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SS and DH at a Crossroads

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 8:25am

Deleted due to specific identifying communication - thanks for your perspectives.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 8:36am

It's not something worth fighting - it is normal for him to want to stay where his friends and work are as a late teen. Whether or not it's BM's influence, I don't know - but it is a hazard of living far away from your kids. Time for DH to let him go. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 8:42am

Agreed. There will be no fight. 

But SS isn't a normal kid and there are no friends. This is just the sad conclusion of losing a kid to PAS.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 8:48am

Well - not if he's aging out of the custody agreement. Losing him to PAS would mean he stopped coming entirely and refused to speak to your DH, as happened with my SS and many others. Not to say BM isn't trying, but if he's still speaking to your DH, he's not alienated entirely. 

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 9:27am

I don't know that wanting SS to work is PAS. Especially if SS is easily lead, he needs independence. DS worked from the time he was 14. When he started driving, he got a job with his BD, he obviously spent more time with BD because he was working close to there, even though BD was the NCP. I could have held him to the custody agreement, but that would have only hurt DS. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 9:38am

I agree. I think a hazard too of living far from your kids is that they will naturally be closer to the custodial parent, since they spend the vast majority of their time with them. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 9:44am

Yeah it's ashame moms can up and move the kid while the dad is in the military and $30K worth of legal fees later she still got her way.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 12:13pm

I've had similar thoughts about these things as the boys get older, and I've decided to reframe them in my head.

Example: OSS doesn't visit us unless ET asks him to come down. He's in college. I could be upset that OSS only visits when ET calls him up and he needs somewhere to stay. Or, I could see him NOT visiting as the normal response from a college student and begging your son to come home as "not normal".

It may not seem "normal" because of all the other circumstances surrounding your SS. I get that 100%. But, this opens up the opportunity for your DH to say "no worries son, I'll miss you, but I totally know it's NORMAL and EXPECTED for a teen your age to want to stay home so you can work and save money." If your SS has an inkling that BM has effed him up and he's worried he's doing wrong, encouraging him that his actions are the correct/age-appripriate actions may be far more helpful for him. Yes, your DH gets the shaft on it, but his son becomes a better person for it (hopefully).

It sucks bringing teen SKs into adulthood. You watch as all the damage done to them starts to either solidify or make them question a lot of things when they were younger. Good news is that they're adults, so you don't have to play the game about what's "age-appropriate" anymore. I'm not saying let every cat out of the bag, but if they start opening the bag, you don't have to stop them anymore. It's freeing and terrifying at the same time.

ICanMakeIt's picture

Submitted by ICanMakeIt on Tue, 03/30/2021 - 12:54pm

Thank you this was a very helpful different way of viewing the situation. I worry about setting the precedent for the younger SK. I just want it to be the actual kid's desire and not parroting mommy dearest's desires. There would have been no heartburn had it been his idea. Regardless we are moving on and letting whatever will be, be. 

Freeing and terrifying indeed.