Wealthy mother spoilt entitled children
Hello my partner has 2 children, a boy 18 and daughter 16. Their mother took over the family business and they are wealthy.
Their mother spoils them so they are snobby, entitled, arrogant and pretentious and want you to be impressed with everything they do and have. They are trust fund kids.
My partner and I have 9-5 jobs and normal average salaries. How do other people deal with kids like this? I have got to the point where I don't want to talk to them for more than 5 minutes and I don't see how my partner and I can work around this. We have a good relationship otherwise. He thinks they're wonderful although he does recognise they are spoilt but hopes as they grow up they'll realise that there are other people and situations. We don't talk about them and I don't ask questions. He doesn't challenge them because he thinks they won't want to see him and the arrogant ex wife will just undo that with her attitudes.
We don't see them that much (thank goodness) as they have their own schedules but going forward I think oh blimey I have a lifetime of contact with these people and that grinds me down and wonder if I should cut my losses.
I realise that a lot of kids are very spoilt and indulged these days and I don't have a lot of time for that either. I'm 52 and had to earn my own pocket money from being about 7 or so & bought Christmas presents for family and grand parents from about that age. I can't be doing with'everybody at school knows that we're rich' said in an arrogant surly voice attitude. Other examples are mum wears Gucci, she's skiing in Switzerland, we've got an orangery' and the boy piped up recently that he's got his Trust fund. This is the same child that drives around in his car honking at homeless people walking on the streets because he thinks that's funny. I think that makes him a jerk.
any advice most welcome on staying sane and that my happiness matters too most welcome. Thank you.
It's unfortunate your Partner
It's unfortunate your Partner did not do more to instill better values in his children. That being said.. I understand that they are his kids.. and he will want to be in their life.. but how much/often does he see them? Going forward.. as they age out and go off to their own lives.. does he really expect to have a lot of regular contact?
Because mummy has the money.. they will likely be more stuck up her behind than his.. his standing likely is somewhat embarassing to them.
So, I would disengage.. be less around when he plans on seeing them.. treat them like the coworker you would not associate with if it were not for your job. you are not obligated to raise them.. to teach them moral values.. you can say something if their action or words in your presence are absolutely unaceptable (like being racist or something).. but otherwise.. you just be "pleasant and civil".. just like you would to that coworker.. excusing yourself when you have had enough if they are at the house etc..
Your partner's ability to support you and your boundaries are key.. how often/long.. he expects you to be around them etc..
It's unlikely they are coming to him for money given the circumstances.. this is a silver lining.. but only you can decide if the occasional visit is going to be a deal breaker.
What you cannot do is "show him.. open his eyes.. to their poor moral compass" he either knows.. or is blind and doesn't want to see it.. and he will only get defensive if you try to show him how horrid his kids are.. so that is one thing off the table really.
Thank you
Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated. Yeah my partner is too soft with them and doesn't challenge their obnoxious nonsense as he still feels guilty about that fact that they are divorced. The kids don't care of course as they only care about money and what they consider to be their superior status.
You are right - disengaging is the answer and I am doing that. It's so much better as we don't bicker/argue about his kids. They are confused I think as I used to chat more & they expect everyone to stand to attention when they are around. They were here last night for tea (pizza and catch up with dad) so I did my handwashing. I don't think my partner likes it but that's just tough. We'll have to see how it goes. I am guilty of pointing out what I think of as their lack or morals and snotty behaviour - which only causes arguments- so by disengaging this will hopefully make things better. When we have argued in the past he accused me of 'not wanting to mother them' but why should I? They have a mother & I'm not obliged to parent. I have tried but it gets old as my partner treats them like royalty. I recognise it's not that often so need to count my blessings. Thank you.
Good job. I do this too when
Good job. I do this too when YSD is over. She's not horrible but I'm not "part of the family" so my input doesn't count for much most of the time. I count that her time here is for her and DH to connect and do my own thing, even during meals often enough. I know DH doesn't like it but the situation is mostly on him. And it works very well to remove me from the situation.
Thank you for sharing
Hello - that's a good way to look at it - it's their time together so you don't have to be involved. As long as you don't feel hurt by it if it's been imposed on you. I used to engage but the older they get the more pretentious, snobby and entitled they get so I have had enough. They only want an audience and for that audience to tell them how wonderful they are and how impressed we are with whatever it is that week. They know some people who are really wealthy and went skiing to a resort and flew in a private jet. They complained about the girls and said that they were snobby. I asked them (as a trick) if they were cool with the wealth and they said not. Ha they really don't get it. They'll be jealous because the other people are immeasurably wealthier than them. Not top dog anymore.
BMs parents are quite wealthy
BMs parents are quite wealthy and both BM and SD reap the benefits of this. It's pretty clear that SD15 think we're poor and is slumming it by spending any time with us. She alternates between asking for very expensive things and shaming DH by making a big deal of not asking for expensive things like she is going him a favor by not asking because we're poor.
We are not poor by any means but SD15 and BM are spoiled racist entitled snots! My DH hates that they look down on us but also realizes it's a blessing in disguise. He loves SD but knows she is a spoiled brat.
Thank you for your message.
Hello, ah yes the expensive gifts. My partner doesn't spend hundreds and hundreds on them, athough the mother spends thousands. SD loses things but it's no loss to her as these things are replaced. She lost a top of the range iphone but it was replaced probably as a business expense fiddle. She's lost jewellery (not really expensive) and iphone earbuds. The second pair of earbuds she had to pay for herself out of her birthday money.
SS got a car given to him for his 17 birthday. All the grandchildren get one from the grandparents and they normally got a cheaper car but this wasnt good enough for him so mummy got him a more expensive one. Grandma will pay for accommodation when they go to university. SS isn't focussed on working hard and getting a good degree (he goes this October) but on having a good time partying. I said that if he ends up with a duff 3rd he will have wasted grandma's money and that hadn't even crossed his mind.
Their arrogant grandfather jokes about OPM - Other people's money and the benefit in spending theirs instead of your own. Their cousin (not just my SS & SD that are jerks) didn't even finish and lied about wanting to go on a skiing trip and grandma paid for it and he didn't go - he lied and spent the money but hey where's the impetus to do anything when everything lands in your lap and is paid for?
SS is always wittering on about my partner getting a BMW because that is what their mother has. And mum's partner has a racing Porsche and his dad has a Tesla don't you know. Be impressed now as that makes them so superior. Grrrr! Rant over! Thank you again for posting your experiences.
SD16almost17
During a 2 hour sour grapes cryfest mentioned to me that "fast food work is considered shameful" and I seriously do not know how my head did not explode.
Shes always been given everything, catered to, coddled, is lazy, no chores, and no expectations. If something is too much "work" she wont do it. And will work overhard to come up with excuses she considers valid "reasons".
Disengagement is your friend. Just make other plans. If your SO talks about his spoiled bratolas, "hmmmm,oh, ok, whats for dinner..."
..."will work overhard to come up with excuses."..
That epiphany ssmacked me in the face after my first sophomore yr of HS. I figured out that I worked far harder making straigh Fs than I ever did making straight As.
After my 6 of summers teaching and coaching competitive swimming making ridiculous money, and mounting tires during the school year, my first full time job was in the restaurant industry. I learned more about business in the restautant industry than I did in business school for my MBA. It was great experience, that said, I would not plan on going back into the restaurant industry unless it was the proverbial offer I could not refuse.
Many kids would benefit from working. The restaurant industry is always hiring, kids can work their way up fairly quickly to a shift lead, then asst mgr position. Some fast food companies even offer tuition benefits.
I think I would start leaving McD's, BK, Wendy's, Chic-Fil-a, KFC, TacoBell applications on PSSD's pillow.
Thank you for sharing
That sounds like SD! Her brother has got off his backside and got a job in a coffee shop so he can make some money - although he also gets pocket money so it's just more for him. Up to two Christmases ago I had to buy the present for their dad for them. The boy got pocket money but he certainly wasn't going to spend that on any one else but himself. SD just told mother what she wanted and it landed in her lap.
SD thinks that having a job is beneath her and looked disgusted at the idea of working in a fast food restaurant. She's very much a princess. Their cousin (another jerk) left uni and he lied and said he had a job in a supermarket and the family were saying that there was no shame in that although you could see that SD thought that was a scummy option and would be well beneath her. She looks at jobs in light of how much money she could be paid. Their mother expects them to get a good job although SS seems to think that he won't have to try too hard as he will have his Trust fund. It's all about status.
Disengagement is definitely my friend. SS was saying the other day about getting a cat. I said how can he get a cat when he's a uni and he said afterwards. Not that he will want to put its needs first and get home and look after it. He will want to go out and let it be hungry. My partner and I were in a cafe a few weeks ago and there was a woman with a cute dog - it was her son's but he wants to go out/go away for the weekend so it was 'Mum can you look after it'. Bloody irresponsible. It's all about me, me, me. I said this and was very much rolling my eyes.
Spoilt bratolas indeeed. Love that word. It's madam's 16th birthday this Saturday I said happy for you to just go but my partner wants me there so I have to stomach an evening out with them. Ugh. Wish me luck.
Disengagement is definitely
Disengagement is definitely your friend. Be busy when they are there or be somewhere else. I had to laugh at your partner saying that you needed to mother his kids more - what kind of mothering does he imagine an adult and a nearly adult actually need? You were right, of course in your response
My grandlother had a saying for people like your skids, she'd say that "they're more to be pitied than scolded" and generally accompanied those words with an internal eye roll (IMO). They are going to have very lonely lives unless, of course, they surround themselves with sycophants who are only interested in their money. Who wants "friendships" like that?
Thank you for your message
Thanks for that. SD said the other week that she thought that if people didn't like her it was because they were jealous and I said I didn't think that was true. She's very arrogant, just like her mother. I have tried to tell them lots of times about their attitudes but I am wasting my breath so I am not going to bother any more. They think it's alright to be completely selfish. They don't realise what they are like. We have another two years before madam princess SD goes to university. Blurghhhh. Madam will need a man who is very understanding of her princessy ways and he will need to be rich to meet her expectations.
Hahaha she sounds like my ex
Hahaha she sounds like my ex SD who is very entitled and arrogant, and whose aim in life is to marry a rich man so she doesn't have to work.
She trained as a nurse - I believe nursing is a vocation, not just a job - but she sees it as a "boring job" that she has to do till she lands this fantasy rich bloke.
She also looks down on people who she thinks are beneath her, like the health care assistants at her work, or people who work in hospitality, or supermarkets etc. And as for traffic management workers, in her eyes they're the lowest of the low.
Horrible, selfish, entitled little madam.
Thank you for your message and feedback
Yep that sounds about right. Glad I am not one of her patients if she's that awful. Nursing is a job where you give of yourself not sit around waiting for an audience to tell you have wonderful you are darling!
She was around the other day and had a picture of her technology project which was good. I asked her if she had used steam to bend the wood and she responded with some answer or other but it was the tone with which she responded - I'm so clever and superior. Ugh. Tedious little madam.
Thank you for responding.
People who lack social grace, manners and etiquette
Behave the way your skids do. There are many rich people, billionaires and even those like royalty with titles etc who are humble people and easygoing. Money doesn't teach you manners and those who behave like your skids i would say have self esteem issues.
my sd's biomum is from a poor uneducated family but they've learnt from their mum to embellish things, over exaggerate and be over the top to somewhat show us down as beneath them. We ignore and do not respond. We don't give the airtime it deserves.
humility is something which cannot be taught
Wise words, thank you
Wise words indeed, thank you. Your situation sounds difficult but it sounds like your partner is wise to her ways which is good. SD is a drama queen and she always wants attention and expects everyone to run around after her. I will stick to disengaging as that really helps me, what I don't hear and see I don't have to get irritated about. Thank you and good luck.