New Blended Family--Advice and Moral Support
-cross posted from Blended Family Issues-- Please delete if not allowed. I'm new here!
Hello!
I'm new to these forums, and I am looking to connect with other parents in blended family situations for advice and moral support.
I am a divorced mother of a pre-teen daughter. My boyfriend moved in with us seven months ago. He is wonderful--my daughter and I both love him very much.
He has two boys from a previous relationship, who live across the country with their mother. The boys are with us for one week at Christmas and one week at spring break, and soon they'll be arriving for six weeks over the summer. This will be the longest time we've had them since we moved in together.
I feel very blessed, honestly. The boys are bright, polite, fun kids--and my daughter loves it when they are here. (She is the oldest of the three children.) My partner is very supportive of my needs and approachable with my concerns and incredibly loving to me in general--and after my abusive marriage, he has been a wonderful change. However, I struggle with moderate to severe anxiety, and I am wanting to be proactive about both my mental health and the mental health of my entire family this summer.
I think primarily my need for support and advice comes in these areas:
1) six weeks is longer than any of the previous visits. I'm worried about any new issues that may arise as a result of this longer period and what the impact of that might be on all members of our family.
2) I feel a bit of grief for losing the time off this summer with just my daughter. I am a teacher, and every summer of her life, it's just been the two of us. I am trying to let myself feel sadness for that while also feeling joyful about the way our family is growing. But sometimes I can't help but feel guilty that I miss some things about the days when it was the two of us.
3) I am an extroverted introvert: I love being around my loved ones, but the alone time is hugely important for me too. I am nervous about how adding two additional children to our home over the summer will impact that. I am excited for the chance to deepen my bond with the boys, but I am also nervous entering this new era for me as I will be the primary caregiver all summer as my partner works. The transition from one pre-teen girl to one twelve year old girl, a nine year old boy, and a seven year old boy feels a little daunting to me.
4) Finally, as supportive as my partner is, I don't ever want him to misinterpret my concerns and anxieties as not loving his boys or not wanting them here. I want to make sure I am fairly communicating my feelings and needs while making sure he knows that having his boys here is completing our family, not adding a burden. And I want to continue to adjust my mindset so I can better appreciate the things that I am gaining into my life, not just the things that are leaving or changing.
Thank you in advice for your support and sharing! I appreciate it very much!
Good luck!
You seem to be self-aware and the situation sounds good overall (supportive BF, good kids). Yes, it will be a big change. I went from 2 quiet kids to 5 including 3 boisterous SKs every summer back in the 70s. I dont really have much advice. I felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails. All I can say is, every day we both tried to do our best but it was a trip.
My DH took all the kids out at least one day each weekend, that helped a lot to have that down time. Like you, I'm an Introvert. That was one issue for me, having alone time. Another thing that helped was having one-on-one time with DH daily, something my counselor recommended. He told me it didnt matter if it was just a walk down the street.
After all these years and everything we went thru including all of them moving in full time, I think it was an overall good thing for my 2 kids. First of all, DH was an excellent fatber figure for them. He was kind of Disneyish but he was that way to them, too. Second, having 3 more kids made for a fuller family experience. My son recently told me he didn't feel like he had smiled after the divorce til DH and the 3 SKs came in the picture. My daughter, unlike me, raised with 3 boys, had no illusions about what boys were like, lol.
There are so many negatives and pitfalls to steplife as we see on Steptalk. But one big positive is that sharing in helping raise your BFs kids can bring you very much closer to him. Thats what happened to us. Good luck!
Make your bedroom a kid-free
Make your bedroom a kid-free zone if you haven't already. To be fair, that would include your daughter too, but you will need a place to get away and have some peace.
Expect some issues
They are kids, after all. But if you go into it like JRI said - with the perspective that everyone is doing the best they can - it sounds like it may work out better than you think.
Clarify ahead of time any house rules that must be enforced, and who does the enforcing for each kid (preferably him for his boys and you for your daughter). Make sure they don't play you two against each other.
Try and plan some fun outings but also leave quiet time to just be together.
Try and plan some outings for just you and your SO (with a sitter if needed to watch the kids)
Try and plan some outings 1:1 with each child (not just you/SO+daughter or his two sons - but more like you/SO+daughter, then you/SO+ one of his sons, then you/SO+ his other son. This way you get 1:1 time with each kid.
You can also have some 1:1 days with your daughter, and allow him time for 1:1 days with his boys. But, part of being in a relationship is making space for them - so you may have to accept that this summer will be different from the past (not just you and your daughter anymore) but it may also bring wonderful new experiences and connections.
And your bedroom should be your quiet place when you need to step away from it all.
Good luck!
Is your DH taking six weeks off from work
To take care of his kids? If not he should make plans for his kids. Summer day camp, sport camp, science camp.Ect. Something to get his kids out of your home when he's working, so you are not babysitting his kids,
You should make plans for family fun time. Camping, amusement parks, education places, ect. So you are not sitting at home thinking about what to do. Also arranged some 1 to 1 time with your DD. Whatever she is into. Let DH have 1 to 1 with his kids.
Yes this! You didn't mention.
Yes this! You didn't mention... but unless your boyfriend is also a teacher, I assume he does not have 6 weeks of vacation to use while his kids are there.
Is he just "expecting" that you will care for them because you are not working? Was there even a discussion about this topic before the plans were made for his kids summer visitation time with your boyfriend?
The others responded kinda...."flowery"...excuse me if I am more blunt than the others... but....
I'm not sure what your plans for the future are - he moved into your house (which is a big relationship step)... but he is "just" your boyfriend... and he moved into YOUR house (that will now be used to accomdate HIS kids also). I guess he did not own a home like you do - why? Is there a big financial difference between the two of you? AND if you are now ALSO responsible for watching his kids while he is working and gone for... 10ish hours a day for weeks (assuming work and commute). That IS a lot YOU are being asked for HIS visitation.
Even if he is "good" with your child... is he "watch my daughter for 10+ hours a day for weeks" good? Is way more being put on you than he does....or even would do?
One thing about steplife - make sure it is not overly uneven. It seems (to me anyway) that one person ends up with the very short end of the stick. That's not how relationships (should) work. If you are/were better off when single... well, why would you want to maintain that relationship ("love" is not enough to sustain a relationship).
Before he moved into your home, how did he accomodate his visitation with his kids? Did his family help? Did he get daycare?
You shouldn't be "expected" to watch his kids. Honestly, even if he "asked", he really shouldn't have. That puts you in the uncomfortable position of having to "say no"... and you might end up saying yes.... even though you might not want to, because you like using that time to really connect with YOUR daughter. It's A LOT to ask of a "girlfriend" that you have already moved into her home.
I
1
1. Quit what-ifing yourself
1. Quit what-ifing yourself into worry and anxiety over what might could possibly happen during a 6 week visitation Vs past 1 week visitations. Go into the summer visitation as you have any past visitation then adjust and address any issues that arise as events unfold. What if's kill joy and happiness. Don't waste your happiness on what if.
2. Why feel grief I've something that isn't really a loss. Rather than lamenting the six weeks focus on the other 8-10 weeks you will have the opportunity for just you and add time. Besides, you already said they the boys are pleasant kids, your daughter enjoys their visits, and all of you blend well. Get out of your own head and stop creating problems that don't exist. Worry about problems they actually actually arise rather than the what-ifs.
3. If you need alone time, take your alone time. All of these kids are of adequate age to make their own lunch and clean up after, go knock around in the back yard, ride their bikes, etc... which provides you with ample opportunity for some decompression/alone time. Again, get out of your own head and stop with the what ifs.
4. This is the high risk one. It can go wrong in any number of ways. I would suggest that you adopt the TMI perspective on communicating your feelings and needs regarding the summer with your mate. More good relationships have crashed and burned over "feelings" than have failed over actual problems and reality. Focus discussion on activities, schedules, etc... and don't inject the feelings and needs into the situation.
We lived under nearly the same visitation schedule for 16+ years though from the CP side. I would suggest a major shift in perspective. You only have to accommodate visitation 3x per year on a frequency that is months between visitation. Think of the hell WO/WO or EOWE would be for you.
Deep breaths, embrace the historical positives, and get out of your own way.
IMHO of course.
It will be different with SKs
It will be different with SKs there that is to be expected. But you have to remind yourself these are not your kids and they are not there to spend time with you. You're only obligations in this situation are to be a parent to your daughter, a partner to your BF. When his kids are there treat them with kindness, but you are not their parent and are not responsible for them.
It doesn't sound like you have an established relationship with them yet. So take things slow and let the relationship develop naturally. If you do too much to soon it may end up causing issues.
It is perfectly acceptable for you to spend time with your daughter alone as it is for BF to spend time alone with his kids.
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