Two faced
It's been a long time since I've been in here. I felt like I was whining all the time, and not making things any better. But I need to whine right now.
I've always gotten along best with SS16 (or so I thought), but recently I've begun to wonder.
A couple months ago, I was irritated the kids had thrashed the house, and I was venting to my hubs about how tired I was of their asshole behavior, before rounding them up and telling them to clean up their mess. Turns out SS16 was eavesdropping, which it turns out he does frequently. He wasted no time calling his mother and telling her I called him an asshole. Somehow she "got confused" (not sure which one of them spun it) and thought I sat the kids down, berated them and called them names. When hubs set the record straight, she had the audacity to suggest I needed to check my surroundings before talking to him. Excuse me? Where's the part where someone tells your kid it's wrong to eavesdrop on people's private conversations? I'm supposed to clear my bedroom, the hallway, and the walkway outside my bedroom window, before having a private conversation with my husband in my bedroom?
Then, I sold the house I owned before we married. Merging houses, we soon ran out of room for the stuff we decided to keep, between us. SS16, while acting normal to us, was apparently flipping out to his mother about things like us choosing to keep my living room furniture instead of theirs; apparently the house is supposed to stay exactly the way it was when she left it. Now we're cleaning out SS18's old bedroom, which he hasn't lived in for almost two years, to turn it into a home gym. Again, SS16 is calm on the surface, while husband's phone is getting blown up by his ex, chastising him about her fears that I'll throw away vital artifacts of their childhoods. She says SS16 is extremely upset by my cold hearted degradation of his brother's space. He's acting fine to us, and calling/texting his mother, in a tizzy. I went to SS16 and asked him if he wanted anything out of the room, or if there was anything he thought was particularly important. He went in and selected a broken plastic drug store airplane toy, and said he didn't think there was anything else (?). The thing is, I'm being careful. I'm packing away things like school awards and special toys and books and cards from family. I'm giving old clothes to Goodwill. All I'm throwing out is actual trash and stuff that's broken. It's not like I'm just tossing a match in there. Not to mention, aside from both of them overreacting (and overstepping), im getting tired of my every move in my own home being reported to his ex, whenever SS16 is here. It's certainly not a 2-way street. Everything at her house is a big secret.
Now today, SS16 and SD15 were coming up the front walk from school, and I think he forgot I was home today. Because he was loudly complaining about me, steady stream of profanity spewing from his mouth, and walked right in the front door, face-to-face with me, where he stopped short, mid-sentence. I asked him to finish what he was saying, and he couldn't or wouldn't.
The thing is, he's the one that seemed to accept me, first and easiest. And I do a lot of extra little things for him, because he's so sweet an likeable. But now I feel like it's an act, like he's a little two-faced. I feel betrayed, even though I know that's an exaggeration, like i can't trust him. And I feel dumb for not seeing it sooner. And sad because it seems I've actually struck out with all three, despite my best efforts.
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Comments
It's not uncommon for
It's not uncommon for relationships with skids to go sour during the teenage years, even when they have always been good. It also sounds like BM is doing a fair bit of poisening and I think teenagers are more susceptible to it given they are looking for someone to blame for life's challenges.
They say parenting is a thankless job but step-parenting is 100 times worse. Skids are more likely to turn on us than their bio parents and we have less ability to cope with it without that biological bond.
Only advice I have is to not live your life worrying about their feelings or what they think. Be polite but don't over-think things (ie like cleaning out the room). You have every right to do things like that in your house and you don't need to apologise for that. If they say nasty things about you, call them on it and ignore BM and her attempts to stir up trouble.
As for privacy, my SD also eavesdrops so we now go into our bedroom and put white noise on loudy if we want to have a private conversation.
Your DH should tell BM to
Your DH should tell BM to buzz off, and block her. Why does he entertain her nonsense? If SS wants to express his concerns directly to you two, he can do so, instead of using Mommy as his mouthpiece. None of BM's business what goes on in your home.
I'm sorry, hon. But at least
I'm sorry, hon. But at least you're learning the painful lesson now rather than after you pay for skids' college or weddings or become attached to their own kids when they have them.
The truth is that you can be the coolest, nicest, most loving SM ever, but if BM is encouraging the skids to dislike you, the outcome is predictable. Your skids have learned to play their mom by scapegoating you. She then pulls the big red drama handle and calls your H. He should have shut this behavior down long ago.
It feels personal, but really isn't even about you. It's about kids who have to deal with divorced parents who aren't effectively parenting and a husband who hasn't put BM in her place. I hope you can step waaay back and leave them to their circle jerk.
Teen are often twofaced when
Teen are often twofaced when it suits them. Step kids are worse, they easily become master manipulators because they figure out early on playing mom and dad against each other usually gets them what they want or out of trouble. Teen steps can get really good at lying and playing both sides of the fence. Lots of us have been tricked so don't feel bad.
Call him on it, keep his dad informed whenever he gives you trouble and keep your guard up. It's too bad he chose to be so shallow
This is very common. I used
This is very common. I used to dread the inevitable call a day or two after SD14 went back to BMs and BM would call to complain to DH about everything we did wrong. This was of course after SD was perfectly pleasant all weekend. She may act nice and polite but it's an act and she'd go home to BM with a list of grievances. I'm sure BM interrogated her about us, our house and everything we did. We never asked SD about what BM did. There were times SD would try to get BM "in trouble" with DH by saying things to try to start a conflict between them he usually didn't bite. Skids are so two faced and manipulative. Don't make the mistake of thinking they like you or trusting them. Anything they see or hear will get reported to BM. Count on it.
Yes, my SS did exactly this.
Yes, my SS did exactly this. And BM bought his BS every time. He also would talk badly about BM, but of course, DH didn't send BM email manifestos about it, like she did to him.
He's still a liar at 21. Also, he still periodically reaches out to DH and rants about BM. He hasn't grown up at all.
Everytime the exwife calls or texts your husband
Berating him about what is going on in your household, he needs to firmly put her in her place.
"this is our home and our rules, you do not get to dictate what happens here just like we don't dictate or involve ourselves in your household"
even my adult sd, my husband had to put her in her place explaining she doesn't dictate what happens with our kids or answer me back. Basically hubby told her i was the alpha female and to know her place is his daughter only, not the mother of our kids.
in your case, exwife is acting a bit like an alpha female in your household thinking she dictates what goes on there
SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin
Yes, I too have been emotionally pummeled by this phenomenon.
As detailed extensively by my blogs, if you care to read about my adventures with Feral Forger Sd22 and B/M SD15.
Feral Forger used to call me names and yell at me, then go to her mother and tell Toxic Troll BM that I was the one doing all the name-calling and yelling. Toxic Troll would send dH nasty texts about me, and he would defend me.
Backstabber will "activate" her mother, typically with a goal in mind. Because Ive upset her somehow or because I threatened her phone priviledges. This happened back in April when she was failing classes, and she asked for my help, and when she stopped doing the work and wasnt responding, I told her that I would turn her phone off. So she then accused me of harrassing her and that caused Toxic Troll to threaten full custody, and DH had to try to smooth things over and didnt have my back on it. So, now I dont interact with her, except when absolutely necessary. I dont do pick ups drop offs, I dont buy her things she likes, no outings, no treats, no shopping trips.
Her mother enjoys berating DH, of that Im certain, especially about me. He is the "bad faher" because he "chose clove over his children, his BLOOD". Pffft. He tries parenting and the Toxic Troll blocks him, so he backs off.
I know it probably hurts, knowing that the bond you THOUGHT you had with DHs spawn was real. It might be, he might grow up and realise what an utter a$$hole he was. SD might also grow up and realise what a gem you are. Dont count on it, be pleasantly surprised.
Grieve that relationship. Vent here. Back off and disengage. Do not do for them, dont cook for them, dont buy for them. Holidays dont do for them or cook for them or buy for them. Disengage.