprise the family. It started when my BIL1 was in the Army. He would set up Therese elaborate surprise visits home. Invariably the one doing the surprising gets all butt hurt when the show up and the rest of the family does the kiss and cry regarding the surprise then gets back to their lives. The surpriser expects everyone to take time off of work, etc,etc....
30 years of me being an outlaw and my ILs still play this same game. Surprise.... pout...... call my DW to vent about how butt hurt they are by the rest of the family not kowtowing to the surprise.
That, and they all, except my wife, ran home to their di it little town terrified by the big bad world.
Meanwhile somewhere else and 30 years later my bride is living an incredible life. She calls, makes plans for a visit, shows up, does her thing with her family, they sometimes make an effort , sometimes they don't, she does her thing inviting them. At some point during a visit to IL land someone invariably tells my bride that her sibs are intimidated by her.
This cycle runs repeatedly.
My family is very different. Little drama, engaging relationships with my DW and skids. Weird as hell, caring, and understanding that everyone has their own lives.
Which my IL clan finds odd.
As for my XILs, that was a masterfully fabricated and maintained facade of quality that covered a core of shit beyond immagination.
Their home was in the hottest zipcode in the city, they had a ranch an hour north of the city. XFIL was on the city counsel of the premier suburb they lived in.
They did all of this on a book keepers income and a low level state inspector's salary. My mom and dad were flumoxed by that situation. Something was way off.
The wedding was the social event of the season. My XILs tried to get my parents to split the cost of the wedding with them. My parents agreed on the condition that each set of parents cut a check jointly to my XW and I and we could use that money as we chose. A nice down payment on a home, etc... Nope. My XMIL was all butt offended by that since her eldest daugther would have the wedding of the year. So, nope. My parents did not engage in any wedding costs beyond hte traditional parents of the groom hosting the rehearsal dinner, paying for the groom's party's tuxedos, and the flowers for the wedding.
The marriage lasted 2.5 years wedding to final divorce hearing. She moved out of our recently purchased home 3mos after we bought it, pregnant by her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. I escaped without sullying my gene pool with that cesspool of genetic nastiness.
22yrs after the divorce I uncovered the rancid core of that shit puddle family. While I was researching a slide show loop for my parents 50th a link to my XW popped up in the search. I clicked it and it all started seeing the light of day. A newspaper headline highlighted my XMIL's conviction as a federal felon for embezzlment. Over decades she had embezzled $Millions from her employer. She had started as the bookkeeper and eventually became the office manager/bookkeeper. Yep, no separation of duties in that combination.
After the business owner had sued the family and had been awarded $Millions, XMIL was met at the door of the courtroom and arrested. Buh-bye XMIL. She took up residence in federal prison when she was 70. My XW's payback responsibility in the civil suit award to the business owner was about $1Mil.
So yes, ILs can definately be a notable source of baffling head scratching situations.
I'm not sure how old his dad
I'm not sure how old his dad is.. but it sounds like they maybe didn't have the overly closest family relationship.. perhaps just the way his family is.
Did his dad ask for him to move closer? or was this some idea you two thought would be good? It sounds like they are still fairly active and independent.. and already had their social structure pretty set up. The fact that he already had standing plans for those holidays sounds like this is a recent idea for your husband to want to see his dad on the holidays.
It may be that they just prefer space? and if you don't care for the area.. maybe don't worry about being up there?
I think it would be odd to ask him to move.. then not see him. I would not think it odd if you presumed they wanted you there.. and then resisted what they may see as intrusion.
It’s quite sad for your husband.
If, on reflection, it was primarily his and not the father's idea to move closer, it may be that he's still a little boy seeking the love of abandoning father... And the abandoning father isn't particularly interested in his son, since he might have seen him as part of the package with the woman he was once interested in, but not more than that.
It doesn't sound like the
It doesn't sound like the father and son have a solid foundation on which to base the kind of relationship your DH wants. For those 20 years, your FIL was cementing his own life without kids nearby. Did your DH and FIL talk regularly? How often did they visit one another? Were there any visits or interactions that went awry? I wonder if there is something FIL isn't telling you all.
I wonder if inviting FIL and MIL over now and then can help in "getting to know them" again?
The divorce may have had long
The divorce may have had long ripples in their relationship. His dad may have been hurt if he percieved his son picked his mom over him. His mom could have PAS'ed him a bit against the dad.. selling him the story that dad abandoned him.. He may/may not have understood the reason for the divorce.
I mean.. his dad could just be a grade A Ahole.. but it sounds like they must not have had an overly close relationship.
Given the timing of the split.. it was a time when kids kind of pull away from family to do their own thing more anyway.. with the divorce and custody.. it may have just made his relationship less solid with dad.
Now, he is trying to be there for his dad.. but it's not clear if this is something his dad actually needs.. and even if he needed some hellp.. may not have been something he wanted to accept from his son.
I think they do need to be careful to respect his dad and SM's boundaries.. if he wants to have a discussion about this with his dad.. he can.. but he has to accept that he may hear that his moving is resented.
but he has to accept that he
Good points. There could be suspicions around the son's motivations for moving near them. You know how that goes. $$$.
Did your father in law ask
Did your father in law ask his adult son to move to Maine?
As much as I understand you had a different dynamic between you and your Mother, it is unfair to expect your FIL (and his wife) and your husband to be the same.
Just showing up to someones home is rude no matter who is it or how they may be related.
Respect your FIL wishes.
How about asking them to join you both for lunch and you will treat?
Are you concerned their home is unsafe? You didnt say how old they are. Adult kids seem to forget that parents do not need them to swoop in. Let them fully enjoy their lives, on their terms, until they no longer can.
they spend both Thanksgiving
You lived far away for many years. Dad and SM did not sit home on holidays pining for his son. They did what most people do, established a holiday tradition based on the circumstances. They spent their holiday with SM's family. Her family is important to her (and most likely to his dad now).
Try to find the positive in this. You have young children. No one is expecting you to pack them into the car to go somewhere in Maine winter. You can enjoy your small family celebration without the stress of added company.
Family get togethers don't have to happen only on set holidays. DH can talk to his dad and SM and pick a date (first Sun in Jan or last Sat in Dec or whatever you pick...) for an annual holiday gettogether.