Do Any of You Go On Separate Vacations With Adult Bio Kids Without Childless Spouse?
Hi. I am just curious if any of you go on vacations with your adult children without your spouse who has no children? My marriage is already strained because the adult SKs and I don't get along. My spouse says I bring drama & judgment causing them to walk on eggshells, which is why they don't want to be around me even on joint vacations or outtings. I say, they get away with disrespect, which is never called out towards me but I am told they give me what I give them. Also, I tell her that she treates like babies as she still washes their clothes, pays their bills and cleans after them. She says she washes & cleans for me too and I remind her that we're married and my contribution is paying all the house bills.
My spouse even said she thought about bringing one of her female co-workers to join them but did not invite me. We initially talked about this vacation being for all four but the SKs decided not to. My spouse told my Mom once that "marry people should not spend a night apart" a reference to my ex-wife doing that constantly. I almost wrecked after a cousin's funeral driving too tired to honor that request & it caused an argument that I decided not to continue driving back home hours away. They're in another side of the country on this trip that I never got the details on. Am I overreacting or do other blended families take vacations without the step parent?
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I'd be okay if my DH took a
I'd be okay if my DH took a vacation with his son alone, BUT, that's not really your issue. Your issue is that your wife excludes you, allows her kids to treat you poorly, and then blames you for her kids' poor behavior - even though she's created entitlement monsters by doing everything for them.
Thanks.
Thanks. Great summary. I think this is all weird.
Sometimes?
I agree that I would not be comfortable with a grown SK having keys to my house. I'd suggest making that a real boundary. It's YOUR HOME, and you get to say who's allowed there and/or at least get a heads up.
As far as the vacations go, I can hear your hurt feelings/sense of unfairness in this: "they never come to events for me because they don't have the time but can make time for this in a few days notice." If they suck and don't come, GOOD. From your other comments it sounds like it's not even that you want them there, it just stings because it's so evident by this choice that they're not willing to make time for you.
And me and DH do take separate vacations...even with younger skids. We do something as a blended unit, something with our bios, and something as a couple. This is often something low stakes like camping, not a trip to Disney or something, but trying to make time to let each dynamic have a fun thing. But we talk about it! Did your spouse directly say you weren't invited? I wasn't sure if the eggshells thing was general or about the trip. I'd say ask what's up and, if you are okay with it, say that's cool, enjoy your kids and time away, but also, I'd love to plan something special for just us. While I don't mind at all the DH gone with the skids (peace and quiet! YES!), it would bug me if they had some huge, fancy vacation and my spouse didn't want to do something special with me, too.
Thanks.
Thanks. Yes, the oldest SK comes unannounced. I was told they don't speak or even announce they're leaving because I'm upstairs and they don't know if I'm sleep or not.
Yes, I was told I am uninvited and to take this time and spend with my family. It is a huge trip - across the country. One we were supposed take together over a year ago but the SKs could not find the time despite it being for one of their birthdays.
I have decided to go hang out at some lounges I have been meaning to check out. I am excited to meet other people and think this will be it for me. I don't see any dynamics changing for the better after this.
I wouldn't mind if DH took a
I wouldn't mind if DH took a vacation with his kids without me. I'd probably prefer it. And I generally get along with them, certainly no disrespect and drama like you're experiencing.
I did suggest a vacation with the skids once. I had something particular in mind, AND I was going to pay for it. By the time SD and DH finished discussing it, the vacation turned into somewhere I didn't want to go doing things I didn't want to do. So, nope, count me out. It didn't ever take place, and I've never suggested vacationing together again.
I would also LOVE a vacation with just my bio. My DH would not be opposed to that, I'm sure.
But your issue is not really about a vacation, is it? As long as your wife allows their poor behavior, there isn't much you can do about it unless it directly affects you, your time, or your money. Disengage from it all and stop giving them space in your head. If your wife is using joint funds to pay their bills and take them on vacation, then that IS an issue, unless you're quite wealthy, have no credit card or other debt, and have your retirement fully funded.
Thanks.
Thanks. Our money is separate but I pay for the house, utilities, vacations & meals. She pays for household items, clothes, her car, the younger SK's bills, some of the older SK's bills & things like this vacation, which I just found they're leaving for tonight.
In other words, you pay for
In other words, you pay for all of the necessary, common-good stuff and she pays for herself and the kids. Nice gig she has going there. Whose name is on the lease/deed?
Get the locks changed tomorrow morning.
Thanks.
The lease is in my name solely. Since she said I bring drama, judgment & have them walking on eggshells, I have blocked her phone and removed her from FB. I didn't even kiss/hug her goodbye or answer her second call when they took off on the flight. This way, we will not have any communication during or about their trip given that I was not privy to its details or invited. It is very suspect to me because she once told my Mom "married people should never spend a night apart." I almost wreck trying to honor that request by returning home after driving hours to one of my first cousin's funeral a year ago who had suddenly passed & spending time with family, including with a great uncle who passed this year from COVID-19. So, I am glad I saw him because that was the last time. I am far from perfect but to leave without discussing details & not invite me have been eye-openers. I called her & found out they had made it to the airport & I inquired when they were returning. She said Saturday so I have some time to think about my next steps, including changing the lock & security alarm codes. Just last week, we got into it and talked about divorcing.
I would have a problem with
I would have a problem with this. As a wife and mother, I would not take my kids on vacation without my husband I know that my husband would never leave me behind- UNLESS it was something that we were specifically not interested in doing. But even then I don't think we would plan a trip to do just that thing and would make sure that we were thinking of each others needs and wants.
My husband and I both wholeheartedly believe that if we are both putting each other 1st and always intentional in our actions and words to prioritize our marriage we will both be happy and our marriage will remain strong. We both had previous marriages where there was too much pride and selfishness. We refuse to allow that to happen again. We are a team.
You wife doesn't seem to view you as her partner. I am so sorry you are going through all this but I promise you will come out the other side a stronger and happier person.
Especially when the trip was
Especially when the trip was originally for all four of them until the kids decided they didn't want him there. And, personally, I felt it added insult to injury when his wife said she was even thinking of taking a co-worker with them since he was uninvited.
Thanks.
Yes, it is not right how this was originally planned for the four of us but became the three of them & you're right the co-worker comment was an additional insult. I know I have to look out for & start protecting me now.
Thanks.
I appreciate your response and sympathy. My wife has always said her kids come first and I should have taken heed. I deserve better & am going to stop accepting less. I see now that they don't respect me because she doesn't.