Disengaging
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Any type A personalities struggle with disengaging? I try to disengage multiple times, but everytime something happens and I look at DH like WTH, you really allowing this....and feel like I need to say something. Just this evening it has happen twice. I know what I need to do, it's just hard. Anybody else struggle with this? And maybe it's not a personality thing maybe it's just parenting...
I never really engaged in the
I never really engaged in the first place, my DH was always the parent and he was a good one. He never allowed bad behavior and he didn't expect or want me to parent in any way.
I've often read stories on here and felt I could not stay with the man in question because he was such a poor parent. Even if I disengaged, I'd lose all respect for him, watching him parent in such a selfish way that affected his kids' future and my well-being.
Tog we need your DH
We need your DH to start posting around here, to help the DHs that struggle with parenting and show them it can work for everyone.
I was always disengaged but I
I was always disengaged but I felt the need to say stuff sometimes, mainly when I could keep silent no longer on how DH was handling something. For instance, he was forever driving them up and down the road, back to NPD BM's when they came over EOW, because they'd forgotten something "essential" like a phone charger. If it had been up to me they could have waited till Sunday evening when he took them back.
Yes, I agree. Even though my
Yes, I agree. Even though my DH was overall a good parent, he had moments of being too strict, in my opinion. I'd speak up then, though he didn't always listen, lol.
I am very type A and also OCD
I am very type A and also OCD. I also am a behavior specialist. So I struggled very much with watching SO parent especially when SKs had issues that could be easily corrected.
I had to focus on breaking my own habits instead of focusing on his or theirs.
I decided this because when SKs are not around we never have a single argument, we get along amazingly. Every argument in our relationship revolves around SKs. I don't like to argue, I don't like to feel stressed out.
I used the serenity prayer " to accept the things you cannot change"
SO had been oarenting that way for 13 years, he was mentally and emotionally defeated by SKs and BM. Even the counselor said it would be years to undo the damage in SO. Years!!! SO is the typical victim of narcissistic control, not just from BM but SKs as well. I give him praise for after 3 years at least finally being able to recognize that. Which is a step in the right direction but it's only the beginning for him.
So I had to focus on what I could change, what I had control over and that was me and how I handled things. The only way I could begin to do this being a naturally caring person. Was to first work on detachment. For me it is not possible to ignore a child engaging in behavior that is detrimental to them and do nothing unless I am not emotionally involved.
Now I look at everything they do in a black or white context. I no longer allow myself to attach feelings to thier actions good or bad.
Oh wow! This just gave me so
Oh wow! This just gave me so much life! This is exactly how I feel and what I need to do. Thank you so much for responding. It's hard to find some that understands, especially when your a person that really cares a lot. I told DH this morning it's hard because I either care a lot or don't care at all, but I have to take my emotions out of the situation and look at me. Really thank you for this!
Yes, it must become
Yes, it must become unemotional. It takes practice but is possible. I thought of it as a situation not people when witnessing whatever was going on. Removing myself from it physically helped too. If you can leave the room do it.
But how do you keep respect
But how do you keep respect and love for the man? I guess I can't separate him from how he parents.
I know, right? I really don
I know, right? I really don't know. Maybe because he also doesn't see me in a parent role and doesn't expect me to parent, at least not for years now after our last big argument about OSD and parenting.
He's also been vocal about putting me first and even telling SDs this when needed.
So although he's not a strong parent, he's a strong partner and we're able to communicate effectively.
That's my issue. My DH really
That's my issue. My DH really wanted me to parent more so I believe, but I told him if he wasn't going to back me I wouldn't be doing it. Everytime I tried it wouldn't turn out well. Now I have step away for the most part and much doesn't get done, but I'm learning that's on them two as the parent of the child not me
Yes. and he might need to be
Yes. and he might need to be told multiple times, firmly.
One of the other things I
One of the other things I have learned to accept is SKs are not going to learn anything from any adult. The reason for this is they have no respect for their own parents. They have a mindset where they already know everything!
They are going to have to learn by falling on Thier faces in life. A situation most parents try to prevent. The fact that SKs parents did not do this for them is not my burden to bare and my trying would accomplish nothing.
I truly find it fascinating as SKs are so immature and self involved for their ages that they do not even have the ability to produce abstract thought.
My DS who is the same age can anticipate the possible consequences of a decision. He may still make the wrong decision for immediate gratification but he is aware he is the one taking that risk and he learns from his mistakes.
Not SKs they live purely on self gratification and cannot see past Thier immediate desires. They also do not have the ability to recognize social cues. They don't understand that thier behavior is socially unacceptable.
An example is OSD 14 throwing a full blown temper tantrum for over an hour with her friend present, causing her friend to be so uncomfortable she wanted to go home. OSD inviting a friend over then ignoring her the entire time.
YSD is physically and verbally aggressive to her friends that's why she never has a friend for more than a few weeks. She is never invited back to another adults home after the first time because she is rude and demanding.
Neither of these kids learn that maybe it's them!!
SO was just talking today about enrolling YSD in DS school district. It is one of the best in our area for academics and extracurricular activities. They also have the best special education programs available.
I know why SO wants to do this. It's because YSD is failing. But that is largely a parenting issue with YSD. Although she has learning issues, she is also lazy and just flat out refuses to do the work and no one makes her.
YSD has gotten away with the way she acts in her current school because she has known these kids her whole life and they are used to her. I told him flat out that if he transfers her to this school especially entering 8th grade acting as immature as she is, she will get eaten alive. These kids don't know her they have no attachments to her they will not hold back.
I agree with SO in the point she needs to grow up. But I also know what bullying can do to a kid and don't want to see her suffer. He would be better off enrolling her in a social skills program that is run by therapists.
What you said about
What you said about immaturity is point on! Several times I look at SD and wonder why are y'all not addressing this behavior, it's not good for her age. It's also a ton of attention seeking. SD will literally try to wrestle with DH if she see my toddler boys doing it. I literally leave the room because it's too much. And trying to point that out seems to only be meet with annoyance by family. I see now it's just the culture of Skids.
Disengaging does not require
Disengaging does not require you to ignore toxic or to bite your tongue in the face of your SO failing as a parent. If your mate is failing to effectively parent children in your home then it is entirely appropriate for you to clearly communicate the requirements you have for him to effectively parent.
Holding him accountable for delivering on your expectations is also not something you must drop if you go with disengagement.