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Adult SD not taking responsibility

Adoss0212's picture

Submitted by Adoss0212 on Sat, 02/13/2021 - 6:04pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Hello,

I am new here. I am looking for advice. My 23 yr old SD has been living with us since we came together. She has "graduated" cosmetology school, but flunked her boards. She can't keep a job. We helped her buy a car last summer and the deal was that she would pay us back. The car is in our name until she pays it back. We received two payments. The last one six months ago. SD is behind in paying rent. Her room is filthy. She leaves every weekend with her boyfriend for his mom's house. All of this drives me crazy. Meanwhile when I say something to my husband he gets all quiet and then has an attitude. I know he wasn't brought up that way and neither was I. He and I have known each other since we were 12 years old. I want to take the car away, but he doesn't seem to want to. I'm tied off seeing my SD walk all over her father. He is just as much at fault for letting it happen. I just am at my wots end. I love him very much and fear that my frustrations with his daughter is taking taking a toll on our relationship.  Does anyone have any advice?

Kaylee's picture

Submitted by Kaylee on Sat, 02/13/2021 - 8:13pm

Sadly, this situation is all too familiar to many of us. 

I don't have any specific advice but understand and share your frustrations.

Wilhelm's picture

Submitted by Wilhelm on Sun, 02/14/2021 - 12:04am

If he bought the car leave it between the two of them. Keep your money seperate so you do not get annoyed when it is spents in ways you do not agree with,

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 02/14/2021 - 6:08am

Can you help him understand that he's NOT helping his daughter this way? He needs to push her out of her comfort zone and make it more attractive to live somewhere else, if he wants her to be an independent adult (which is what's best for her, and will make her feel better about herself).  He should be charging rent, and she should be paying for her phone and her car insurance as well.  And if she has mental health issues, which are often part of Failure to Launch, then she needs to get therapy for them as a condition of living there.

Maybe if you approach it with information on Failure to Launch and how to address it, he will hear it.  If not, then you simply have to say that it's not acceptable to you that she lives there anymore, and it's your home, too.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 02/14/2021 - 3:17pm

Reposes the car and lock it in a storage unit that only you know about.  She can have it back once she has caught up her payments.

As SParents we may be married to failed parents but that does not mean we have to support the continued parenting failures of our mates or otherwise tolerate crap from their failed family breeding experiments.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Tue, 02/16/2021 - 12:51pm

As hard as it is remember your DH isnt 10 yeras old being taken advantage by a bully. Your DH is a grown ass adult who is willing to enable the lazy snot SD. It sure is a love kill to watch isnt it?

I would demand though that your SD either pays her rent does her chores or she is out. If he doesnt like it, Mr Enabler can leave with the princess.

Hesitant to try's picture

Submitted by Hesitant to try on Tue, 03/02/2021 - 5:30pm

And start thinking about how you and your DH can get SD out on her own. You don't mention what has been tried. You will find a lot of information on the site about adult skids who do not live successfully on their own and wreak havoc on the couple for months/years. This is what you need to avoid. Start now.