Does your family of origin affect your relationship?
My husband has a couple full sisters and two half sisters. Each of this half sisters has a different mom. He never lived with a stepmom, his dad left his mom to be with another woman and then came back, and his mother took him back!
His mother and one of the other BMs were both pregnant at the same time and they get along with each other. I am still not sure who was the main woman and who was the side piece I think they both thought that they were the main and the other was the woman he cheated with. Anyway they don't hold it against each other at all and they get along pretty well. The half sisters and their half sisters (different dad's) are all considered part of the family. As long as there is some blood or marriage connection they are included. The half sister's half sister came to the full sister's wedding. Following me??
Its a weird family dynamic. His mom accepted a lot of poor treatment and let his dad walk all over her. My husband resents his dad for hurting his mom so much, but he also doesn't respect his mom for putting up with it.
When he was in HS my DH dated a girl with a kid so because of that he thought he knew about what it was like to be a stepparent but he also hated it and didn't want to date a woman with kids ever again. He then dated a woman who was separated but not divorced and she lied about it because she was still seeing her ex. So he decided not to date women who were previously married either.
Enter me. No kids and no previous marriages. My parents are still married and I have only one brother.
He expected me to immediately love and accept SD and feel exactly about her the way he did. Obviously that didn't happen. We had fights because he expected from me something he wouldn't do himself (be a stepparent) so it was unfair for him to consider women with kids to be undatable but I should be happy to integrate with him and his kid. He didn't really want to be a parent to SD and I didn't either.
Eventually we got on the same page but I think it was his mom being a pushover that gave him unrealistic expectations of everyone getting along.
He said that he doesn't want to be the type of dad that his dad was and when he got divorced He knew it was the first step to being that kind of dad and it hit him pretty hard. One of his sister still brings that up whenever she wants to get at him. Difference is his dad left and cheated multiple times and started multiple families while cheating. My husband's kids are all in the context of marriages and I don't think he is cheated on me but she says BM cheated on him. He's a terrible liar, I think he would get caught pretty quick if he started down that road. But cheating is just so prevalent that I wonder if it's only a matter of time? He seems pretty dedicated to our family though I've been very irritated with him lately and I wonder that if I'm a less than perfect happy wide he will follow in his dad's footsteps.
I'm very loyal to my friends and family. But once things are done they're done and I will move on. The only time I ever "cheated" was when a BF said we were on a break and I dated someone else and then he got mad and said I was cheating. We had different ideas of what being on a break meant...
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Females, Ugh.
I think you see your H's family, him, and their dysfunction very clearly so don't doubt yourself. The more you understand the whys, the better equipped you are to protect your self and your relationship.
Yes, FOO can affect you relationship - if your H lets it. His is a family with poor boundaries and too many females, so drama, relational aggression and hidden agendas is likely their norm. It's his responsibility to protect you from any toxicity stemming from his people, but you need to be wise and keep interactions with these women polite yet superficial. You've given us one example a SIL planting a seed of discontent and worry in your brain, so be careful about letting his sisters into your bubble.
Wondering if he'll cheat on you is wasted energy. Have you talked to your H about this, let him know his sis shared this bit of (poisonous? unhelpful?) gossip? Long before we married, my DH and I discussed our views on infidelity. We agree it's a dealbreaker, so there's no ambiguity.
By having firm boundaries, you can show your H that you are not like his mom and will not tolerate disrespect. Quiet strength, healthy behavior, and a commitment to good communication can teach him how to treat you. You come from a pattern of stability; he comes from the opposite but may value and crave calm and consistency.
My DH also comes from a dysfunctional FOO with poor boundaries and a lot of females. His mother was an alcoholic, and he lost all respect for her. But he's an example of an individual who rejected and wanted the opposite of his family, and was drawn to my independent, straightforward ways. I didn't understand why he avoided them all, so I got overly involved and tried to foster closer relations. BIG MISTAKE. It was like inviting a vampire to cross your threshold. The cognitive dissonance, manipulation and drama had me so turned around I didn't know what was real. I disengaged from the circus several years ago. We are back in our bubble again, life is drama free, and DH and I are good.
Inspiration
Exjuliemccoy - you are my hero! Your last few sentences help me. I did the same thing. My husband was distanced from his family and I tried to make it all better, and what a mistake that was. The mention of his family makes my body shake because of the trauma they have caused me. I like my bubble now!!!
This was a good response. I
This was a good response. I think you're right in that too many females in a family upsets the balance and creates a lot of drama. I have two little girls so yay, I have to keep a lid on that happening in my family. I think you've hit on something that my DH initially found a similar dramatic dynamic with BM and her family, but now he's really enjoying the peace and stability of our current family. We have set some boundaries with his family and at first he felt very very guilty about it but I think after a while he felt empowered and a lot more emotionally healthy. We'll still see them once in awhile but he won't allow them to bring their drama into our life. As you say it's like inviting and vampire in I think that is such an accurate description!
@diver111 - It takes a long
@diver111 - It takes a long time to feel "safe" again after longterm hypervigilance. I still get a bit anxious if the phone rings late at night. I experienced anxiety, depression, and CPTSD from my years around the dysfunction, and got some counselling after disengaging. That's how I learned about CPTSD. Zoloft was also helpful.
@ SeeYouNever - my DH did the same thing! His first two relationships were filled with drama, and I think he was ready for something different and healthier. But for whatever reason, he can't draw boundaries with his daughters and sisters, so evetually I disengaged completely. He is responsible for his own relationships, but without me doing all the emotional labor, he's down to the occasional text. I think he loves the peace, too.
I deleted most of my blog posts, but here are two that reveal a bit of my dynamic:
Stephell & Mental Illness - How Common is It?
Extended Family Interference - Does it Impact You?