30 year old stepdaughter who just met biodad
My husbands adult daughter just met her dad. He found out about her when she was 13 but biomom didnt want him to have contact. She tried contacting us a few times and they were not good interactions. She recently contacted me via fb messanger and apologized for her previous actions. I decided to be the bigger person and forgive her. Fast forward I have felt guilty that my husband has raised my kids but never met his so after him telling me to be the "buffer' I scheduled a meet up with her, her husband and her 10 year old daughter (yes my husbands granddaughter) My husban d thanked me for accepting her into family etc but for 30 years old she texts and messaged him continuously throughout the day. If he doesn't answer she messages me "where's the old man" I feel like our whole lives are now just about her and her daughter. He has literally met her 3 times. We invited her to our campsite over this last weekend and she reinvited herself the next day and she brought her whole family including her brother and his GF. The thing that upsets me is my husband wanted to then come home pick up the motorcycle and drive to their house and "surprise them" can we say OVERKILL. Im losing my compassion reallu fast. IS this normal behaviour between both of them? and to go so hard so fast? Please Id love andy advice cuz my mind is just in circles right now. Everynite she has her daughter Gia face time him and yesterday had my husband facetime her brother who is no relation to my husband.
Temporary
Hopefully this level of contact will be temporary. My DH does this sometimes when SD 29 reaches out needing help. He is giddy and falls all over himself to help her. It's hard to stomach sometimes. Then she goes away for a while. We live 7 hours away, so there's not opportunity for the in-person visits very often.
I sure hope this is temporary
I sure hope this is temporary. She just actually had her husband pass away at the age of 39. We've only met them 3 times. My husband and I wanted to show support so we drove out to her house where she lives with her in laws and her brother, She wanted us to go bowling. Not one tear. Yet the 2 days prior she was continually texting us stating how depressed and "lost" she was. I just dont get it. She is coming over to our house tomorrow for my daughters birthday and to say i'm nervous is an understatement.
Trigger warning for some here
Trigger warning for some here.
I would insist your husband have a DNA test done. That is where it should start.
... and a background check.
DNA test & a background check, for sure.
The best con artists don't just play your emotions & mind games, they play your instincts. Also, even if she's a true bio-daughter, the zero-boundaries way she's suddenly glommed on full-force isn't right - something doesn't add up with her (based on the limited info you shared).
OP, I am so sorry you're in this situation.
DNA test
I believe he had one done when he first found out about her as he paid child support from the time she was 13 to 18 years old. She started contacting him right after child support stopped. We had 2 unsuccessful trials where she was sending him pic of her pierced tomgue and at this time she was 18. Alot of weird things happened over the last 12 years. I just finally decided toforgive and give them a chance. I thought at 30 she would have matured but she is very needy and has taken to calling my husband "POPS" OLD MAN and DAD before she even met him face to face. It just feels strange to me
My condolences
You just lost your married life as you know it.
Right now your DH is in the puppy love stage. He has stars in his eyes as he connects with his 30 yr old baby girl and family. Aint that sweet. Yes its great to connect with his long lost bio, but as it seems there are no boundaries. Daddio is at her disposal and how the hell can you complain,thats his long lost DD.
But who cares! Set those dang boundaries before its too late and your married life has hit rock bottom.
You were good and kind to set this up, do not let this become your biggest regret.
Boundaries
This is what i'm afraid of. She is also using her daughter to guilt my hubby into calling them nightly. Then when he calls the granddaughter says "my mom told me to call you" GD could care less. Why should she? She's only met us 3 times. My stomach is in knots. I just hope hubby opens his eyes to some of this manipulation
I'd be very cautious here
maybe they'll burn themselves out quickly during this "honeymoon" phase of their relationship, but maybe not. Like others have said, I'd have a really honest conversation with your DH about what this means for your future. And be honest!! If she's a wonderful person who is just glad to know her Dad and his wife and their family, great. But if she isn't a wonderful person, I'd be careful and suspicious of what might come next. Will she want something? Need money? Need to make up for lost time? You should all go slowly, getting to know each other and after a while of doing that you can all assess what kind of relationship you want with one another. Just because she decided to meet him (and accept him?) doesn't mean you should be on the hook for anything. Put up some boundaries with your DH and if he doesn't think they're necessary, put some in place for yourself. I hope it all works out well for everyone.
If he doesn't answer she
If he doesn't answer she messages me "where's the old man" I feel like our whole lives are now just about her and her daughter.
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OP you allow someone to refer to your husband in this manner. OH hell no.
Good Luck with this one. She sounds like a class act.
"Old man"
I don;t "allow it" in fact I think it's pretty ballsy. She calls him pops and dad to and only met him now 4 times over her entire 30 years. I don't think it's appropriate at all and I've said something to my husband and he just blows it off.
Yeah, this is weird. You have
Yeah, this is weird. You have every right to set boundaries.
I would have my guard up.
I would have my guard up. This level of "love" so fast is suspicious to me. I can understand DH being giddy with excitement to meet his grandchild, Grandchild love is like no other, but the FTiming the brother who has NO relation to your DH is weird. I would be cautious of all of a sudden her hitting your DH up for money. Just watch them, set boundaries, protect yourself and your DH. This is off t me. What 30 year old wants or needs so much attention?
There is so much of this that
There is so much of this that doesn't sit right with me:(
Someone is jockeying for a
Someone is jockeying for a share of the estate.
smh
THIS!
I thought the exact same thing - keep an eye on his will and his beneficiary on his pension or retirement plans.
And life insurance. Guilty
And life insurance. Guilty surprise parents can make some idiot decisons that will completely screw their spouse and younger children. It behoves the spouse (us) to prevent this at all costs.
An adult surprise child has been raised and the surprised parent owes them nothing from an access to assets perspective.
Great, build a relationship, recognize the surprise kid and GKids, but.... hold them accountable to the same behavioral and performance standards that they should have been held to had the surprised parent raised them. Or more impportantly, the same standards that the spouse of the surprised parent would have demanded.
Well we have nothing so she's
Well we have nothing so she's infor a surprise..lol
We have a similar situation
We have a similar situation here. My DH got reconnected with his daughter (21) 2 years ago. He lost touch with her when she was 4, because biomom moved and didn't tell him where (they live in a different state). My DH should have pushed, but he's not a fighter.
Anyway, I'm trying to give it time, because I know it's important to him, but the way he talks to her versus our kids is infuriating. I also feel like he is getting all his emotional needs met by her now, we hardly have any kind of real conversation. He doesn't do anything for me for Valentines, but texted her Happy Valentines?? I'm being patient for now, but it's made his thoughtless-ness towards us obvious, and I won't put up with it forever.
And of course there have been requests for money, which he can't give her fast enough. Nothing too major yet, but every conversation seems to circle around what she and her BF need or want, but they just don't know how they are going to pay for it. *scratch_one-s_head*
She is an adult. Not one
She is an adult. Not one penny of your marital resources or assets go to his guilt baby/adult daugther without prior discussion and more importantly, prior approval from you.
Period. Dot.
Is your husband wealthy
Is your husband wealthy compared to the new SD and her family? Does he have any medical conditions he has told SD about? Either of those things would make me wonder if she is doing all this for money.
On the other hand, is she emotionally unstable? If so, she may just be a woman with no boundaries who has latched on to your husband as her "flavor of the month", and will hopefully get bored and move on soon.
Either way, your instincts are correct that something seems fishy. Her behavior sounds way over-the-top, and looks to ne problematic for your life and your relationship. It's good to care about your husband's happiness but you matter too.
We definately are no where
We definately are no where near wealthy. hubby lost his job last year and I was off d/t open heart surgery. We basically live paycheck to paycheck.. He husband just passed away though and he's been sick for over 4 years so I wonder if they knew this was going to happen
Be careful. I'd
Be careful. I'd "accidentally" (wink wink) block her number on your phone. Unfortunately I'm afraid if you say anything your DH may turn on you. These men get absolutely rabid about their relationship with their daughters. Set boundaries for yourself.