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My Gma’s funeral

MelAnn's picture

Submitted by MelAnn on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 7:18pm

I'm very sad.  My Gma has passed.  She was in hospice for 3 weeks and I'm thankful for the time I got with her when she was still alert and herself.   This weekend is a "kid weekend" (my two kids and my step-daughter).  I have a week on / week off schedule.  My husbands time is Tues/Thurs and every other weekend. My gmas services are Monday.  I want to go be with my mom and extended family (4.5 hours away) so I said fo my husband "I want ti leave Saturday and come back Tuesday to be with my mom and extended family, thoughts?"   He said he'd leave early Monday (his weekends w his daughter go to 6pm Sunday) and would drive my kids back Monday night so they could be in school Tuesday.   I know he's trying to appear to be helpful but he's still putting his 12 year old above everything else as he can't be there due to his parenting schedule.   Her mom has switched up time for various reasons.  Why can't my husband do the same when it's such a tough situation?   I don't ever want him to feel a "choose me or her" situation - but this one stings.  

Comments

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Thu, 10/21/2021 - 8:45pm

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a gift to have shared a great relationship with a grandparent and so sad when we have to say goodbye.

The way you described your conversation sounds like you were not entirely clear as to what you wanted from him, rather relying on him to come up with a plan. If this is the case I would try to clear things up and ask him outright. Tell him that you would really apprechiate it if he could support you and not take his kids this one weekend so that he can acompany you.  Remind him of other weekends when the kids were not there or BM asked for changes. Tell him that you want him and your kids there with you. If his ex might be willing to do a weekend swap then you could suggest that you'd be open to that. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 6:16am

Sorry about your grandmother. :( 

I'm a little confused, but I think you wanted him to go with you but he won't give up his visitation time? Did you tell him directly that you'd like him to come for support? If so, I agree he should be putting your needs first in this situation and isn't. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 9:06am

Sorry for your loss, I understand this kind of pain.

I agree you need to be clear with him. BUT I get your sting. IF ONLY he had said "I know you need me now, and your family needs support I will do my best to alter wknd visitation with SD."  Instead his weekend visitation with SD stayed, even during your loss.

Would he have acted the same if it was BM who  lost of a family member , it wasnt his wknd but had plans with you so would he  keep the plans or come to the rescue for BM?  Sometimes emergencies such as death and supporting his wife  should trump everything else.

Be clear with him as to what YOU NEED during your time of grief.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 3:18pm

Sorry for your and your family lost 

MelAnn's picture

Submitted by MelAnn on Fri, 10/22/2021 - 6:37pm

You are all correct. I am assuming my husband k it's what I need.  Assumed he'd change visitation schedules to work with this situation.  I should be clear about my needs - whish is frustrating as I feel I've always responded to situations in a way I feel I am supporting him.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 10/23/2021 - 6:34am

Women are trained to put the needs of others ahead of their own. Some men need to be told directly what is needed.