Change of heart?
After reading the letter that SD21 wrote to DH, I've been taking a close, hard look at our situation.
I asked DH to please, PLEASE tell me what I did to make SD21 so angry with me. He thought about it at work all day Monday and can't come up with anything. I've racked my brain to try to figure this out, too. Can't figure it out. The bitterness she expressed in her letter is very upsetting and very hurtful. So I'm trying to figure out a way to improve this situation.
I had 'banned' SD21 from coming to our home in September of last year because the negativity from SD21 toward me was flowing like a river. I was disgusted and at the end of my rope. I didn't know what else to do. It seemed that every single time she would come to visit, chaos would ensue shortly afterward. After thinking about the pattern of events that had been going on for a while, I came to the conclusion that SD must be jealous of our family life (which she admitted in the letter) and of our home. Now, we're not living like a king and queen, but we do have a nice home. So I asked DH what BM's home was like (SD still lives with BM). He verified my guess. BM's home is dark, dingy, and (according to DH) very VERY small. So, again, I'm guessing correctly that she is bitter because we are living better than her mom. This is why she chooses to start arguments between us when shortly after she leaves our home.
Fast-forward to today. I've been compiling a list of topics for our counseling session on Friday. I've been considering lifting the 'ban' on SD visiting our home. I KNOW that she is still bitter. I predict that she will resume her meddling in our marriage if she decides to visit her father here again. But I don't see any other way of settling this. Will SD remain bitter and jealous? Yes. But I need to show DH that I am making an effort in some way to bridge the gap between myself and SD.
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If she chooses to visit and
If she chooses to visit and we revert back to her bad behavior, we'll (DH and I) have to talk to SD and let her know WHY the ban is put back into effect. Either she controls her attitude while she's here, or she can stay away for good. Of course, like I've said before, DH will ALWAYS be her father and I would never want to put a wedge between them. But they will have to go back to visiting each other elsewhere, not here. Just trying to give her a 2nd chance.
Well, you have to realize
Well, you have to realize that it is NOT you or likely NOT anything you did. She's obviously still bitter over the divorce, and wants you out of the pic. I agree that she likely is jealous of the family unit you have with DH.
If I can throw in my two
If I can throw in my two cents, how much have you and your DH sat down and talked about what rules and expectations you have for your home? To take it a step further, what consequences are you both in agreement on for people that do not respect those rules?
From the sound of the letter, which was awful btw, I wonder how much your DH makes it clear to his daughter that his relationship with you is a private matter, one that she should not be privvy to. That the decisions you guys make, you make as a team and that's all she needs to know. This whole unified front concept is so crucial for so many of us here.
I think if it were me, I'd have a very real and probably difficult conversation with DH and really lay it all out about what each other's expectations are from children, from adult children and from ANYONE that comes into both of your home. Get into the details. By the end of the discussion, if you can both stay focused on the goal, you'll be able to come to conclusions and be on the same page as to your expecatations.
This will then allow you to both have a conversation with his daughter. DH should be the one directing the conversation and making sure that he's very clear with his daughter that while he loves and cares for her, he also loves and cares for you but in different ways. That his loving you does not take away from his love for her. But as he respects her, she is required to show respect to both of you as well as any other adult. If she cannot agree to act respectfully then it will be her choice for the strained relationship and he is coming forward trying to make an effort. Open up a forum for you guys to discuss concerns but be firm in standing side-by-side together as a couple.
Oh nycSM, all very good
Oh nycSM, all very good questions. I don't know yet. I've just been considering it for a couple of days. I haven't brought up the topic with DH yet because I still don't know if I can go through with it or not. I know what will happen if/when she comes here again, and I just don't know that I can take it anymore. But I would really like to try.
DH said that he has since made it clear to SD that our marriage is none of her business and to butt out. It's difficult to actually lay out rules for her visits. It isn't anything in particular that she does when she's here that we can point to and say 'that's against our agreement', but it's more a problem of her attitude in general. She never says hello, she won't even look at me. She'll refer to me as "she" or "her" while we're having a conversation, like I'm not even there. She completely dismisses me every chance she gets. She likes to start conversations that she knows will cause an arguement between DH and I or just to get under my skin. And she makes it very obvious. I'm just tired of the attitude from her. But I knew that something was really wrong last September when she last visited us. She was even more rude than she had ever been. That's when I put my foot down finally. And finding that letter validated all of my suspicions. She just has it out for me, and I can't figure out why. If we decide to have a talk with SD, it will be to find out what about me bothers her so much and why she is so rude and vindictive. I mean, a 21 year old should know basic manners and I would expect her to show them while visiting us, or anyone for that matter.