Disengaging
So I need some advice on disengaging and how to do this without feeling like I'm letting people down and driving myself mad!
I've been with my OH for 9 years and he has 2 SD 15 and 13. We got together 9 months after he split from his ex. Due to respecting his ex wishes I didn't meet the girls for nearly a year. I have always has a good relationship with the girls and in fact we all appreciated how carefully we had blended our family.
However 6 years ago we had our son and things have changed with the eldest SD. She now keeps saying that she feels as if my OH loves our son and his other daughter (her sister) more than her. She feels she has to please us all the time (which she totally doesn't and we have reiterated that thousands or times). She got offered a scholarship to college and she boarded and all was going well. But a year ago she threatened to kill herself as she didn't know who she was / was hearing voices in her head / having difficulty forming relationships etc. This has turned our whole world upside down as due to these concerns she was no longer allowed to board and so her mum and sister moved down to be with her so she could stay at school.
She is in counselling at moment but in the meantime has point blank refused to have any contact with either my OH or me. She feels we have abandoned her as we are unable to travel a 400 mile round trip more than once every 6 weeks to see her (OH meets them halfway between times). She resents the fact she hasn't a dad at home with her.
She has blocked me from all contact and when I messaged her yesterday to wish her a happy birthday, my OH got a message from his ex asking him to tell me to not message my SD as its 'sending her over the edge'. It's the first time I have contacted her directly without my OH / BS since Xmas as there are fears for her mental health so we were trying trying let her have some distance whilst counselling underway (she's also autistic).
It's getting to the point that I can't do right for doing wrong, I'm so hurt she won't see that I'm trying to be there and my poor OH is stuck in the middle. I think I need to try and disengage to almost protect myself but then be a better support to my SD in the future - but how do you disengage?
Welcome to the site!
Disengaging can be tailored to your particular circumstances. In your case I would suggest that you not contact SD at all for the time being, let your DH handle all matters relating to her. Hearing voices suggests a fairly serious mental health problem as these symptoms denote an inability to distinguish her inner world from reality. It is not your fault if she feels that your DH loves your son and her sister more than her. It's part of her illness and not your responsibility. You're not doing anything wrong. Why is she in college if she's only 15?
Hi - she got a sporting
Hi - she got a sporting scholarship as she has a real talent for sport and as she wasn't settling into her school she chose to go to the boarding school which both parents agreed with. But in hindsight this has further exasperated her mental health. Thanks for the advice - I do need to step away
Wowza
Got it. You are an evil Byatch that sent SD over the edge by texting her happy birthday. Dang you must be an awful person. Do you kick puppies too? SMH all sarcasm here.
Do not let your head do you in. You know you tried with her, you know you included her. SD is jealous of the family you have and she chooses not to be in it. I am sure batty BM helps reinforce SD's hatred for you.
Be glad she stays gone.
It sounds like your SD has as
It sounds like your SD has as lot of issues and you're probably right you won't be able to do right for doing wrong. It's easy to blame her dad, he's an easy target to some extent. Many children have completely absent fathers (your OH is there for her) but still manage to do ok, especially if they have other supportive family members. Don't let her make you the target as well. Disengaging sounds like it could work for you however I am still trying to get this right myself so am no expert. You can't physically remove the person from your life because of your partner - so I see it as more of a 'mindset' you have to develop. As I say, I've certainly not mastered the art myself yet and find it pretty hard.
BM can F-off. Keep messaging
BM can F-off. Keep messaging your SD with reasonable adult communication. She is no longer a young child. She is 3 years from ostensibly being an adult. Her infantile toxic BM minion bullshit needs to continuously confronted with reasonable adult interface. She can blow up with BM since she is apparently disengaging from her family with her father, you, her sister, and her younger half sibs.
If she fails to extricate her head from BM's ass, good riddance. If she does... she may just be salvageable. Though sadly that is unlikely as much as she apparently enjoys the fragrence of BM's PASing ass.
Good luck.