New Boundaries?
My SO and I bought a house together a year ago, been together for 13 years. This has been the first year getting his kids regularly. Prior to this we had them every school break bc of the long distance.
The term together is used very loosely. The entire process we did together. I was even the main one that worked with our mortgage officer. We toured houses and ultimately we decided on our house together. But we decided to leave my name off the loan paperwork bc my SO had much better credit than I did. At the time I didn't realize that I still could have been placed on the deed of the home.
Now that a year has passed its made me angry. Especially bc I'm paying for things in the house. Projects, half of utilities all while I have no skin in the game. On top of it all its made clear to me that I have no "parenting" control in the house. I posted previously about asking his kids to turn off lights in the house when not being used. He didn't like that. So instead of paying all of the electric bill myself I said I would pay half of a normal bill and any overage he would be responsible for.
I'm now asking him to have his kids start doing chores around the house since I'm starting to feel like Cinderella. My SO has helped more around the house but I still feel like I'm doing the majority of the load majority of the time. All while still paying for almost all of the day to day expenses. My SO has not asked his kids to help out and I'm fed up. Yes I know I should leave but am not there yet mentally. So I'm thinking of paying a monthly "fee" to my SO. I'd pay the going rate of a one bedroom in a shared home which is 700 in my area. I guess I'm just venting more than looking for answers. We started couples therapy about 3 months ago. He agrees to all my demands during the session but never follows through afterwards. He said he agreed his kids should help but they still do nothing.
xoxo Cinderella
If you stay, i'm pretty sure
If you stay, i'm pretty sure you can have your name added to the deed. I'm not sure of the exact process but no way should you have no ownership if you pay what you do. You aren't married, either, right? You have no legal rights. Get on that deed!
I've spoken with attorneys
I've spoken with attorneys and they have said it is possible to have me added on the deed. But my SO is not willing. When I ask him to add me he starts this conversation of "why are you suddenly so motivated to get your name on the deed". And that's where my anger starts. He isn't outright saying no, but isn't adding me on either. And no we aren't married. After 13 years of investing myself it's finally hit me that I literally have nothing.
Stop paying for anything.
Stop paying for anything. Right now you are not on anything which makes leaving easy. Right now he has it maid with you. (Not a typo) Make any future contributions connected to following thru with parenting. Give it at the end of the month , he gets paid AFTER you work, not before . Men usually react to money moves. Give yourself a deadline on how much more toxicity you will live in. This can't go on endlessly, your soul will wither.
You could divide the bills with percentages, He gets a point for him and each skid. You get one for you. He pays more. Common way around here to do it that way.
What does that mean? Paying
What does that mean? Paying at the end of the month? And percentage points? Thank you for your advice.
You divide bills by
You divide bills by percentage, meaning (for instance) the electricity bill splits by 4. You pay 1/4, your husband and his adult children pay 3/4. Or should I say he pays 3/4 for them all. I'd get a maid and make my husband pay for the help. Keep it this way until the adult babies move out.
Don't ever invest any money in a house that is not yours. Ever! I wouldn't offer to chip in for the mortgage, since the other residents in the house don't pay anything. Let him cover the mortgage for HIS house. Worst case again - pay 1/4.
And I liked the advice of having a deadline - they find jobs (real, not the ones for high schoolers) and move out by the end of the year or you move out. In all honesty in your situation not being on the deed and the loan might actually be a blessing - easier to exit, easier to move on. Your husband seems to be the problem.
So here is my problem, and I
So here is my problem, and I'm fully aware of it and working on it in therapy. We agreed on the finances together before we bought the house. We agreed he would pay for the mortgage and I would pay for pretty much everything else. After his mortgage payment he is essentially broke. With only a couple hundred left to his name. So I feel "bad" just outright not paying for anything bc it was somethingwe agreed to before buying. I'm screwed in the head, I'm aware. How do I detach enough to truly see the situation for what it is?
He doesn't deserve your pity so
Stop it! He is choosing to deprive you of an investment that he could not afford without you. Either he puts your name on the deed as any decent, honest person would have done in the first place OR he sells it because you will be out of there.
Stop feeling sorry for this ARSE. He didn't hesitate to cheat you out of what you are due. Give him one last chance to prove that he actually can be honest and if he can't then too bad,so sad.
I read your previous blog and
I read your previous blog and it seems that I confused you for another blogger and I thought that he had two adult children living with you.
Either way, the reality is that if he were to pass you'd end up on the street. Don't ever offer to pay him rent, you already pay for everything else. Save your money and take care of yourself! After reading how he told you about how his kids are good people and won't ever kick you out of the house, I'm more than convinced that now is the time for you to walk out. He doesn't care about you.
He treats you like a maid, someone lower who should serve the master and he wants you to cover financially for everything.
Time to care of yourself. The longer you wait, the harder it will get. You don't have children with this degenerate, you are not on the deed and the loan - just run!
No marriage, not on the deed. It might be difficult
to get a buy out or anything upon sale.
Regardless, do not stay. Get on with your life.
Please.
You're right. I've spoken to
You're right. I've spoken to attorneys and they said legally I'm at a loss for everything I've provided financially. He can claim they monies was a gift if it ever got down to it.
And what does making this go longer do
What does more years you paying with no rights do ? No common law marriage in Hawaii? Unfortunately you are in a tough spot. You can sue. Claiming common living, common used of joint money.
But just staying as is isn't not doing anything good
Petty Advice
Maybe you should start thinking like a renter because technically you are--and stop contributing towards the mortgage, maintenance and anything you don't use. If he can't afford to pay the mortgage and other bills without your contribution then you should be put on the deed. Say the magic word ---FORECLOSURE. If he can't make the monthly mortgage payments then it effects his credit, not yours.
You should find out the landlord/tenant laws for your state. Tell him if you aren't on the deed you have the same obligations as his children and can contribute the same amount they do (nothing!) and he would have to evict you. Maybe slapping him with some knowledge will wake him up.
However, I think you should consider saving up to leave him because he had to know you could have been and should have been on the deed, but he wanted the control and financial benefit of owning the house solely. He clearly doesn't care about your wellbeing and you shouldn't care about his.
The power imbalance he created is terrible. I'm so mad for you!
Edit: Please also think about what would happen to your rights if he were to drop dead tomorrow. I'm sure his mouching children would inherit the home and they would try to kick you out.
Correction: his children aren't renters they are squatters and you should do the same.
That's the way I'm trying to
That's the way I'm trying to see it now, if I'm not on the deed I'm technically a renter. And should only give what I'd give a landlord. Which is just a monthly fee. I will definitely look into renter/tenant laws and see what my rights are. My therapist said the same, he would have to evict me.
We talked about the legality of it in therapy, if he were to pass unexpectedly with me not on the deed. His answer blew my mind. He said his kids are good kids and wouldn't kick me out. Idk how I didn't see the red flags for this long. Can you believe that?! That he thinks that scenario would be ok in any way shape or form.
I know I have to leave but my trauma bond and fear of abandonment makes it so hard.
At the very least, he should
At the very least, he should file a TOD (transfer on death) so the house will go to you if he were to pass. But, if he refuses to put you on the deed, he may refuse to do a TOD, also.
Really, when it gets to the point of you feeling and acting like you are just a renter, what is the point?
I'd have the paperwork drawn
I'd have the paperwork drawn up, a quick claim deed is not difficult & point black ask him to sign it & I wouldn't do a thing until he signed.
A home is your security. I'd stop putting a dime towards bills, stop doing any chores - his home after all. This would be a deal breaker for me.
This.
Either he wants to share the deed, as it should be or he can have NO DEED. He can't afford the house on his own, yet wants to own all of the house. Seriously eff this dude.
You aren't married.. and he
You aren't married.. and he clearly is interested in keeping the home in his name.. I'm not sure if I would consider that a good sign for a lifetime equity partner. BUT..
RE the house purchase.. did he put the downpayment down from his funds.. or joint funds? He is making the full mortgage payment..but he isn't paying the other living expenses.
It would seem fair for you to be paying a reasonable "rent" to live in the home.. and a proportional share of the costs of the household.. (groceries.. utilities... groundskeeping etc..) AS the homeowner.. HE should be covering any major repairs or major renovations to the home.. you can help furnish the home.. but those furnishings you buy? you could take with you.
So.. if he has 2 kids full time in the home.. you might divide the household costs by 4 and you pay 1/4.(if his kids are just there part time.. you might divide things by 3.. since they arent' eating and using water/elec when they are gone). You would also pay a fair rent.. maybe the equitable cost of a one bedroom apartment.. in your area?
I am not saying you need to pay his mortgage.. but we all pay to live somewhere.. whether renting or owning.. and he has decided to not share the ownership with you.. so that just means when the HVAC or roof is shot? you don't have to pay to replace any of it. If you DID cover any of the downpmt.. he should return those funds to you.. since he refuses to add you.
After 13 years.. do you think marriage is off the table? maybe that is when he might be more inclined to add you?
My DH and I live in the house
My DH and I live in the house I shared with my exH. I bought my ex out with assistance from my parents. The deed and mortgage are in my name, and I pay all of the utilities and repairs. DH pays me a monthly amount and contributes to groceries and daily maintenance (like lawn care, pool chemicals, etc). DH is fine with this arrangement since he was able to invest the proceeds from his original marital home and a severance package. But he did feel vulnerable about what would happen to him if I passed away. My kids truly love DH, but grief changes people. And, as my estate lawyer pointed out, so do children's own future SOs who may influence/pressure them in another direction. So, when I die, the house passes into a Trust. The trust stipulates that any of the 3 of them that live in the house will split the costs of maintaining the house (other than major repairs which would come out of the trust). If DH decides to sell the house and move elsewhere, the equity in the house is split three ways between them. If DH is still living in the house when he passes away, the equity is split two ways between my kids. It's not a perfect solution, but it gives us both peace of mind, while protecting myself and my assets should we break up. I should also note that DH and I sogned a cohabitation agreement before he moved in. If we hadn't done that, I couldn't have set my will up that way because, at least here, the marital home is 50/50 no matter who pays for what.
That sounds like a decent
That sounds like a decent plan... my dad's caregiver has 1 year (3 months gone now).. and she has to be out of the home.. her dh made no real long term plans for her.
If you think about it.. he is investing his money.. he could alternately have invested in a rental property per se.. that could have been an investment.. OP could be as well..
paying a somewhat reasonable rent and living expenses is fine.. but all major costs of the asset belong 100% to the homeowner. It would be good to have some way of her at least being able to live there for a time if he passes.. vs losing her home suddenly.
Agreed. OP needs some kind of
Agreed. OP needs some kind of safety net. I've been in my home for over 20 years, so my mortgage is almost paid off and the payments are relatively low. Housing prices in my neck of the woods are sky high so if DH was left homeless by my passing, or even if my kids couldnforce the sale and leave DH with his 1/3 of the equity, it wouldn't be enough to buy a new home and he would have a very uncomfortable retirement if he had to use his savings to pay rent. The way it's set up now, no one can sell the house except DH. I explained to my kids that, if DH was their bio dad, they wouldn't receive an inheritance until we both passed, and they agreed with that.
I am fine thinking safety net
I am fine thinking safety net.. but tbh.. the fact is that HE could have invested money through the years.. and have money in alternate form.. stocks.. other real estate.. if you have been paying the mortgage these 20 years.. he benefits from all that.. and you may be fine with that.. I would be fine with my DH benefitting.. but the reality is.. if someone moves into a home that is well along the purchase path.. and unless they really became equity partners in finances.. they didn't invest the same way.. maybe it was because he was paying CS? but that means that we would be subsidizing the kids.
Not on the Deed
So, there are lots of really great suggestions.
Sorry you are going through this, but glad you are here, and in therapy to strengthen yourself on the inside.
Please keep us updated (if appropriate) and let us know how it goes for you. Your partner is showing you who he is and you can see the writing on the wall very clearly. He doesnt care what happens to you if he were to pass. He only cares about the here and now and that you enable him to afford his mortgage.
Husband and I bought our home during a time when prices in our area were starting to climb but were still pretty affordable with ok rates. We couldnt buy it right away, my parents had sold some property and bought it for cash. This was the home rented when husband was with toxic troll bm and his two daughters. One has since aged out of visitation and still asks to live with us when she cannot make it work somewhere else.
Husband and I bought from my parents, then refinanced. The rates have since skyrocketed, and will never (probably) be at the rate that we got. The houseing prices have skyrocketed to the point homes in our area are selling for over double our current mortgage. We have joint tenancy with right of survivorship.
Im thinking that you can approach things as outlined in other comments - either hardline or softline, but things need to change, quickly. If he cannot afford the mortgage without someone paying the other things, then you can slowly stop paying for repairs and improvements and readjust what you do pay for. Being fair. Or hardlining by discontinuing any payments at all.
Good luck!
I only paid a small
I only paid a small percentage towards the purchase of our home. I'm on the deed but will only receive the percentage I contributed when we sell/if my boyfriend were to pass away. Any maintenance/upkeep issues and property tax, I pay a percentage of (the percentage that I own of the house). We split the electricity, cable, heating bills, etc 50%. You should be paying less than half since his kids are there.
If I was not on the deed (and trust me, if I did not contribute a dime towards the purchase of the house my boyfriend would not have my name on the deed) I would not be contributing to the maintenance and upkeep of the home at all. I'd be saving that $$ towards a house of my own in the future if something were to happen. I would still pay half of the electricity, heating, cable, etc.
I'm also named in my boyfriend's will to receive enough $$ to purchase a modest house outright.
Your significant other can do paperwork so you won't be out in the street with no home if he passes away. Is he willing to do that?