Sounds like both your DH's ex and your SS's wife are manipulative people - the first clue should have been that she was treating BM badly and favoring you.

And your husband is being spineless and unfair to you by not addressing how his kids treat you. Honestly, though - they don't have to allow you ANY place in their kids' lives anymore, so as hard as it is, I would stop buying things for them, stop planning parties and stop trying to talk to them beyond DH signing your name to a card for their birthdays, or something of the sort.

Sorry, it sounds very painful, but you can't make people allow you to be part of their lives or the children's lives.  Let him go on and have a relationship with everyone and do nothing to help him with any of it.

Tog is right.  Life will be much easier for you if you just let him have the relationship with his adult children and do your own thing when he is not around.  Obviously that means no more presents from you or events at your home unless he does all the work.  If you are not part of the family then you are not a servant, are you?  No, you are not.  Your DH is perfectly capable of hiring someone to fill that role if he can not do it himself and the skids will probably be much happier that way.  If nothing else, that statement should get his attention!

Perhaps you could do us a favor?  I know that you are a new member and so are not used to how the posts print out when you are finished.  The posts are a lot easier to read if you use paragraphs rather than just writing everything in one long string of text.  It is hard to think of when you are writing - especially when you are caught up in frustration! - but you will get a lot more responses when the post is easy to read.  And the responses are always helpful and occasionally really entertaining.  Welcome to the group!!!!

As hard as it may be you have to just let go of the stepkids, the stepgrandkids and let go of providing input to your DH as to his relationship with his kids/grandkids.

The reason is simple:  You will never, ever be considered a member of their family because BM doesn't want you to be included.  Period.  In these situations, BM will trump every other female who comes along, and always will.

Sounds like your StepDaughter In law has now fallen in line and is doing BM's bidding, so now she is included.  You, however, never will be.  

You must let go of feelings you have for the children even though they are innocent right now.  Those kids will eventually start mirroring what the parents are saying and someday it won't be all hugs and "Grammy."  They will learn to avoid you or say cutting things, too.

For what it's worth, I'm in a very similar situation where BM calls the shots and is the uber-parent, especially because BM's family has money.  SD had a baby and I am well aware I will never be a genuine part of this kid's life.  I will not emotionally invest myself in him because I don't need the kind of heartbreak you are going through.  It's not too late for you to do the same.  

Psychologically, just start thinking of that little boy as the child of a former co-worker who moved far away.  You enjoyed the time you spent with him but are now letting go.  

(Ditto on using paragraphs.  I almost didn't read your post but glad I did.)

I agree with Tog, let DH have a relationship with his kids.  Disengage.  Let him pay for everything and be the only one to communicate with them, prepare for them, feed them, clean up after them.  Don't speak of them to him and if he brings them up in conversation change the subject as soon as possible.  If you allow them in your home, treat them cordially but if they ask for anything tell them to ask their Father.  You don't have to tell DH you are disengaging, sometimes this brings on more problems. 

" I get upset with my husband now often because he won't stick up for me. I'm worried this will cause a big problem in our marriage if things are left this way."  By disengaging you create boundaries.  You must stand your ground as far as being respected in your home.  If DH can't insure you are, then it might be necessary to ban them from your home until he does.  Another thing - does he defend and protect you otherwise?   This can be a very big problem if it is not addressed.  Each instance of a wimp-out episode doesn't get forgotten.  It just piles up until all respect is lost and the marriage fails.

I am also a SM who "used" to be granny. When it was useful to OSD. When I was willing to repeatedly turn the other cheek. When I was an easy mark. When I still had hope that things would get better one day. When I was willing to be exploited financially.

And when I finally spoke up, my DH's narcissistic daughter cut me out. Then she cut her father out when he challenged her behavior. We went from seeing the gskids weekly to zero. That was over eight years ago. 

Children of divorce often pick up not-so-great behaviors. They learn how to manipulate, apply leverage, exploit, play the victim, and play one parent against the other. They are often spoilt, self absorbed, and lacking in empathy. And if dysfunction is present before skids have gskids, it often ramps up afterwards.

You've received a lot of good advice, and you have already identified that alpha BM played a big role in icing you out. I agree that you need to accept that things have changed; that this is beyond your control; and that you should mourn the loss and disengage from your SS. I'd say nothing to any other family members and just fade back from all things related to this volatile skid and his wife. Your services are no longer required by these new parents, so make sure that includes all services. Protect your heart with quiet dignity, and hold to the new boundary these self absorbed parents have erected so in future they can't accuse you of causing drama. In steplife alliances can be fluid, meaning your H's son may change his tune in the future.

Frankly, I think your H is your real problem. He has dismissed/ignored your pain, and failed to advocate or stand by you. I would be very hurt by this, and I would not tolerate it. His pandering and cake eating needs to be addressed, too. 

process, especially when you've done nothing to warrant it. The key word here is "process." First your mind has to accept what has happened, and there's a lot here. Exjuliemccoy puts it correctly, "...you should mourn the loss and disengage." You are actually mourning the loss of 2 things here, as I see it. 1, the loss of the contact with this little boy, a relationship you both clearly enjoyed. You need to know the BM SS and wife will drip their toxic poison into this little boy's mind, and hence, the sick cycle is guaranteed to perpetuate. 2. You, (like many of us here) are mourning the loss of what you THOUGHT your husband would do for you, which is have your back in ALL circumstances, not selectively, as he is doing. He is solely responsible in this area for not standing in alliance with you. Marriage is a LEGAL CONTRACT, parenting or grandparenting is not. What loss is HE mourning? Absolutely nothing. He let them figuratively kick you to the curb emotionally, and just kept pressing onward.

Though the ex BM is less than desirable in her conduct, she has the SS and his wife under her reign, and that will be next to impossible to change. These are all adults (at least with regard to their ages) and they have the free will to behave as they choose, HOWEVER, your DH is YOUR HUSBAND FIRST AND FOREMOST. You are ONE, and in marriage, when one is in the trenches, you need the other to get in it with you and help pull you out of it. You do it TOGETHER. 

I agree with some of the other posters. EVERYTHING regarding kids and grandkids is HIS SOLE RESPONSIBILITY. At first, you will hurt, but you will get a little bit stronger with each day and each event. After you move through the shock, denial, acceptance phases, you'll be able to think more clearly about things. NOW IS THE TIME to realize you need to call your DH to the carpet on this, and let him know you fully expect him to be aligned with you and your feelings. He is participated and therefore, perpetuating the disrespect. He is sending the message that what they are saying and doing is ok with him. Always remember, doing NOTHING is a decision also. He is trying to do what they want him to out of fear. He is worried they will toss him aside too. That may be what happens, but spouses are responsible to each other. He needs to be aware of what is happening and HE has to be the one to remedy it, not you. 

Divorced daddy guilt makes these men to the unthinkable. 

Welcome to ST. I hope you get some resolve here. Remember, breathe, and it is a process. 

And yes, paragraphing would be helpful. I know when we type we are trying to get it all out there before we forget anything, so I get it.

Hugs

I know you will find lots of likeminded people here. I too am an 'ex grandparent'. I was very useful while I was gift buying and babysitting, but as soon as I asserted myself and said something when treated badly, I was discarded completely and utterly. That was 15 months ago now. My husband is still playing the guilty daddy card and it does wear very very thin. My problem is with my DH not with his adult kids, just as your problem is with your DH too. These men are so scared of asserting themselves and asking for respect that they take anything handed out. The less they take, the less they get. My DH now calls and leaves messages for 2-3 weeks before OSD will send him a single text in response asking what he wants becuase she is busy. And yes, he takes this treatment....very sad.

First off, to answer one of your questions - why is everyone else treated as family and you aren't?  The simple answer is that Dad's wife is not allowed to be part of the family.....the skids could remarry over and over and each spouse is family. My YSD's boyfriend's step family is their family. Their aunt's second DH is family. Their 18th cousin is family. Dad's wife? Nope.  I am competition and that's it.

You are definitely not alone in how you feel. Many of us fell in love with the sgkids and tried to facilitate the happy family.  I used to throw parties for the sgkids, then had the feeling that my OSD45 was snickering about me to the other attendees.  Shortly after this OSD told DH she didn't want to have to communicate with me directly - she wanted all communications kept in the family and DH could pass on anything important to me that I needed to know.

Message received loud and clear - I am not her family. Ok then, you no longer get any benefit from me being in your family. I did absolutely nothing for them. I did not buy gifts, sign cards; I have not seen them in 4 1/2 years. It hurt at first, but the kids are getting older now, and I can see they are being raised to be manipulative narcissists like their parents.  

I suspect BM was behind part of this - we even had been on beach vacations where BM was present and as soon as one of the kids got out of the water BM would start yelling for the kids to run to her, not allowing them to spend time with DH, their Papa.   But my OSD is also the type that must be the alpha female. She did not like that her kids loved me, that I was a retired executive who had had a higher level job than her own DH, that I had talents that I shared with the kids. Her only talent is manipulating and punishing to get her way.

Since it seems in your case the relationship between BM and your skids has been hot and cold, here's what will happen when you pull away. They will no longer have a common enemy - you. So they will turn on each other.  I guarantee it.  Even though my SDs, BM, and DH's gossipy sister live far away, I could see when they were plotting something. Then they started getting mad at each other.  It got to the point now it's almost funny.

But the part that is most hurtful for you is your DH's behavior. Men in this situation tend to want to bury their heads in the sand and hope the problem goes away.  It just gets worse and worse because the spoiled kids see that dad isn't going to do anything. Dh is worried about losing his precious babies but takes you for granted that you will always be there, after all, for years you played Mrs. Doormat to his Mr. Doormat.

Here's what a very wise poster here told me once.......(she commented on your post so you also get the benefit of her expertise).  Let your marriage go into "drift" mode for awhile. Tell your DH it seems he has some priorities to work out. Establish boundaries for yourself for your own protection since you can't count on him to protect you. Get therapy to help you along the way.  Focus on your own bios and activities that you enjoy. When mine saw me get involved in activities that did not include him, he started to be more concerned that he could actually lose ME. 

When your DH starts whining about you not attending events, all you have to say is one thing over and over again - "I am not a second class citizen in anyone's life or family." He will learn you mean business.

Even if you see the sgkids from time to time, do not emotionally invest yourself. I have bios and will someday hopefully have my own grandchildren. I dote on my friends' grandchildren.   DH's family now is nothing more to me than his distant family.

I continue to have no relationship with OSD and her children. DH and I have found peace. He visits them only once or twice a year. We are to the point that I don't mind if he tells me a little what the kids are doing. I just hope they are well, and I have no emotions invested in them at all.  

Eff them and their soon to be effed up offspring.  Don't talk to DH about them, don't ask about them, spend no money on them and live your best life.  You lived many years without knowing these eff-ups you'll live far happier ignoring they exist.

Never put your heart where your arse 'aint wanted!

This is the beginning of the end as far as I'm concerned.  The mere fact your husband even CONSIDERS seeing them when they are saying or have said horrid things about you is unforgivable.  Don't leave it like I have hoping things will change because it ain't gonna happen anytime soon.  Your guts are telling you it is wrong, visceral feelings are there for a reason.  Act on them!

Never put your heart where your arse 'aint wanted!

This is the beginning of the end as far as I'm concerned.  The mere fact your husband even CONSIDERS seeing them when they are saying or have said horrid things about you is unforgivable.  Don't leave it like I have hoping things will change because it ain't gonna happen anytime soon.  Your guts are telling you it is wrong, visceral feelings are there for a reason.  Act on them!