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Guide to be the perfect Stepmother

Ratilal2016's picture

Submitted by Ratilal2016 on Thu, 04/02/2020 - 9:22am

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General Discussion

Hello all! Here we are today to stop all this venting! We all know what is expected from us! Let´s make a simple guide and in case of any confusion just come here and read it again!

-  Role as a SM during holidays, special occasions and related:

You arrive at the party/event with your SO and skid(s)....everyone of his family just come and great the kids and spoil them and have all the kind of interaction that yourself can´t have with them althought all the time and sacrifice you spent with them till now.....you start feeling uncomfortable and out of place....and your SO (the person you are doing this effort) is giving attention to his family and enjoying having that family dynamic to his broken kids. If you ask for same attention and take the spotlight from skids and family you know you will start an argument...So....what to do dear SM?

First of all stop being so selfish and needy and not mature for this all situation. Who care´s if you are feeling alone, invisible and you don´t also know all the people so well. They are kids and you are making your SO happy for this family moments and he can prove to himself with you and the skids that everything is ok now and his family don´t have to worry. So just smile and try to interact with everyone even the skids because this a big moment for you. You have a family and a purpose in life now.....It´s very hard to find a decent man and he putting you with his family and skids shows he has good intentions! Remember that in two days it´s BM week and you will have your SO for yourself again! Just hold your emotions for 48hours.

- Role as a SM concerning time during week of custody of SK:

It´s SK week and as soon as they arrive your SO just don´t give you any attention and suddendly you have screams, tantrums, weird looks and demandings...and of course.....that disapponted look of your SO that in spite he was a normal boyfriend and give you attention during the non kids week....you´re still not happy and grabbing a Barbie and some pencils and playing charades to play with SK.

SM pleeeeeaseeeeeeee (rolling eyes) haven´t you just had your week?? Where you enjoyed having a boyfriend?? So......now it´s time to do the other part....you knew he was a father......and he is a present one that really means he is a very good person. You are lucky you know. Just cook some good meal and stay alone afterwards in the couch because he is going to sleep with them ...just try also to fall asleep in the couch because the skids are already too fragile with all the divorce and you in the bed probably will make them insecure that you will take their father away from there. Tomorrow is a big day ahead of you anyway...skids activities and bday parties and parks and as a good partner you are you have to have the all the package didn´t your SO take you to cinema and dinner last week? So....show some effort also!

To be continued.......

 

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 04/02/2020 - 12:10pm

Someone has a sense of humor!!!!!!

That would be you.

7. Dont forget that you will always come last, you must get used to the KIDS always being #1. and BM will be #2, because she gave him KIDS (see #1.) And if you think thats unfair, read the divorce agreement/custody agreement/child support agreement/parenting plan. Its not unfair to YOU, so, you need to back off, you arent the parent, you will just be required to "fill in" with no authority, just responsibility.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Thu, 04/02/2020 - 3:21pm

How to be a perfect stepmother: 

1) Ingratiate yourself to BM. Do whatever she wants. Let her make decisions for your household. She's a "mother" after all and she "knows what's best." If she insults you or your DH or tries to have a secret relationship with your DH, just accept it all with a smile. Don't you know that she's the real victim here?!

2) Allow your Skids to do whatever they want. Family decisions to be made? Let the Skids make it. Chores needing to be done around the house? Don't think about asking the Skids. Make sure you cater to them, pick up after them, keep them entertained, provide food and shelter for them, regardless of their age. Make sure you get the food they like and they have the best room in your home. SKids need money? Give it up without question. Don't expect anything in return. They are victims and their trauma makes it hard to appreciate the actions of others. 

3) Allow DH's family to meddle as much as they want. They are only looking out for the children after all and just like BM, "they know what's best." Also, you will never be considered part of the family. You are interloper and only trying to take attention away from the children. They have no choice, they have to protect those poor traumatized children (again, regardless of their age). They will always see BM as the "true wife" of  your DH. They will also feel that it's their job to "get involved" and "fix things" between your DH and BM and to "save" the poor children of divorce from the horrors of a broken home. 

4) Now, DH, don't expect him to be your husband all of the time. When SKids are around, he will likely be absent and unresponsive to you. You will be essentially single during that time. DH will likely forget to to important things for you and who can blame him, his precious kids are around. He will feel guilty over getting divorced and allow his kids to do whatever they want whenever they are in your home. He will also want to lavish them with gifts and outings, even if a large portion of his income is already going into BM's pocket. He will expect you to make up the difference. Also, he will want you to "love his children as if they are your own", even if they are "unlovable". You are a bad person if you dislike his children...even if they would be deemed unlikeable by all accounts. DH is a victim, too...he's just stuck in the middle. You need to see that and make sure your needs don't weigh on him. 

TL:dr The guide to being a perfect stepmom is to realize that you have no needs, you don't matter. You exist to make up for all the mistakes that DH and BM made. You also exist to be the scapegoat for all the mistakes DH and BM continue to make. 

ldvilen's picture

Submitted by ldvilen on Thu, 04/02/2020 - 3:52pm

Reminds me of the one about How to Survive a Nuclear Bomb.  It lays out all these detailed steps re: preparing a survival kit, proper shelter, duck and cover, etc., and then the last step is: "Now, stick your head between your legs and kiss your a$$ good-bye."  So, however many steps we wind up with, that needs to be the last one!