Opinions regarding SS13 change in behavior and lying
SS13 for years has been saying he wants to live with DH full time and hates BM. SS13 for years would come over telling us that BM favors her step kids over him. SS13 would make "fat jokes" about BM.
Well about two months ago SS13 and DH had a Argument and out of the blue SS13 started screaming/crying that he really LOVES BM and has been lying all those years about hating her and making stuff up about her. Oh and that BM is better to him than DH.
Both DH and I were totally taken back as this was not the first Argument SS and DH had and SS never said this before. We basically just blew it off thinking SS just said those things as he was pissed at DH.
Within hours SS was back to his normal Clingy Neediness all over DH. The ONLY difference is SS Totally stop cold turkey saying anything negative about BM. No more coming over saying BM did this on that. Just the other day DH asked SS if he still wanted to come live with us most of the time and SS's Answer was I don't know. This floored us as SS was the one pushing to get him more time for YEARS.
So my question is WTF happened? SS is STILL clingy as hell and up DH ass 24/7 so SS is not still Angry over the Argument two months ago. How and why would a kid make up YEARS of lies about BM?? How and why would SS just decided one day ok I'm going to flip the F out over what I've been saying and then stop cold turkey???
So ....for YEARS your husband
So ....for YEARS your husband engaged in alienation tactics with his kid, allowing him to be disrespectful to his mom. What happened? The kid grew older, matured and realized that was wrong. He was only talking shit about his mom to make his dad happy. He flipped out because he was tired of playing dad's games. He returned to a stage 10 clinger because he was worried his true feelings would dissappoint his father. Sick, right?
Your husband should have NEVER allowed that nonsense in the first place. He shouldn't be pressuring the kid to choose between his mom or his dad. He has done incredible damage to his kid and have fun with that once he's 17/18...
sadly this is probably
sadly this is probably exactly on point.
Yeah, I have to agree that DH
Yeah, I have to agree that DH should never have been tolerating SS talking about hating BM and making fat jokes about her, or talking about how he could someday live with you all the time. If he genuinely thought SS hated his mother, did he ever seek help for him to resolve those feelings? Did it occur to him that it might not be healthy for a boy to hate his mother like that, and that it might not really be his real feelings?
Good for SS for being willing to bring up his real feelings about his mother.
Giving a kid facts, teaching
Giving a kid facts, teaching them reality about a toxic parent, etc.... must be tempered with clear requirements to refer to and interface with even a toxic PASing parent with appropriate respect.
That was something that I always required of my SS when he was struggling with his toxic Spermidiot and the rest of the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool. My DW nor I ever bad mouthed them in the presence of SS and when we figured out that even 2yos can pick up on conversations we thought were out of his ear shot we just stopped any derogatory references regarding his SpermClan except when he was on visitation or we were completely away from SS.
Even now when he discusses them I will call him on speaking of them using anything but respectful language. I let him run with describing the problem but I do not let him call them names, etc.... I reserve that privilege for myself and only here on STalk.
Acknowledging the bad
Acknowledging the bad behavior as being bad.. is certainly one thing.. it's another thing to allow the child to think that mocking someone for their appearance or intelligence is acceptable.
While it might have been internally making you chuckle to hear him talk about his "fat mother".. clearly he should not be talking like that about anyone.
Interestingly, physical
Interestingly, physical traits have not been a particularly significant thing in our blended family lexicon. It has nearly exclusively been about quality of decision and performance.
I have referred to my BIL1's wife as the "bovine bride" which has been a reference to both her behavior and her corpulence. As her behaviors have moderated, I do not find myself thinking of her with the historical frustrations. As she has matured she has become a very good parent. Which is shocking considering her historic crap, but even I can temper my perspective when someone makes notable improvement in their performance.
My chuckles regarding SS's comments about his SPermidiot and the SpermClan have been about SS's colorful descriptions and vents about the drug use, serial out of wedlock spawning, serial statutory rape, gangbanger idiocy, and most frequently and recently, his idiot BioDad's dope head antics and stoned, zoned out musings on being a quality person.
Yes I agree DH should have stopped SS from making fun of BM
But DH allows SS to be rude and Disrespectful to me so highly unlikely he would stand up for BM. I Disengaged from SS13 now but was watching this all unfold this odd behavior for SS regarding BM.
I agree DH allowed this from SS also as DH hates BM and probably gets some joy in thinking he's the favorite parent or at least DH thinks he is. Honestly I knew SS was lying about hating BM and such but DH really believed it.
I agree the reason SS is so clingy needy for "daddy" is Insecurity. SS is not like this with BM as I think he's more Secure with her.
This is why
Us steppers are always complaining, er commenting on how hard it is to bite our tongues with our skids. I also try not to feed into Munchkins dislike of her sister feral forger. I certainly dont say anything negative about BM, Toxic Troll. DH doesnt either. And when I have to rant about her, he gets upset. He sais that it reflects on me negatively.
SO, yes, your SS was conflicted because he loves BOTH his parents. The loyalty binds are very strong. Your DH can alleviate some of this with open and honest communication, and just let him know that its ok to love his mother (gag), that you are all looking out for his best interests, not matter where he decides to live full time (well some of you...).
Hes 13. Tough age.
Absolutely. The more
Absolutely. The more difficult problem comes when addressing criminal behavior, etc... on one side or the other. Giving the kid permission to love the other parent should happen. But kids also need to be given a clear understanding of what crime is and how it is wrong... PERIOD!
If it unfolds over time that one parent or the other is a criminal, the kid needs the facts and also needs to be supported through the process of gaining understanding that one or the other of the parents that they love is also a criminal and what they are doing or have done is wrong. A tough process to manage through while raising a kid in a blended family model of childhood to love and respect both parents, potentially with SParents and to comprehend the concepts of right, wrong, illegal and legal.