Oh man ... SS28 GF
SS28 suffers from some social problems that make it difficult for him to find a girlfriend. He did finally snag someone, whom I met in a parental meet-and-greet this past summer. She's a profeesional chef, and seemed OK, if a little enmeshed with her cell phone. Not everyone objects to their dining companions staring at a screen during dinner, but I'm old school on that. Moving on.
She moved with SS28 to a city a couple hundred miles from our fair burg this past summer. The two of them live an hour's commute from each other. If you're going to move with someone, wouldn't you expect to live near or with them? I would, but I'm old school on that too, I guess. Moving on.
The pair of them inflicted themselves on our fair burg for Thanksgiiving..I prepare holiday meals for our family, and I tend to knock myself out. People ask me what they can bring, and I usually suggest a side dish or a bottle of wine. SWhen arranging for the day, S28 told DH he and the cheflet would like to bring dessert. Not "What can we bring?" but "We would like to bring dessert." DH said, OK! and then told me the plan.
To really kick things off on the day, SS28 and GF arrived an hour early. Panic in the kitchen. After presentiong their wine and engaging in greetings and pleasantries, they stationed themselves in front of the buffet, where several homemade delicacies were already set out. I overheard them whispering and muttering to each other, and when cheflet noticed me nearby she turned to me and said brightly, "Dates!" Confronted with a dish of Medjools alongside an actually lovely spread of cheeses and home made breads, all she could come up with was "Dates!" Not, "This looks delicious!" or "What a gorgous displey!" or similar. Just, "Dates!" She followed this up with a sneer, which of course no one else saw, intended as it was exclusively for me.
So somehow we got from neutral to catty little btch in 6 months. Can;t imagine how that happened. Oh well, won't she be surprised a year from now when SS28 dumps her for an upgrade. (Opposite to their former area, what you might call the mate market is skewed in favor of males in their current area.) In the comfy couples gossip time after our party, DH remarked, "She seems like a very nice girl." "Mm hm," I said. "Hey, there's no gravy left!"
Not going there.
Moved
At least they moved away.
No offense, I'm sure you have
No offense, I'm sure you have a long history of issues with this skid that I haven't read about, but none of what you are saying here sounds awful to me. (I'd question whether she was sneering at you about dates, quite frankly - she didn't say what you thought she should say about the spread, but you also don't know exactly what she meant).
Yeah. If she did sneer, I
Yeah. If she did sneer, I assumed it was because OP stared at her blankly with an odd look. It was an awkward exchange with likely awkward looks. If SS28 is socially awkward, it stands to reason that his GF would be, too.
As for the saying they want to bring dessert, I think that's less of a snide remark and more of a cultural difference around holidays. Some of my family asks what to bring, and others state a category. Actually, if my parents are hosting a meal, I'll usually say I can make dessert because the implication from them saying they are hosting is that they are covering everything "main" so any help needs to be with the extras.
Thanksgiving is a time when folks tend to be very set in how they may the turkey, what sides they want made and how they are made, people have designated dishes, etc. Dessert and appetizers, to me, are the add-ons that anyone could bring because no one is going to turn down an extra pie small cheese ball. It's the "safe" thing to bring or ask to bring.
I thought it was pretty
I thought it was pretty socially appropriate that they even brought anything! A lot of 28 year-olds are pretty immature nowadays.
Meh, yeah ...
... I was probably being hyper sensitive. Also think you to whomever deleted the double post. Still haven;t quite got the hang of this intertron thing, apparently.
Going to tread carefully with these two, because I do have a long history with this kid and am over-reactive After much struggle, we've gotten to a place where he knows better than to openly diss me because DH will take his head off. But if I end up in a roil with his grilfriend, what's a guy to do?
No, they did not bring dessertr. Deleted that whole paragraph, duh. This darned intertron machine!
Anyway thanks for taking in the rant. Appreciate the comments and the reality check. I"m shutting up now.
It's true
History with this kid has made me highly over-reactive to him. Got to get a handle on that. The holidays put everyone into such a mellow and companionable state of mind, don't they?
They have moved away
It can be difficult to bring things like casseroles for a long ride. Wine is fine in my book. Agree, dont let this eat you up. Of course SS and his GF spoke more to his dad, he is the parent.
Now THAT would be rude - to
Now THAT would be rude - to ignore the other adult in the room because she's not your parent? How does that make any sense? If you are invited to dinner, you speak to all the guests.
Bingo
"Even the new GF is empowered to treat the SM like she is invisible or like the help."
I'm not even sure where to
I'm not even sure where to put this, but:
My FIL said hi and bye to me at Thanksgiving. He and I have a good relationship, but I was busy and trying to get stuff done. We just never got a chance to talk.
My SBro? We said maybe 3 sentences to each other.
When there are lots of folks around, it's hard to have a conversation, especially when you are the hostess. Could GF been a little twit? Sure. But I wouldn't base one holiday interaction that seemed fairly neutral (which, if she is socially awkward, makes sense) as a sign that she is/will be disrespectful to you.
This is especially true if you do a more formal holiday than GF is used to. Or if SS sold her on how you and DH act that doesn't align with what she witnessed/experienced. I have different expectations for my friends and family in my home than I do for new guests. I try to provide a lot of leniency that they may feel awkward and act as such (because I can have social anxiety and be awkward myself).
Basically, don't borrow trouble where there was none. It's a 50/50 shot that how she acted was because she is a twit versus just being uncomfortable in a new place with new people.
50/50, true
As someone upthread pointed out, they're not living here and they're not asking for money. And this was 2 days ago! Moving on and DH and I will continue treading carefully around the topic.
Thanks to all the Step Talkers for providing alternate points of view and reality checks, and especially for listening to me vent!