The Storm is Coming
My boyfriends ex has semi recently gotten married (four months ago) and recently celebrated her four year anniversary with this man (she only got divorved to my boyfriend a year and a half ago) She is very well known to post on social media. During her divorce with my boyfriend she had posted doxens of quote pictures about "leaving to love herself" and "knowing her worth" and "I will find someone better" and such. Recently she has started the same type of quotes all over her social media again. I can only assume it is about her new husband. We do switch off with their daughter on Sunday's. My mom picked her up from the ex yesterday and could tell something was off with her. She was more down and quiet than usual. She's almost 8 and normally very talkative and asks a million random questions all the time. She normally goes to be at 7ish (she gets really grouchy for school in the morning if she stays up any later) and after she went to bed my mom could hear her crying in her room. She had told my mom she was fine but my mom's a tad pushy she she had her come out and talk about it anyways. She had said she missed her mom and did not want to be on dads week. I don't know how to handle the situation in the position I am in. My boyfriend always tells me I'm the woman and I grew up with divorced parents so I should be able to relate to her and talk to her. It s very hard for me to talk to her about anything other than surface layer things. Bio mom has made it very clear to her that I am evil and never to be her step mom and not to trust me or be my friend. I know deep down she doesn't beleive all of what shes told from bio mom. But I do think she doesn't see me as a authoratative "parent" figure. She calls me her bestie and for the longest time I was okay with it. I honestly still am. I dont know how to cross over that "step parent" vs "bestie" line. How soon is too soon? I worry keeping up the bestie roll with her will only make it harder in the future to transition over but at the same time i think building a little friendship is important. Although its hard to have a real "friendship" with an 8 year old. Especially when it is extremely surface layered due to bio mom. I can only see things getting worse now that her new marriage is struggling. Her getting married to this new man has taken a lot of her time and energy away from attacking bio dad's reationship with me.
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I'm dealing with PAS right
I'm dealing with PAS right now and my advice is your BF needs to handle this on his own without you at all. You need to take a massive step back and he needs to talk to SD. Everything said and done regarding SD must come only from him. Otherwise SD is going to tell her mother everything you say to her out of guilt to BM. It will only get worse. BM can't have much control when SD says it's her father telling her things. If your BF refuses to do that and tries to put this on you to fix sounds like you may have a BF problem. I really hope he steps up though.
I would block BM off of social platforms. No good even giving your head any space regarding what she puts on there. It leads to you speculating and that leads to a spiral of thought and emotional tangents you don't need. Focus on you, and your BF focuses on SD. Hope things ease up for you.
^^^THIS^^^
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Being "bestie" is just fine as you are not her parent.
Being "bestie" is just fine as you are not her parent and being a step-parent does not mean you have any parenting responsibilitites. I have read all of your posts, and it is clear that your boyfriend is expecting you to step up and parent his daughter, unless you want to do something that he doesn't agree with. This is a dynamic that is going to do nothing but frustrate you. Your best bet is to be the fun aunt and leave all of the actual parenting to boyfriend and BM.
And your boyfriend is a bad parent. Any father who who is wiping the bottom of his 8 year old daughter because she can't do it herself is not a good parent. This is not normal at all. You don't have to have children to know this is strange. An 8 year old should be able to do all of things you mentioned in your other post.
One thing you need to learn is that you can't care more than the parents as it will bring you nothing but heart ache. You need to take a step back and let SO do the parenting and teaching. You can support the child and be friendly, but that should be the extent of your involvment. Your SO has made it clear he doesn't want to hear any of your concerns.
Please do not have a child with this man until you see that he is capable of stepping up and acting like a real parent to his daughter.
i have a very love/hate with
i have a very love/hate with the bestie stuff. i really don't have an issue with it, but it does get overwhelming and exhausting sometimes. since she only wants to spend time with me and do things with me and tells me she wants it to be "my" week instead of dads week. going from having my own time and doing my own thing to instantly having a child her age around has been very hard. my BF instantly accusing me of hating her if i ask him to do something with her without me. he only has her every other week so i understand it's not that much and i can have as much alone time as i want when she's gone, but sometimes i just want them to do their own thing and not have either of them think i hate her. I don't know how to find a happy medium that works for all three of us. (not all the details, i'm working on a biggest post about this issue)
a few months ago i did get a tad aggressive with my opinions on her lack of ability to do things, and hee behavior. It definitely took longer than it should've for him to realize there was a problem, but as of now he's been actively working on stuff and i can notice a slight difference.
He has this fear that she's going to stay with BM full time and he's going to lose her. BM recently married this new guy and he makes a lot of money. So BM has been spoiling SD with trips and toys and presents and anything she wants. while having no chores, no responsibility, nothing. And she brings that comparison up all the time. And he thinks she won't wanna go to dads house where there are chores and she gets in trouble for acting out when she could stay at moms and get new toys and no chores. (also more details, also working on another rant about this) He has tried to talk to BM about this, she told him to eff off and make more money to buy her more stuff.
I did not mean that you need to spend all of your time with her
I did not mean that you need to spend all of your time with her when she is in your home. I meant "bestie" as opposed to "parent." Your SO should absolutely be spending time with his daughter without you. You are under no obligation to spend all of your spare time with her on the weeks she is there.
You need to really pay attention to your SO's behavior when it comes to his daughter. It was inapropriate of him to instantly accuse you of hating her just because you wanted him to do something with her alone - that was a complete over reaction. Please be aware that there are men out there who look to find a woman to act as "mom" so they don't have to actually parent their own child. Given the difference in your ages, please make sure your SO is looking for a partner as much as he is someone to take care of his child.
Sadly, my SO is willing to
Sadly, my SO is willing to spend time with SD without me (after discussing my concerns with him privately) but SD refuses to do anything without me. It has been an major change of my SO to have rules and chores and expectations for SD. He has been taking what I tell him into account and has been trying to initate change. SD hates it. She hates him for it. I take no roll in the changes he is making with her. That is something they do one on one. SO will come talk to me afterwards and tell me what happens but other than privately talking about it, thats my only part in it. SD sees me more as the bestie now than ever. "dad is being mean and making me do hard stuff by myself" while i am cooking dinner or doing something on my own. So he has become this bad guy and I am the fun cool bestie that never puts her in her place like dad does.
It is going to take a lot of effort and a lot of trial and error to make the proper changes. My SO has recently been open to any suggestions I have made. Not that he puts all my ideas into effect, but at least hes more open to them and doesn't get super defensive.
He doesn't quite understand that I dont HAVE to like SD. It is a very sensitive subject, even now. I told him about being apart of this commuity and seeking advice from others who can relate to me and how a lot of how i feel is pretty normal. He hates the idea that i might never "love" SD, but he has come to terms with that being a possibility.
*My boyfriend always tells me
*My boyfriend always tells me I'm the woman and I grew up with divorced parents so I should be able to relate to her and talk to her.*
Nope. Why would you want to relate to, talk to and be "besties" with a kid who is a brat and steals from you? Your boyfriend needs to seriously up his parenting game, and in your situation, I'd think long and hard about remaining in a relatively short-term relationship with a man who is a shitty parent and has a kid that has issues, is being alienated against you, and doesn't sound particularly likeable. Sorry to be so blunt, but the red flags are waving here.
I agree, and its been a major
I agree, and its been a major topic in our relationship. I know he doesn't understand how difficult this is for me. I have a very submissive, shy, people pleaser personality. I tend to get walked over and overlooked a lot, not just in situations like this, but in my everyday life. I kow its something i need to work on and improve, but it is a lot harder than you'd think. My SO knows this about me and sometimes forgets that I cant fix it instantly.
My SO and I have sat down a few times and really talked about the parenting and behavior and babying of SD. It used to cause major fights between us. He would get really defensive. I would say the last 6 month or so he has really been trying to make a change with SD. Trust me, if there was no effort or if he still refused to take any critisism, i would be out the door. If i wouldve made a post about SD 8 months ago compared to how she is now? Lord have mercy. SD has made a lot of improvment. She is no where near where she needs to be at her age, but I know its going to be a long road ahead. My SO has made it clear he is willing to do whatever it takes to get SD prepared for life and have a better chance of suceeding. (within what BM allows to happen)
The way I see the "bestie" this is hit or miss. I dont really like being her bestie, but at the same time I think it would be worse to be her enemy. If how she acts and treats me as her bestie is this bad, i dont even want to imagine how shed be if i were her enemy... I know BM has a lot to do with how she acts towards me, but maybe one day she will realize im not this evil bad person BM makes me out to be.
The relationship i have with my SO is indescribable. I am sure that SD could push me to my breakin point (shes gotten me on the edge a few times already) but no matter what she does or how she acts I know my SO would do what was needed for me.
Its hard for anyone to understand, especially only hearing all the negatives that come with our situation, but he really has shown me he is willing to put the effort in to fix what needs to be fixed not only for the sake of our relationship, but for the sake of SD. There is just a lot of work cut our for him, but he knows it.
Loved it when my kids "hated
Loved it when my kids "hated" me. It meant I was doing my job as a parent. Life is tough and coddled kids don't grow up. They are stunted and failures launch. Tell you partner to remind his kid he's tough because he loves her and has expectations for her to be the best person she can be. To grow up and be self sufficient. She needs to know he has faith in Her ability to achieve. Dad play a vital roll in parenting. Research proves it.
If u presented me with this 5 yes ago..
So if I had read this about 5 hrs ago, I'd reassure you that you could be the one to have these conversations and it will be ok ..however now that my SD is older, and I've read some similar stories..I have to say that you should be firm on having dad have these tough conversations. I did not and now it's just chaos...SD's bio mom also made me out to be the devil and as much as I thought she could see through it (and did usually)...she crumbled to the daily pressure from bio mom and now...instead of the kiddo I used to take everywhere and care for (treating her just as I did my own daughters)..she is this bitter and resentful person who won't talk to me unless she Has to. I think it's hard for dads to deal with this stuff but some pressure to do so is needed. Good luck.
PAS always wins. Always.
PAS always wins. Always.
You are an adult and she is a child. If she sees you as a peer, that is a big problem. It means you and she are on equal footing, and she doesn't have to respect you. She thinks she can do whatever she wants to you without consequence. And BM is egging her on.
Take back your status as an adult. Stop being her friend.