Need Support

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New here and at the end of my rope. Middle stepson is a liar, thief and con man, he is 23. In the last year he has walked out on jobs and left the State three times to be with women but always comes back with no money, no job and no transport expecting family to pick up the pieces. He lost 2 vehicles to repossession while all this was going on. His family try to sweep everything under the rug and not talk about his problems but bend over backwards to help him. The last time he left he didn't even say goodbye to his Dad nor would he answer his calls or his Moms although she pays his cell phones. The first time his Dad heard from him was when he wanted money.

My husband knows what he is. But this latest jaunt stepson spent what money he had on a week's motel room and then comes looking for a place to stay. He has been with us a few times and stolen a ton of stuff and money.. even out of my purse.. and one time he took our bank card and took money. He is a filthy pig who just piles up dirty dishes and garbage and dirty clothes in his room till it stinks so bad you can't go in there and he smokes and we don't. I already have the youngest stepson living here.

I have had enough, don't want him here anymore and told my husband so. The eldest stepson totally understands how I feel.. but not Dad. Last night he was going to give him $170 so that he could stay another week in the motel. Then I informed my husband we now could not afford to do anything for Valentine's Day so he said he could not do it and told the youngest to take him to his grandma's or mother's. My husband is mad at me. Told me he thought it was ridiculous he can't stay.. is he totally stupid? After all he has put us through.

Last night he said he couldn't throw his son out even after I told him I threw my daughter out once and she thanked me for it years later because it turned her around. Oh no.. OUR family doesn't bale on each other.. so I told him then you go do what you have got to do but I am done and want no part of it.

He then went on to order flowers for me whilst looking angry??????? And when I put my arm around him in bed last night he pushed me away.

At the end of my tether in Illinois.

What a terrible situation to

What a terrible situation to be in.

You have my sympathy.

However, I wouldn't know where to start in trying to educate your husband that giving anyone what they want is not good for them. That giving what is needed is the best thing that can be done.

I hope someone else on this site can offer better advice. No one had replied yet (maybe it's a bit early on a Saturday morning ), so I wanted to offer you some sympathy.

All the very best

Military career would be the

Military career would be the best thing. The 23 yr old son is a man and should not be living with any parent. His father needs to take him down to the nearest recruiter and have him enlist. He will have a job and a place to stay then. The father needs to face the fact that his son is a man and must stop babying him and treating him like a child.

Take Care

I agree with Clorell there

I agree with Clorell there but you can't MAKE someone join the military. But perhaps, as long as DH is sold on it, you could give SS an ultimatum like "Join the military or get the hell out."

Perhaps appeal to your husband and say "I think the Air Force of the Army would be good for him. The way he bounces around from place to place show that he lacks direction. He doesn't know what to do with himself. Maybe if he joined the military he could get some direction or at least learn a trade and get out and do something else. 4 years is nothing! Honey, he could enlist for 2 years even! Plus he would have heatlh care and a steady paycheck. He doesn't have to join infantry so you don't have to worry about him dying in Iraq as much. He could do something like technical work as a construction guy, or sit in an office as a supply clerk."

I am not a recruiter but your SS needs some help.

If he can't join the military for whatever reason, there's places like Job Corps. I have seen plenty of people learn a trade through Job Corps and go on to better things.

Does DH have a best friend who is male? Perhaps you could have his friend talk to him. Or if he adores his mother, perhaps use your MIL to persuade DH.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

A plan and new perspective

A plan and new perspective are needed. You have three choices, throw him out in the street, pay for a hotel room, or let him move in with you. Either way, somebody is going to be unhappy and life is too short to be unhappy. Communication is the key here. First off, remind DH of all the discord SS has caused in the past. Also inform him that he's enabling this type of behavior to continue if he doesn't put his foot down with his adult son. At this point decide as a couple what you should do as far as the SS's living arrangements. It's clear that DH is not going to put him out on the streets. Paying for a hotel could end up costing a fortune over time but if it's worth your sanity it would be a small price to pay. If you decide to let him live with you, agree on what you expect of him and decide on a timeline of when he should move out. At this point, have a family meeting with SS and tell him what you've decided along with rules, and expectations. Let him know that he has to contribute to the household chores and show proof that he's looking for work. Also let him know that if he doesn't follow the rules, he'll have to move out and you won't foot his hotel bills. Tell him he needs to find a job while he figures out what he wants to do with his life. Have monthly meetings if necessary to make sure he's on task. Finally, put a lock on your bedroom door to keep him from having access to at least some of your things, and always have your purse within view. Either way . .good luck!

I want to thank everyone for

I want to thank everyone for their input so far, it is really appreciated. I haven't been around because it is difficult to be on the computer without an audience and things change from day to day. Sigh.

First off there was talk of him joining the military but that fell through because he doesn't like PT. He doesn't have the discipline to live like a normal human being never mind being in the military.

This boy has had a TON of counselling and not one bit of it helped that I can see. The reason why I think this is, is that he is a sociopath, in which case there is no help for him anyway. I am amazed he has not selected a new victim already.

I am pretty sure things are going to come to a head soon because I won't change my mind no matter what. Last week the youngest paid for his hotel room because we couldn't so now Dad is going to pay him back. Next week? There is talk of Mom paying half and eldest brother the other half. I asked what happened to the job he was supposed to start and I gather that was lies as I suspected, because 'they haven't called him back about it yet.' And the one job he did have an offer on Dad made him refuse because he could not guarantee getting him to work on time every day. Oh yeah.. we are supposed to provide all of his transport too.

He won't go to his grandmothers I was told because she has no TV and no cable and no internet.. shakes head. I said to my DH this morning it seems stupid he won't go there and he said he just would not make him stay there and anyway his grandmother can only have visitors in her place for a week.

So where are we? At square one. I am resigned to working out how to survive on my own now because I just don't know how much longer we can survive at loggerheads over this. It says something that I would rather live without the husband I love than have my middle stepson under my roof.

You might still want to

You might still want to consider a counsellor for your husband (as per Goforit). Whilst you know SS won't benefit, it's your DH that needs to 'See the light'.

Perhaps even see a counsellor together on the basis that your marriage is falling apart.

Make sure you get a good counsellor though.