Moving on and out
I've posted a few times about my boyfriend and my difficult 8 year old stepson (well basically stepson ) my other posts have details of all the issues. well Monday stepson said he wants to live with pshyco, drug addict, mean,lives in a motel BM. He's only there one night a week. I think this is because she has no rules or discipline. She had to go to only having him on weekends because she wouldn't get him to school. He can play all the video games he wants... Eat what he wants.... Even if it is a smokey motel room.
My boyfriend fought for custody and got it pretty easily. So for his son to drop the bomb that he wants to live with her it was hurtful. To me as well! For 2 years I have done a pot of mothering of this child. He said that he doesn't even care if he sees any of us again. Even his grandma who coddles him like crazy! As long as he can be with mommy. I had hope for this kid...now I think he may likely continue to have no ambition.
We reminded him of all the fun trips we've taken... Disneyland, beach..how we're always here to help with school work....drs appts
..dentust... He said none of that matters. He wants to be with mommy and doesn't care about us. We told him he has a right to his feelings and we appreciate his honesty...but we are going to tell him how his comments make us feel too.
Of course my boyfriend says he'll do what's best for his son... And being with his mom would ruin him.
Where it gets sticky for me is I told SS if he didn't want to see grandma he had to tell her. We got grandma on the phone and he started crying and said he took it all back...
Well today we were talking and he told me he still wants to live with mom....he said he only cried because we were mad at him... Not because he doesn't want to live with mommy. (like a criminal whose sorry they got caught not for what the did. )
My boyfriend said he doesn't believe what his son said is true and that his son wants to be with us and that's why he took it back. I don't believe that. I think his son very much knew and meant what he said. I think his son has been spoiled and allowed to be unfeeling and self centered and needs help. When I tried to express that I got shot down and the boyfriend got upset....my talking about it annoys him.
I am done with stepson gets away with everything.....i am seeing my hope for this kid is in vein. He'll get worse before better. I started looking for an appartment for me and my 14 year old son. It's going to take some time to get into a place... The rental market ugh..
In the meantime I am backing way off on parenting stepson. I still love my boyfriend very much. But I have to love my son and myself more....
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Disengage from SS
Let your BF take care of all his needs, like cooking, cleaning, ect. BF should make arrangements for child care until he can pick him up after his work is finish. That is NOT you
I mean, at the end of the day
I mean, at the end of the day, he's only 8. In regards to want to be with BM, any kid would. No rules, do whatever you want...any kid wants that. Because they don't understand that what they want isn't always what they need and what's good for them. He's too young to understand that mommy is toxic. Mother/Child bond is pretty much unbreakable so he'll want to go with mommy and where it's fun. That's all kids.
But I don't think all of what he's saying is just him. I would bet BM is filling his head with the idea of living with her. She is instructing him what to say and setting up PAS against your DH. I agree that your SS does need professional help.
However none of this is on you. He has two parents and they need to sort this out. Clearly the BM is toxic so your BF needs to step up and handle the situation. Unfortunately you cannot care more than the parents do. You'll just end up driving yourself crazy and be the bad guy.
I think it is wrong to lay a guilt trip on the kid
Dad can explain that custody will not change, and dad is sorry he misses mom. You don't have to help care for SS, but laying guilt trip is not the right answer.
Dad did explain that custody
Dad did explain that custody wouldn't change. And it wasn't to make him feel guilty but explain how words can hurt.
8-year-olds don't decide
8-year-olds don't decide where they live, and stop giving him so much power with that "I want to live with Mommy" stuff. Just ignore. He's trying to get everyone's goat and it's working.
BTW, kids with trainwreck mothers often have issues - he needs therapy.
Of course he wants to live
Of course he wants to live with him mom, he is 8. I am sure what he REALLY wants is his mom and dad to be together in a home that is filled with love and laughter. He wants to see both of his parents every day. He wants his mom to be a real mom who loves him and has her shit together and bakes cookies for the school bake sale.
As hard and as hurtful as this is, he feels safe enough to talk to you about his feelings.
Keep telling yourselves that you are doing the best thing for him. That one day he will be so happy he had the home and safety and security that you are able to provide him. Just right now he is a little kid with some big feelings and he misses his mom. That is all natural. 8 year olds don't get to make adult choices though. If they got to make all their decisions they would never go to school, live off of chocolate cake and sleep in bounce houses. You guys have the hard work of real parenting.
I agree.. I doubt at 8 he
I agree.. I doubt at 8 he gets the full complexity of the situation.. where wanting to be with his mommy equals a rejection of his dad, you, granny. That may be the reality.. but he likely doesn't see it that way, and I am guessing in the one day a week, mommy love bombs him enough to make him miss her a lot.
And.. what kid won't miss their parent? It's absolutely normal for him to miss her..... even if you guys know she is a POS.. he likely doesn't see that.
Now, I don't 100% disagree with letting kids know that they may have hurt someone's feelings.. it's part of teaching empathy. But it should be more along the lines of his dad saying.. "Sorry little man, but right now, the judge says that my home is the best place for you to be living full time... and besides.. you know it would really make me sad if you left.. I love you too" But putting the boy on the phone to tell his granny he doesn't want to see her? You all know that's not really want he wanted... he wanted to be with his mom.. he misses her.. he misses his mother... dad, OP can't replace that.. even though with adult logic we know that isn't the best place for him.
Oh yeah... She Mega love
Oh yeah... She Mega love bombs him. No chores no consequences for your actions... Eat what you want. Rule free heaven. He just doesn't get it at 8...shes basically created a fantasy world for him. Hopefully when he gets older he'll understand.