Looking for some clarity in a confusing situation
Hello everyone, I haven't posted since September. Well I'll give a quick summary of the situation first. I've been married to my DH for about 2 years now. He has a 4 year old child with a woman that was already married that he has no legal rights or custody arrangement with. He continues to send the amount they agreed upon for child support and dreams of one day getting custody. His ex lied to him about her marital status when they made the child and between her extortion and tantrums I'm not a big fan.
Well DH assured me he wants to have a family with me, that he realizes he made a big mistake and then continued to make poor choices for years when it came to his ex and sd. He told me he was ready to put our family first and do what he can for sd.
Well we found out a month and half ago we're expecting. I was very excited about it, dh says he is too. Well as some of you may know there's a bit of an issue with covid being out of control across the country right now (we live in the US). DH decided now was the time to fly to visit SD despite warnings from the CDC about traveling right now and my concerns about the risk it poses to baby and me. I cannot describe how betrayed I feel. I feel like he has chosen which family to prioritize and it is his failed first family.
He was supposed to at least talk to a lawyer to figure out if he has any chance for custody and he hasn't bothered. Sd is over 4 now, he won't even do a free consult or email a lawyers office.
He is supposed to return tomorrow and honestly I don't think I want to pick him up tomorrow from the airport or even be here when he gets back. I spoke with him on the phone, he kept promising he would get this all resolved in January. I don't know why he seems to think I'm an idiot, he's had 5 months and he couldn't be bothered. I believe deep down he knows he will never be able to get custody.
Any advice on how to proceed would be very welcome. Thank-you everyone.
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He will "get this all
He will "get this all resolved in January"? HAHAHAHA.
Oh, after 4 years of bs suddenly it will poof be resolved?
The only "resolved" this can be is he lets go. Another man is legally the father. Your bf sends money and has no rights. He is bm's money tree and lap dog. And it will always be that way.
Leave before he gets back. Ghost him. Be happy. Be FIRST.
Wishy-washy comes to mind.
Wishy-washy comes to mind. And lazy. And very foolish. Has paternity been established with SD? He may know deep down he won't get custody because the child is not his.
If you want to stay with him -IF- tell him you are not picking him up and he needs to quarantine for two weeks. AND establish paternity. If he's not the father, he's paying "BM" for all the wrong reasons.
This man sounds like he is going through life as a very weak bystander who needs someone to tell him what to do. *unknw*
We did a 23 and me test. It
We did a 23 and me test. It showed he is her biological father. He is going to quarantine for a week, get tested and continue to quarantine until another test comes back.
23 and Me isn't a paternity
23 and Me isn't a paternity test and shouldn't be relied on as one.
It is absolutely pointless
It is absolutely pointless and useless to do a paternity test that hasn't been court-ordered/court-approved because it will simply not be accepted by the court. Tell him to save his money and go and talk to a lawyer instead.
The pandemic has been ongoing
The pandemic has been ongoing for almost a year now. Do you expect him to not visit his daughter the entire time you're pregnant?? Seems you are prioritized most of the time. Part of choosing to have kids with a man who already has kids is realizing you and his second kids can't and won't be prioritized all the time. Why would you even want your kids to have the type of father who abandons them the second a new woman comes along??
I understand where you're
I understand where you're coming from, I initially had similar thoughts. He however did not come into my life and I expected him to abandon his child for me. He initially told me he had no kids, he had moved 1000 miles away from sd and had very limited contact with her. I encouraged him to try and get custody, to file for paternity and improve that relationship. He would not do those things, the hcbm continues to threaten him for more and more money and having more and more children with other men. I honestly do not think it is possible for him to get paternity established at this point. That is why I was pushing for him to talk to an attorney in sd home state. It has been 2 years of me encouraging him and I'm done but I deserve to feel safe in my family and in my home. I cannot do that with hcbm threatening and my husband having no legal rights to a child in our home. I will not put my safety and job at risk because both hcbm and h haven't followed through on getting everything set up for sd through the court.
There is a pandemic, why risk
There is a pandemic, why risk the health and safety of your wife, unborn baby and others in the community.
"Second kids?" This is a
"Second kids?" This is a child he had through an affair with a woman who was married to someone else, and he does not and has never had any legal rights to, and it sounds like he may have not even established paternity. So yeah, OP should be prioritized as his wife, who is pregnant, unless he wants to be part-time biodad x 2 paying child support to yet another BM.
You are correct, he has not
You are correct, he has not established paternity. The legal father is the exhusband because sd was born while they were still married. I do think my husband has an obligation to this child. I think he needs to continue paying child support. He had tried to convince bm to not keep the baby a few weeks after he found out and to wait until they had a stronger relationship. She of course got angry and threatened him and refused. Which is her right but given the fact that she willfully deceived my h into this situation it makes it pretty intensely messed up.
If he didn't pay child
If he didn't pay child support would it force the issue of his right to custody?
I agree with this. I would
I agree with this. I would set up an account specifically for the child and pay the money he would have paid the BM into this. Not pay BM another penny until everything is done legally through the courts. Then hand over the money that was put aside.
Well, I've shared my opinion
Well, I've shared my opinion on this - your DH needs to walk away from this kid. He will never get even recognition as the father unless BM wants it, and her husband wants it. At this point, he's just allowing BM to use the child to get money from him.
The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to walk away. At the very least, he needs to stop giving her money, why does he do this? He feels an obligation to support a child that is not legally his? No - he knows that BM is going to cut him off from the kid the minute he stops being an ATM for her.
And now you are stuck in this situation, sorry. Your DH is delusional and I couldn't live with that. He thinks he's going to get full custody of a child that is not even recognized legally as his? That's just ridiculous.
" he kept promising he would
" he kept promising he would get this all resolved in January"
Does he believe in magic, or what?
"he won't even do a free consult or email a lawyers office"
So how does he think anything will change? Good grief, he hasn't even had a paternity test done to at least get the ball rolling. He is being used by the bm. Does he think it's right or normal to have to pay to see his child?
And he dreams of having the
And he dreams of having the child full-time and raising her with the OP, like *poof*, BM has disappeared. The delusion on this guy is strong.
I get that he's afraid of losing this child, but magical thinking won't help.
This is so crazy. Your DH
This is so crazy. Your DH should absolutely not be paying child support. He is essentially paying for a kid he unwillingly adopted out to someone else, and since BM is divorced from SD's legal father, she most likely has a custody agreement with and gets child support from him.
Your DH is actually not responsible in this case (and I support child support). If he stopped paying, BM would be forced to admit money is the only reason she allowed him in SD's life, or allow him to establish paternity. As it stands, if BM died tomorrow, her ex husband would get custody of SD and I doubt he'd let DH see her at all.
To answer your question. I do think he's being unreasonable and unfair to you and SD. This must be such a confusing situation for her. But, he's putting her and whoever she comes in contact with (her family, friends, teachers) at risk. He is also putting you and your baby at risk. If you guys are staying home otherwise, and COVID isn't just the excuse for him to not visit, he should absolutely not visit.
He should evaluate what he wants and what is realistic in his relationship with SD and take time to figure that out. And stop paying child support.
In essence, all your DH has
In essence, all your DH has been doing is donating $500 a month to BM for the past 4 or so years. Pretty sweet deal for her. I can't see where BM's threats to go after more money have any legal merit. She was getting a monetary gift. Nothing in the law says the gift giver has to continue indefinitely.
I'm with tog and the others. Your DH needs to walk away from this manure matinee.
At this point.. every penny
At this point.. every penny he has given to this woman could be considered a gift.. and if it is established that he is the father in court.. they could actually assess BACK child support for all of the prior years.. oh.. and custody? if he has had minimal contact with the child to date.. the court is highly unlikely to give him much custody time at all.. if any. I mean, he literally could end up with a hefty child support payment and zero actual time with the child!!!
At this point, he needs legal advice.. whether he pursues custody or not.. he needs to get this resolved so that your household doesn't have a huge black cloud of impending doom over it. He may well discover that at this point that BM can't force him to pay any longer.. .that the child's legal parents may not end up including him.. and he will have no obligation. But.. he needs to understand this. It's not like a child that came out of the woodwork 5 years later really.. it sounds like he has been well aware of the child for years. But if the woman has been raising the child as if she is the child of the other man.. and that man has been supporting the child.. ??? it is a mess that needs to be tied up.
Unfortunately, your "walk away" card has been complicated by you now being pregnant.. but.. that doesn't mean he can't be a father to your child.. but I would be thinking hard on continuing a relationship with someone who operates with his head in the sand.