I hate my step daughter.... What do I do?
I love my partner moe than anything in the world. I am 27 and he is 47 and we are incredibly happy and there are almost no issues in our relationship. I know with him I've found a home and family for the rest of my life. However he comes with 4 kids. 2 are out of the house and 2 come to our house every other monday & tuesday and every other weekend. The son is 15 while the daughter is 11. I get a log with the son famously. He is very similar to me. His daughter on the other hand, embodies everything I dislike about people in general. She is attention seeking, childish, dumb as dirt, intentionally acts dumb on top of it because she thinks its cute, and believed she is entitled to any and all things she wants.
In addition, I never wanted kids. This just solidifies that fact. However I have 7 more years till shes out of our house. Ive been living with them for a year now, and I was doing really well. Until we got a dog. I am an animal person more than I am a human person. I lost my dog 7 years ago and ever since have been waiting until I was able to get another dog. The issue is, that I wanted the dog for me and not for the girl, but since the girl is so soft, emotional and childish, the dog has now "chosen" her as his favourite. This enranges me to the point of no return. I am at the point here not only do I resent the girl, I resent the dog too.
My partner is very good about listening to my stuggles and while he doesn't understand all of it, he accepts it and is doing his best to help the situation. Moreover I think he is just sad that I don't like his daughter, but also understands it. Apparenlty she is the most like his exwife and he stuggles from time to time with her also.
However I don't know what to do at this point. The girl walks around the house and preached about how good her relationship is with the dog and that he follows her everywhere. This makes me want to scream, because she unknowlingly is rubbing it in my face CONTANTLY. I feel like this kid gets anything and everything she wants because she stuggles with "separation anxiety" from her mother becasue her mother is do dirty and messy that the daughters room is too filled with boxes to even sleep in. In addition she gets night terrors at our house and even got sleep paralysis one time. Therefore he baby's her even more because hes terrifed of another episode or hurting her in any way. I on the other hand came from a strong European background and am a much more stict person. I can't stand how he handles her but I also know my way woudln't work.
At the end of the day I feel like I have to make the most sacrifice. I have to change how I talk, how I dress, how I explain things, how I dicipline all becasue his kids are too soft. Meanwhile the changes they have made have been miniscule in my direction. I'm not looking to change their whole lives, but something has to give. Not only do I have to change myself when I don't want to, this damn kids has stolen my dog from me.
I haven't told anyone this, but I want to get rid of the dog. I think it was a huge mistake to get a dog for my relationship with her.
I feel stuck and honestly completely destoyed. I know it might sound silly, but that dog was everything to me. I had waiting 7 years to get this dog. And now he wont even pay attention to me when she is there. I am also scared he will get so attached ot her that once she leaves it will break him. But I can't send the dog with her. It's an extremely rare breed that was very expensive. No way id give a dog like that up to a kid that has no respect.
Please no hate - I am desperately trying to work through my feelings and save our relationship. I'm just so scared the longer this goes on, the more I will resent her and the dog. Please help. Any advice is welcomed.
This doesn’t sound
Like the right relationship for you. Regardless of your relationship with him, you don't sound ready to be in the relationship as it involves the child.
You sound ready to punish the dog for being a dog, which also makes me wonder if you have experienced jealousy and attachment issues yourself in the past.
Sounds like some counseling might help you learn to work through what are clearly painful feelings for you.
Yes, I agree with all of this
Yes, I agree with all of this. You don't like kids and he has 4. You want to be strict, and he just isn't. And being mad at the dog is really YOUR issue to resolve. My dog also loved my SS and slept with him when he was over. I thought it was kind of sweet, frankly.
Seems like your needs are not being met, despite you saying they are - may be personal issues, may be you trying to force this to be the right relationship, when it's not.
In my life if the dog
Doesn't like someone, then we have real problems, LOL.
But at least my dogs like my fiancé's kids. So they can't be all bad.
So here's the thing. If you
So here's the thing. If you never wanted kids. What are you doing??? If you hate his daughter. What are you doing???
The reality is, the kid isn't going anywhere for 7 years minimum, and then he'll still be a part of her life. so she'll still be around
As fo rthe dog. The dog is being a dog. You cna't be mad at it for that. Dogs pick favorites, does it sometimes suck? Absolutely. But it is what it is. You can't force the dog not to love her. That would be cruel.
I get these feelings are painful and they don't always logically make sense. But you gotta take a second, evaluate the whole situation with some logic, and decide if this situation is right for you.
Why are you in a relationship
Why are you in a relationship with a man who has kids when you don't want any kids? When they grow up and move out, if they move out, very little changes. They reproduce and the cycle continues.
It sounds like you need a
It sounds like you need a break. Can you and the dog go away for a week somewhere on your own? That way you can bond more with the dog and get a bit of breathing space and thinking time for yourself.
smh
If this Skid is on a visitation schedule then up your interface time with the dog when SD is at BM's, train the dog to be at your side, and fix the irritant that the dog and SD represent.
A snap of your fingers and a command to return to your side followed by a scratch and a Scooby snack and .... poof! No more problem.
OP, I'm sorry you are going
OP, I'm sorry you are going through all this! All that is a lot. As someone who is also childless with my DH who has 3 kids, I completely understand how it's you making most the changes and sacrifices. And yeah it sucks. I like the BethAnne's idea - having a little break. Maybe some time away will give you the clarity you need or the opportunity to listen to your gut.
This is an unfortunate
This is an unfortunate situation, but something has to give. As much as you enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, his daughter isn't going anywhere for several years, and I would imagine that things will get a lot worse, not better, as she enters the difficult teenage years. If you already hate his daughter and are starting to dislike an innocent dog because of its interactions with his daughter, I don't see how you continue the relationship. It just doesn't seem to be a good fit at all for you and what you're looking for in life.
I agree with taking a little
I agree with taking a little break away somewhere with your dog. You are childless so you have the oppurtunity to just do this when you need. It would be a good idea to maybe see a therapist and address some of your personal issues also. I also agree with rags about trainging your dog a bit more and bribing with food , always works. Unfortunately just because a child turns 18 doesnt mean they are going anywhere ,, my DH's eldest boy stayed at home till he was 28 while he saved for a house. This is something that comes with your BF for the rest of his life , i think you need to think clearly on whether you can accept this for the rest of your life
Why do you have to change how
Why do you have to change how you dress and talk around your SD? Does your SO require that? So you can't be yourself around SD and you're required to change your personality around her and to top it all off even the dog seems to prefer her. No wonder you feel the way you do. Does your partner give your SD all his love and then some leaving you with scraps or nothing when she's there? I need more details to be able to offer any insight. I'm a veteran SM who got scraps if anything at all while I watched my SD31 be raised as a narcissist and your description of how you're feeling is exactly how I felt for many years.
It can’t be both ways
You said "I am 27 and he is 47 and we are incredibly happy and there are almost no issues in our relationship. I know with him I've found a home and family for the rest of my life. However he comes with 4 kids."
yet you are here and clearly distressed.
Sorry but there is no however in these situations. Your boyfriend is a father of 4. He is not a great guy who happens to come with children like fries on the side. He's a dad and always will be. Later on he'll likely be a grandfather. Loving someone while wishing they were a different person or had different life circumstances doesn't work. This upset you are experiencing is actually a relationship problem. This young girl is his child and responsibility. Don't underestimate how much time and attention that requires even in a healthy family relationship. Children are demanding. She will not go away and teen years will be harder than now. Think carefully about what you are signing up for here.
I feel you
I just got a cat and two months we bonded and now the SD is back she won't let him walk away or do anything with anyone else. She will act like she's playing with his string toy herself, when really she just is trying to get his attention back to her and then says things like oh look at us being cute....so I guess she has a cat now. I was really mad about it for awhile then I just let it go, she's a kid and kids grow up with animals they're generally theirs.
I will say though, for the dog, if you feed and water that dog, and walk it and only you feed and water that dog every morning, it won't matter what bond they have. Or start training with it.
I grew up very strict and my SO is the exact opposite and although my SD is overall a good kid the little things that get looked over drive me up a wall. I'll say things to my SO about it but after awhile it leaves me feeling like a giant nagging bitch all the time but then I'm like, please just have some manners and respect for the things we provide for you. Idk. I have no advice, just...I feel you.
I personally think you are
I personally think you are too immature emotionally to be a step-parent. Step-parenting is all about sacrifices and it won't feel like it's worth it most of the time but the reward is your partner and hopefully, over time a nice relationship with your skids. But it takes time and effort, lots and lots and lots of effort.
On top of the counselling others have recommended (which I think is absolutey necessary). My advice would be that you have your own place to stay at when he has the skids so you can minimise your interactions with them until such a time as the relationship improves and/or they are adults and move out.
Lol, I have visuals of a granny shed in the back yard.
Complete with posted "NO SKID ZONE" signs all over the garden. Maybe some razor wire and mine fields to enforce the zone.