Gaslighting antidote
So many times, those of us married to people with offspring from previous marriages feel discounted, disrespected, and discouraged. It's made worse because although we know we are being challenged, it is so difficult to break down exactly how the bothersome messages are conveyed. A lot of the time, our perceptions are based not on shouting and outright physical attacks--although sadly those happen too--but on little things. Tiny gestures, micro expressions, nearly invisible body language are all ways of saying "I hate you" that only very close observers (and targets) catch. We targets often are not fully aware of what we are responding to, and because we are not able to convey exactly what is distressing us, our complaints are ignored or even mocked. I know that I often begin to feel a bit crazy when I'm trying to figure out what's so crappy about SS's behavior, let alone explain it to DH. And guess what happens next.
Well, take heart, my gaslighted friends. There is a group posting videos on You Tube who make it their business to explain the minutiae of body language to us civilians. They call themselves The Behavior Panel, and all are serious worlld-class body language experts. One used to be a military interrogator, one advises top international corporations--you get the picture. They haven't had the pleasure of observing any of our SDs or SSs (that I can tell) but they give engaging analyses of recent video recordings of a number of public figures. Prince Andrew cannot flare a nostril and Donald Trump cannot twitch a thumb without attracting their notice and analysis.
They get way down into the weeds. Their work is very interesting, their videos enjoyable to watch. Best of all, their work will give you great comfort next time your SD slams the refrigerator door and stomps out of the room. Did DH/DW notice? Was there anything to notice in the first place? You will know for sure that you are not losing your marbles but that you are in fact seeing a mini-tantrum. And knowing is the first step, right?
You are absolutely 100% right ...
... when you point out that "You don't need to justify your feelings and thoughts by citing expert body language analysis."
I apologize abjectly if I gave any impression to the contrary. You have a right to your thoughts and reactions, and equally you have a right to share them with anyone or no one for any reason or no reason at all. You have a right for your thoughts and feelings to be taken seriously. Again, I do not wish to convey anything else, and if I have done so it was not intentional and I am very sorry.
However, and I may be odd in this way, I find it immensely comforting to know that I am not making sh!t up when I read behavior. This knowledge is particularly valuable when someone is trying to gaslight you, as so often happens in relationships and particularlly those that involve steps.
By all means, keep your knowledge to yourself if that works for you, as it often does for me. But I would advise making sure that you have this knowledge. Then you can make an informed decision what to do with it.
Life is too short to be
Life is too short to be dealing with all of this. Is being in a subpar relatonship really that important to you? Is it worth all of the sarcrifices? Is it worth revolving your life around someone else's children who secretly (or not so secretly) hate you? No matter how nice you are to them? I say F that. It is better to be single and have friends, hobbies, a career, dreams, etc.
I whole heartedly agree! And
I whole heartedly agree! And in fact, am choosing to remain single!
Good on ya!
Your solution of singlehood is likely the best one. However, I am guessing that, until we as a species and women in particular come up with truly satisfactory solutions to the problems of reproductive rights, domestic violence, maternity leave, child care, equal pay, universal suffrage, sexual harassment, sexual violence, female genital mutilation, child marriage, the glass ceiling, and our often uncomfortable but seemingly inescapable need for close relationships with other human beings, most women are going to try to form partnerships with men.
So the question is how best to do this.
History has evolved the
History has evolved the characteristics of quality relationships no less than it has gender roles, etc... within the plethora of various human cultures.
The beauty of being human is the ability to choose something different and create something different and better for ourselves.
We will never homogenize humanity. I am not sure we should. Differences in cultures, etc... are what creates beauty in our human condition. While I do not support genital mutilation, subjugating women to men, or unearned advantages for anyone, I also am a firm believer in self determination and accountability for one's own outcome.
There are enough variables in each person's choices that there will always be differences. We cannot force homogeneity if we protect the rights of the individual to make their own choices. The best we can do, IMHO, is to create and protect the environment where each individual can reap the results of their choices and efforts and adjust as they learn what works and what does not work.
Good or bad.
Agree completely ...
... when you say that "We will never homogenize humanity."
While the (long, partial) ist of problems I mentioned certainly display human society's diversity, I don't think they're anything for any society to be particularly proud of or manifestations of differences to be nurtured and celebrated. I think they're symptoms of misogyny. They deserve scorn.
But no need to worry--misogynistic societal quirks aren't going to wither away! A cursory familiarity with animal ethology will assure you of that. My personal opinion is that the best we can hope for is A Midwife's Tale Lite. I suspect we are living through that now, and those of us who can should enjoy it while it lasts.
The question, again, is how best to function within the limits nature itself appears to have established. The widespread disdain for and mistreatment of stepmothers/second-third-fourth wives is only one sign that we have a liltle ways to go yet.
We will always have a way to
We will always have a way to go as we evolve societally. I tend to be an optimist though. Continual improvement is something to celebrate even when we are far from what and where we could be.
Having been in a nighmare relationship myself, I make it a point to be a far better man and DH than I was earlier in my life though I was all in on my first marriage. I am fortunate to have a true life partner in my marriage to my incredible DW.
As far as cultural limitations for women, an interesting element I experienced during my long experiences in the Middle East... there are a large number of strong marriages between equity life partners where privately the relationships are strong and respectful. Those folks work hard to " navigate the social sensitivities that are present in that culture. The men in those marriages strongly support their wifes publically. A good friend of my DW's was one who refused to cover her hair and face. Being with her when she laid into the unrelated men who would try to confront her about it was something to see. She would play the social norms against them very well lambasting them for speaking to a woman they were not related to. Watching the men cringe and flee from a 4'9" 95Lb tiny Saudi lady Zoomba instructor was a great pleasure to see. Socializing with those couples was always very interesting. Having grown up there and lived and worked there for many many years the vitriol they vented regarding their own country and culture was always very uncomfortable for me. I have a great love for the people and many aspects of their culture. When it would dawn on them that I was surprised at their criticisms of their culture and country their reaction was almost universal. They almost universally said that living in the Middle East was far more dificult for Middle Easterners than it was for Expats. Even though our life styles were extremely similar the societal difficulties were far less cumbersome for Expats, both men and women, than they are for natives of both genders.
That is probably one of my most clear epiphanies on priveledge.
Sadly it was much more difficult for their kids than for the adults. It was not unusual for the parents to get a call from the police to come get their kids who were out in public with classmates of the opposit sex that they were not related to.
They were all counting the days before retirement so that they could move to their homes in the US, Europe, Australia or New Zeland. They were proudly Saudi, or Qatari, Kuwaiti, or Emirati but they also had had enough of the demands of living in their own countries and cultures.
Yes, we have improvements to make, however, we also are a beacon for much of the world. An environment where people can live as they choose while benefiting from their own efforts is a good thing. Even when we have problems that we need to work on. Mysogony is present but comparitively light here compared to cultures where it is a driving tennant. Which is the case in much of Africa and large parts of Asia. I am sure it is also the case in other regions though my personal experience is limited to what I have experienced living in parts of Asia and Africa in addition to Wester Europe and the US.
SM's certainly inhabbit a part of our society that is a difficult one. Why so many men fail to celebrate their bride after living a nighmare is beyond me. I think my own experiences allow me to recognize the importance of striving to have an equity partnership with my wife. That and I was fortunate to have a dad who loves his wife, honors her, and demands nothing less from his sons. So, we honor our mom and our own wives (One each... at least one at a time.... in my case).
And we like dad too.
Rags you said "SM's certainly
Rags you said "SM's certainly inhabbit a part of our society that is a difficult one. Why so many men fail to celebrate their bride after living a nighmare is beyond me." I couldn't agree with you more. Some SM are willing to give the man and his kids a chance only to be treated like trash. The truth is a lot of these men like the ones mostly talked about on this board are just baggage that a woman doesn't need. I bet alot of women who get involved with these men think the men would be glad to have a quality significant other. However, it seems like they are incapable of truly loving and caring about that type of woman so instead drag her down in the mud. I generally think these men are unhappy because they know they made a mess of their own lives and so have no problem letting their mess infect their new woman's life. Who knows, maybe they miss the HCBM's drama because it's their normal. Whatever the reason, it really is an unfortunate situation for the women involved.
It can be difficult to let
It can be difficult to let the drama go even after the relationship is over.
I struggled with that very thing once we no longer were in the seemingly constant battles with my SS's SpermClan.