I could just pull my hair out!
Today SD14 calls me from school at 10 after 3 to ask if she can go hang out at the mall with her friends. The bus has already come and gone and she knows that this is not something that DH and I would normally let her do last minute. She has no cell phone with her, she is calling me from the school office. I am at home, both my little ones are in bed napping, and I am in the middle of a mountain of homework. I am extremely irritated by all of this and tell her absolutely not and that I will be there immediately to pick her up. Of course she is pissed and gets mad at me, like I'm the evil stepmother and I'm just being a B. DH told her he would have said no, too, and that she had better not pull that kind of stunt again. We shall see. This is not the first time she has done something like that and I am sure it will not be the last.
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She's testing you. Just
She's testing you. Just stand strong - youre not an evil stepmom, you are a responsible parent and there is nothing wrong with that.
I agree, she's testing you.
I agree, she's testing you. But here's the thing-
you said she's pulled this kind of thing before and expect that it will happen AGAIN.
Well, if you and DH do not set out consequences for it, then yes, it most likely WILL happen again.
With kids it's kinda like, "Fool me once, shame one you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Don't let her fool you twice.
You and DH need to set out clear rules so she can't do this to you again. Something like, "If you do change plans on us without ASKING us well in advance and getting permission from us FIRST, and we end up being inconvenienced because of it, then you will lose "X". (And take away whatever is MOST important to her, be it a call phone for 24 hours, or going out w/friends for a weekend, or an Ipod).
And since I'm a hard-ass, I'd give her a minor consequence for inconveniencing you today- that will SHOW her that you mean business! (DH always fought me on this first-time infraction stuff!)
There's a saying... It's
There's a saying... It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. I think she was figuring that you would be buried and too busy to say no or to pick her up. She lost her gamble.
But she does need some kind of consequences. This will go on. It's normal teenage behavior. But it does need some kind of reaction from you the next time, more than just a "talking to".
Since this isn't the first time, I think now4teens is right and that your SD needs some kind of minor consequence... making her give you a few bucks for the gas you had to spend to go get her. Or make her help with dishes or dinner since you had to take time out of your day to go get her.
But don't think of it as skid behavior... it's a pretty normal part of growing up! And hey... at least she's asking and telling you where she wants to be!
Good point, Stick! She could
Good point, Stick! She could be the type to just "disappear" for hours on end without calling and leave you guessing (and panicking) until she waltzes in the door like nothing happened! (Lord knows, some of us have dealt with that situation- step OR bio!)
I did tell DH that I thought
I did tell DH that I thought there should be some sort of consequence for what she did today, as this is the third time this has happend this school year, but he did not think it warranted anything more than a discussion with her about what will happen next time. My main concern is that she is constantly making poor decisions like this and one of these times it is going to get her in more trouble than she bargains for. She never thinks things through, which I understand is normal teenage behavior, but at some point she needs to start learning a lesson from it. DH seems to think that I have too high of expectations for her, but I think she should be required to live up to some kind of expectations and responsibilities or else she will never learn how to function as an adult. There is more going on with her than just this type of behavior, so that would probably shed more light on my frustration, but there is not enough time for me to put it all down. I'm just sick of being the one that feels she needs consequences and getting shot down by DH. It just makes me look like a hack of a parent, I think. I am thankful that she is at least, in some way, still keeping us in the loop, but I fear the day is coming when that is not the case anymore. What will DH do then? Smack her on the back of the hand and say don't do that again? Jeez...I just wish I had more say in the matter because it is always me that gets inconvenienced by this crap.
Red-Headed Stepmom... Ask
Red-Headed Stepmom... Ask your husband what's it going to take? Ask him how he taught his daughter easy lessons when she was young. For example, when she went to put her fingers in a socket, or by a socket, I am sure the first time or two was a very stern NO! And then eventually, pulling back of the hand, or a pat on the hand?
As his daughter grows, her testing of boundaries grows too. I can understand that your husband may not think that her behavior is that bad, and he may be a little defensive if he thinks you are blowing it out of proportion.
In my thoughts, what you guys need to do is come to a middle ground. Tell him that you are willing to possibly wait if he thinks you are reacting too quickly, but you want to know what she needs to do... how far does she have to push, before he'll react. That way you guys are on the same page, but it also gets him to think about where her behavior is taking her. Okay, so she lied about the bus and tried to manipulate to get to go to the mall. Not a life threatening huge deal. Unless she got away with it, and the next time she lies, it could be about who she is with. And THAT could be life threatening. Or where she is going. Or that she misses the bus on purpose and no one can get her and she is stuck at school. Try to get him to realize that, yes, in the big scheme of things, what she did isn't the end of the world. But unchecked, it could get so much worse. You may want to bring up the 3 things that she did like this - if they are progressive.
I just know that with DH over here.... I had to sometimes let him know my feelings and then back off. And then the next time it happened, bring it up again.. and then finally just ask.... how far can she take this before you will react?
I hope this helps!!
Thanks Stick. This does help
Thanks Stick. This does help give me a place to start and some ideas of things to tell him that concern me. We are a military family living overseas, so part of my problem is that she will get herself into trouble that will affect DH like she has before. She cost him a promotion about 8 months ago by doing the same type of deceitful crap. I think I will bring that up to him again and see what he says. It's not that I mind her wanting to go hang out at the mall with her friends. It's that she didn't have her cell phone on her so we could get ahold of her if we needed to, and that just expected to be able to call and me drop any plans I had for the afternoon so she could goof off with her friends. If she would make arrangements with us in advance so that we know what she is planning and can make adjustments to our schedule beforehand it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I just think she is very disrespectful and selfish, especially when it comes to dealing with me. I know that that is a teenager for you, but I do not think I should have to sit back and let her be that way towards me. So, thank you for the advice and I am definitely going to talk to him about it again tonight.
Thanks Katrinkie. I am a
Thanks Katrinkie. I am a very organized person, and lists and schedules fill my life. That's part of the reason why things popping up at the last minute and making me have to shuffle things around really annoy me. My two little ones are slaves to routine because of me. If something is too out of routine, they have issues just like me. Poor kids. I've cursed them for life I think...haha! Anyway, DH and SD are total opposites. They are "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of people. Normally, SD would have called DH with this kind of thing, but since she didn't have her cell phone and only knows our home number by heart, she had no choice but to call me. I couldn't get ahold of DH to go and pick her up because he was teaching a class at the time, so it was up to me to make the decision on my own. I try to implement plans with DH and SD and say this is what is going on this week, let me know if something changes, but it always seems to go in one ear and out the other. I even have planners and calendars set up for them to write things on. We have a white board calendar in the kitchen that is my lifeline. Everything that happens throughout the month is on that calendar so everyone can see it and make changes or additions if needed. I'm really the only one that uses it. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with them sometimes, really more with SD than DH. Thank you for the advice, though, Katrinkie, I will try to approach the way you suggested and see if that makes it any better.
I agree!
I agree!