New to stepmom thing... need help
My hubby and I were married just recently so we are still very much newlyweds. He travels a lot sometimes with his job so when I haven't seen him for a few days and he comes home, I want to be near him. Problem... 5-yr-old stepdaughter wants to be near him too. He sits down on the couch and she promptly sits next to him before I get a chance... then I end up sitting alone and he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm in the room. When we first started dating, he was quick to sit between us or would even tell her to go play so we could sit together. And I don't know if it's the "now that we're married, I don't have to try so hard to keep you happy" attitude on his part or if his fire has already burned out for me... I don't know. But yes, I get irritated when she gets all of him and I get nothing. I realize that she hasn't seen him in a few days when he travels, but I haven't seen him either. I can't say anything to him because he just says that I have no right to feel that way or be jealous and that she has every right to be jealous of me. I understand that jealousy is not a good emotion, but all I'm asking for is a little acknowledgement. If he's going to just sit with her then at least he could look over once in a while and wink or smile at me. Or better yet... sit in between us like he used to. Am I asking entirely too much??? How do I handle this? If I wanted to sit and watch tv by myself then I would have stayed single!
Does the SD live with you
Does the SD live with you full time?
No... but she is here quite a
No... but she is here quite a bit. For example, we will have her from Friday through Monday. She goes back to her mom's Monday night but then we get her Tuesday afternoon again. Her mom has primary custody but SD is basically here to what averages out to every other night.
First thing to remember: He's
First thing to remember: He's under a tremendous amount of stress. If he didn't love you he wouldn't have (1) married you, or (2) trusted the raising of his child to you.
He's going to make bad decisions and screw up. Everybody does. Mention it to him, nicely, and then let it go. He'll do the right thing sooner or later. Right now he's going overboard to make her feel good and he's assuming that you're an adult who can figure it out, and she's a kid who probably can't.
I went through the same
I went through the same thing. . .but the difference is that SD (26) lives with us and DH prefered to sit on the couch everynight so she'd have access to him if she needed him, and would only come our bedroom to go to sleep.
When I did convince him to come in the bedroom, he'd leave the door open which killed the mood because SDs room is directly across from ours.
I had a long talk with DH and reminded him that we were newlyweds (2 years now). . not an old married couple, and that the lack of privacy was destroying our intimacy and once that goes . .the marriage is over. I didn't get married to stop having sex. We had more fun before we got married which is ridiculous! He got the point and got with the program.
Babygirl30... I actually do
Babygirl30...
I actually do exactly what you say... It irritates me so much that I can't get anywhere near him that I just find it more productive to go elsewhere and find something else to do. Tonight, it was painting kitchen cabinets. Painting is a de-stressor for me, I guess... Hopefully, he'll catch on, like you guys say...
Wish I could talk to him about it... But I can't. You can't talk to this guy about anything that has to do with his little girl. You will always come out on the other end as the bad guy no matter what. I haven't figured it out yet, but he either can't put himself in my shoes or simply won't.
And Shannon61... yeah, he leaves our bedroom door open to her every night just in case she needs him... blah, blah, blah...
Well this is very interesting
Well this is very interesting indeed.Would love to read a little more of this. Great post. Thanks for the heads-up…This blog was very informative and knowledgeable
The fact that things changed
The fact that things changed immediately after marriage is a bit disturbing, but rather than getting out your fancy decoder ring and trying to figure it out...I think it would be best to just get it out in the open and have a real adult conversation about it. Let me clarify for you, the issue is NOT you being jealous of SD, nor her being jealous of you. The issue IS the fact that your DH is doing a bad job of BALANCING his roles as father and husband. It is extremely common for guys in his position, but the sooner he gets a grip on this (and first acknowledges it...this is the toughest part) the better things will be long term. If you WANT this to be long term, you seriously have to get him to balance his roles.
There is no overlap between his adult relationship with you, and his relationship as a father to his daughter. They are separate. The attention he gives to both of you should be different, so comparing them is apples/oranges. This transition is difficult even for married couples with their own child. You have to learn how to "be" with an extra person around. It's especially difficult when you arent invested in the extra person but he is.
Good luck on this. The sooner you get this under control, the less resentment that will grow and the better off you will be.
Agreed with everyone who said
Agreed with everyone who said "communicate". It's become such a cliche to say "communicate better" but so many people don't know what that means.
At the end of the day, you do need to calmly sit down with him, say you know he loves both of you and needs to divide attention between both of you, but you've been feeling a little forgotten about, explain your feelings, let him know what would help you feel better. It probably isn't something he's consciously doing, so if he's the type to get defensive, make sure you let him know that you know it isn't being done maliciously. In turn, he needs to listen, acknowledge that your feelings are hurt, even if why doesn't make sense to him. Whether or not he gets it, your feelings are real and therefore should be a priority to him.
Good luck, darlin'!
I agree that this must be
I agree that this must be dealt with quickly and not just for the sake of your marriage but your new SD as well. This will (trust me) wreak havoc on your marriage and home, and if your hubby has a vindictive ex, just wait till she figures out it's something she can use. All that aside, hubby must understand for the sake of his daughter that every minute he spends with the two of you he is teaching her what a woman is and how they are to be treated - not by how he is with her but with you. If the image of his daughter madly in love with a man in the future who says they love her too and then drop her at any sign of pressure from someone else in their life is really ok with him then he's on the right track. I agree with what the others have said that a man's relationship with his daughter is vastly different than with his wife, but they are not separate. If SD is put in position of competing with new wife, that really confuses adult child roles and puts her as a peer to you which makes no sense and I believe isn't good for children. Also, there is no more frightening thing for a child than to find out they can manipulate their parents. Do talk to him about it, but try (I know it's hard) not to let your distress show around her.