Panic Attacks when Stepdaughter comes
I found out today my 17 year old stepdaughter will be coming some time this summer for at least a couple of weeks probably. When I found out my heart started pounding, almost couldn't breath, etc. like a full blown panic attack. On top of this I become very angry because of how I feel I've been treated in the past while she's here. I feel ignored, neglected, disrespected, and the last time she was here in March my husband ignored me for days because I became emotional and did not hang out as much as was wanted. By the time she left divorce had come up. I love my husband more than anything but I cannot figure out how to stay calm when she comes. I just don't want to be around and I don't want it to destroy our marriage. I'm angry that I'm the only one having to sacrifice anything because I don't have children. How do you cope? I'm going to see my doctor to find out if I can get a xanax prescription for when she's here. My marriage is one of the best things in my life and I don't want this to cause me to damage it beyond repair.
What does she do?
I know that feeling. What does she do that bothers you? Is it her actions/attitude, or is it your husband's actions/attitude? Also, what is her visitation svhedule? And, what are her future plans?
I don't trust her. I know it
I don't trust her. I know it sounds bad but her mother who is raising has raised her, my husband hardly sees her as she and her mother live out of state, has lied about things as has my stepdaughter, minor things bit still a lie. I feel as though I'm being watched and judged and spied on. I also feel as though I'm no longer important to my husband when she's around. I think it's a lot of typical stepparenting feelings but for some reason my emotions are out of control. My husband doesn't ask for my input on when she comes, there's no set visitation schedule. In the past he hasn't told me she's coming until she's here so I have resentment and anger and distrust over that. He stays up late with her while I'm in bed. I just feel all around majorly neglected and shoved to the side while she's here and it scares me. If he shoves me to the side for her, would he chose her over me if it came down to it? Another major issue is I don't have any children. My husband and I have been trying for 4 years and it hasn't happened. I carry a ton of pain, jealousy, anger, resentment over the fact he has a child and I don't. It's almost unbearable at times. I don't know her future plans and I'm afraid to ask because I don't want her moving too close when she goes to college. On top of all that, I feel like a horrible person for having these feelings.
Is your DH covertly or not so
Is your DH covertly or not so covertly implying you have to kiss his daughter's butt or else? When she comes, does he treat her more like the wife and you more like the daughter? He lets her do whatever she wants, while you are givin the burden of getting along with her or else? From your perspective, it appears she can control and manipulate her father, while it seems you can't do anything right? He acts like his daughter is AT LEAST your equal, if not your superior, whenever she is around?
If yes to any and all, it appears your DH has either on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose set you, his wife, and his daughter up for direct competition, for the #1 woman spot next to the man in the household. Did divorce really come up just because you weren't kissing both of their butts enough? Manipulative, controlling BM or SK and weaker, enabling DH = step hell. And, I'm just guessing here, but you could also be dealing with the dreaded Mini Wife or DaughterWife, meaning whenever daughter is around, your DH will get his wife needs, other than sexual, met by his daughter, while you are to suppy the one thing his daughter cannot, sex, and at the same time, be happy and satisified with your now #2 woman/ wife spot. So, the pecking order, which your DH set up, becomes DH (1st), daughter (2nd), and you (unless there are any other kids or pets around) #3. Of course you are also expected to cook and clean and perform other servant type duties for the both of them while the daughter graces you and your DH with her presence.
If all of the above applies, can you tell me again why your marriage is one of the best things in your life? And, whenever she is around, you will need a prescription for Xanax, because it is rare for this type of dad and daughter to think that there is anything wrong with their DaughterWife-Father type relationship. If anyone objects, no!, it's not them. They are just super close, and my God!, if SM dares to object, she is going to quickly be put in her place and made to scrub the floors. I'd see a couneslor, but not to get a prescription for Xanax. I'd see a counselor to get pass the gaslighting and blaming myself and have my eyes opened to what is really going on in my household, and to also gain some life balls to be able to stick up for myself now and in the future. jEveryone needs life balls, but SMs need the XL or XXL version, or else they'll just quickly wind up becoming little more than the initial family's be.atch.
I think that's it exactly. I
I think that's it exactly. I don't think he realizes he's doing it but it feels exactly like what you've described. Divorce came up because he doesn't feel as though I've made enough effort with her I think. The first summer she was here I felt like all I did was try to get to know her and be nice and welcoming to her. When she left he told me he fet I hadn't done enough and so, the anger and resentment grew. I don't want to sound weak, but I'm afraid if I say to much bad about his actions when she's here he'll leave me. When she's not in the picture my marriage is wonderful but when she is it feels like a twisted version of personal hell.
Information
Do you have information, like the amount of child support, the visitation schedule? I would think that would be on the CO. The reason I ask is, at 17, this might be a short-term issue. I'm not dismissing your concerns or the perceptive viewpoint idvilen gave you, just trying to put it in perspective.
I appreciate it. I truly hope
I appreciate it. I truly hope it's a short term issue I just worry if she moves closer to us to go to college it may get much worse.
This was me, I swear I have
This was me, I swear I have PTSD from all the crap my SD has done to me. I think letting go of the guilt and expectations that you have to do anything for her, from even greeting her when she comes into your home (my SD would give me dirty looks when I would greet her, now she gets silence). I pretty much try for no contact when she's here. I have my room, which I will happily sit naked in if I have to, to keep her out. I leave, take my car and go somewhere else if she's being particularly irritating. Luckily, my DH now totally gets me, he does everything and has zero expectations.
I think that's how I need to
I think that's how I need to be emotionally - just turn off and try not to feel the pressure of being a good stepmother. I don't know what else to do. The last time she was here she stayed in the bedroom and I felt like I was being avoided. She may not have been avoiding me that's just how I felt. I wonder why she wants to come for weeks if she stays locked up in the bedroom while she's here. She did come out when I went to bed. I'm also trying to remind myself I can't fix what I didn't break. I didn't choose to have a child with my husband's ex. I'm not her parent, I didn't divorce her mother, I shouldn't have to feel guilt because she's from a divorced family. I didn't do that. My parents are divorced and I've never been coddled the way I feel she is by my husband. The only thing is, when I do try to keep my distance while she's here my hisband gets upset because I don't fawn all over her like he does. So I feel he gets angry with me then I get more angry that I'm expected to dote on her when the only thing I get is emotional pain and sadness and grief.
Exactly: “I shouldn't have to
Exactly: “I shouldn't have to feel guilty because she's from a divorced family.” OP, I still think you need to see a counselor for YOURSELF. A counselor can at least help you to stand up to your DH and tell him some of these same things that you’ve been telling us.
I think all SMs with the manipulative, controlling BM or SK and weaker, enabling DH scenario wind up with chronic PTSD at some point. The main thing is to get help for yourself.
This is not your fault, but
This is not your fault, but only you can fix it.
If DH played the D card.... go get a killer attorney, have the papers drawn up, and if he plays it again hand him the papers and tell him he will never manipulate you again with that threat. This guy is supposed to be your husband, He is far from being one that is worth a crap. He preys on your anxieties and does not put you or your marriage first.
Find someone who will and who works with you rather than antagonizes you.
Good luck.
I'm starting to wonder if it
I'm starting to wonder if it's possible to have a true marriage with someone who has children with another woman. I'm 40 now and I think most men have at least one child with someone else and I don't want to go through the same thing with someone else. I know only I can fix it - I keep thinking if I could just start wanting her around, be more sympathetic to him, get past my insecurities, etc. things would be better. The sad thing to me is I truly feel like I have a wonderful marriage except this one thing. And this one thing feels like crap. When she's here or I know she's coming I do question if it's worth it and sometimes wish I knew what him have a daughter entailed on the first date. I don't know if I would have gone on a second date. But I did and now I love him deeply. So far I tell myself he's worth the pain of it and I feel he is but when she's here I forget whether or not it's worth it.
This is another bingo!
This is another bingo! statement: “I'm starting to wonder if it's possible to have a true marriage with someone who has children with another woman.” After being on Steptalk for 5+ years and being married to my DH for 20 years, I find myself believing the same. I’m a bioless SP too.
If you look at the current state of our culture, between daddy guilt (divorce, no matter what, is still largely considered the dad’s fault and that is even if BM cheated), an ever increasing child-centric society, a total lack of most people’s understanding of SMs (they are still largely seen as Evil, just by virtue of marrying a dad), marriage being seen as not the big of a deal, BM always being seen as saints regardless (a drug-addicted ho of a BM will be viewed more kindly than a ½-way decent SM), society’s insistence that divorced parents have to act all friendly-lovey with each other the divorce for “the kids’ sake”, and much, much more. Yes, I totally agree: It is virtually impossible nowadays to have a true marriage with someone who has children with another woman.
ETA: You don't necessarily have to leave your DH over this, but you do need to learn how to stick up for yourself; otherwise, you will find yourself, again, feeling like little more than the initial family's be.atch whenever she is around. Please see a counselor. And never, ever think in this these type of situations, only you can fix it. Your DH set you up for this. You can't fix arrogance.
Where does his responsibility
Where does his responsibility to be your husband come into this? You repeatedly say YOU have to do something. YOU have to want her around, YOU have to be more sympathetic to him.
He is the one with the external relationship that is invasive to your marriage. Quit taking his crap onto your shoulders and make it perfectly clear that he WILL step up and be YOUR husband rather than you being his afterthought.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
100% Understand!
OMG I completely feel the same way about my SD. Your three comments hit home -
"I feel ignored, neglected, disrespected.."
"I feel as though I'm being watched and judged and spied on. I also feel as though I'm no longer important to my husband when she's around. I think it's a lot of typical stepparenting feelings but for some reason my emotions are out of control."
"The last time she was here she stayed in the bedroom and I felt like I was being avoided."
I wish I could tell you I've figured out a way to work through it but I haven't. It sounds like your SD is manipulative just like mine. I also agree with ldvilen about the Mini-Wife or DaughterWife. Its a real thing and, as you know, its horrible to be living through as the SM.
Hey, can you tell me what you
It always upsets us a little when the attention is not paid to us, especially if this attention was not paid to you. I had a similar situation when I had to put up with a person who I was not happy with , it was my niece, she made me lose my temper with all her presents. Not always an increased heart rate is a panic attack, but I had panic attacks and I decided to buy some Xanax, which helps to collect and cope with the experience and anxiety. I chose the good ones for myself https://losepain.com on the advice of my friend, who constantly has panic attacks. I can only advise you to get ready, and if you can not go to a doctor who will help you cope with the problem with the help of drugs.
My advice is begin self care
My advice is begin self care immediately. Plan lots of time with friends and doing activiities you enjoy. Plan some small trips away during the time SD is there. If you take the focus off of SD and put it on yourself you will feel better. Look at it this way it's a chance to be single for a little while. DH is predisposed, so you have all this time to yourself.
If DH has anything to say about it. Respond simply, "Your daughter isn't here to see me. I'm giving you space to spend time together."
I did this for a year with SO and still do it now. Guess what? SO learned he didn't like spending time with his own kids when I wasn't there as a distraction.