Very Strange and Interesting Conversation with my In-Laws this Weekend
So DH and I had some business meetings near where his parents live on Thursday and Friday. We stayed with them...and then stayed a while on Saturday, too.
DH went to see a friend from high school who was having a rough time and I stayed home. His parents and I started talking about all sorts of things...but they brought up their grandkids (my skids) and started saying some really interesting things. The short story: They feel like their grandkids have become just like BM and only care about them for their money...but have disdain for them at other times.
Believe it or not, I did stand up for the skids a bit. I mentioned to my in-laws that neither DH or BM was very good with money (this is a well-known fact) and so skids probably have a hesitant relationship with it and don't quite know how to behave. I said they're all hard workers and don't ask us for much...and that I admire that about them. But that I think they maybe can be a little too independent and it comes of as ingratitude.
This all stems from Christmas and the debacle with SS and the apartment (in-laws did get some of that $$ back, but not the security deposit because apparently SS had ruined a few things). Skids came at Christmas for the bare minimum time, got their stuff, then took off. This hurt the in-laws feelings, naturally. MIL started crying when FIL was explaining this to me.
BM has always acted very holier-than-thou when it comes to the in-laws and sort of openly mocked them for being 'materialistic' in front of her kids...but, then, she's gone to them multiple times over the years, since she divorced DH, to ask for money directly. FIL was counting the times she's come to them (OSDs car wreck, SS school, YSD cancer, OSD needing therapy, etc.) and it's been about 7 times since the divorce that she's asked them for money...several thousand at a time.
I pointed out to them that their other grandkids have grown up rich and live far away, so they take off a full week to come for Christmas...whereas DH's kids all feel (right or wrong) like they have to 'go back to work' within a day or two. Still...they are standoffish and awkward with their grandparents even when they are there, and I know and their grandparents know that it's because of BM. Is there such a thing as Grandparents' Alienation Syndrome?
Anyway. They said that as a result of this Christmas, they are planning to scale way back at Christmas-time so they don't have so much time and energy invested in something that may turn out to be disappointing for them. I said that DH and I just want to spend time with them...so anything more than a good meal, good conversation, and some games is totally extra. MIL started crying again.
They also told me that they had planned to leave grandkids in their wills, too. But now they don't want to because they think they're too enmeshed with BM and worry that she'll get the money. They will now be leaving a nominal amount to each grandkid but 90% or more of their estate will be divided directly between DH and his sister. They told me they hoped that we'll have mirror wills and that, if DH predeceases me, that I'll take care of the grandkids / my skids the way I always have but not spoil them...
I wonder if BM will ever know that her behavior basically got her kids cut out of their grandparents' wills?
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I'm a little confused, why
I'm a little confused, why are you defending these skids? Even if you have to be back to work quickly, you can visit grandma and get your gifts without making grandma feel like you are just doing a gift grab. They are adults and should be expected to treat their grandparents with respect. Sounds like the gparents rightly feel used for their money. I'm not clear what you mean about them "not being good with money" and therefore "hesitant with it". Seems like the issue is that they only see their gparents when they want something, and don't show a genuine interest or caring for them.
Yes, most people who alienate their children to any degree alienate them from the entire family, unless that family takes their side and helps them alienate from the target parent.
I think the gparents have the right idea about who these skids are and what their motivation is. Not sure it's BM's fault at this point, they are adults.
Well...the full story is way,
Well...the full story is way, way too long to post here. I think the in-laws haven't helped matters. They were far more generous with DH's sister and her kids growing up than with DH and his kids.
The skids' cousins are constantly on social media posting about their latest travel adventures or clothing purchase or restaurant meal...always searching for the best of the best.
My skids have been raised much differently and genuinely don't care that much about stuff. Ironically, I think this comes across as ingratitude to my in-laws. Also, when you set up the expectation that you show your love through $$$ and stuff...I'm wondering how you can get upset that people take you at your word...or be confused when your kids experience sibling rivalry or, by extension, when their kids aren't that close, either.
The conversation was obviously about much more than Christmas!
That said, I do think DH's parents mean well and honestly can't see the ways in which they've favored the other grandkids or DH's sister. I do think a lot of that "favoring" was the result of BM and her attitude...and them not being allowed in...I think you just naturally will favor kids who you are around more and who take an interest in the things you're interested in. And I do think it's incredibly hypocritical for BM to be so pious and disdainful about people who have money...but to go to them repeatedly post-divorce to get bailed out.
As an outsider...I see how everyone has contributed to this situation. I do feel for the in-laws because I am certain that they wanted to be as close with my skids as they are with their other grandkids. I'm glad DH has a good relationship with his parents now. He really loves them and felt estranged for years with his ex. Both his parents told me that they're so grateful that I've encouraged him to be more family-minded since we've been married.
I have hope for the skids. As awful as they've been...they are very young, and I don't think they understand how they're coming across. I think they'd be mortified and sad if they knew.
Sounds like the grandparents
Sounds like the grandparents need to have a tough chat with the grandkids, and your DH can work to facilitate that. I'm never a fan of family members being hurt, to the point that they take legal action of any sort against another family member, without there being words exchanged.
It doesn't have to be a nasty meeting, but I do think it would be good for the GPs to share their frustration. It could be that GKs don't realize they are being twats (they are young, it's possible), and they should be made responsible for their actions against their family.
I agree - I think they need
I agree - I think they need to express some of these things directly. I think they're hoping I'll bring it up gently to DH and he'll bring it up to the kids.
I actually do think the kids are young, dumb, and don't realize how they're being perceived at all. Not including someone in your will...or including them slightly less than you'd originally thought you would...I don't think that's "taking legal action against" someone. Their plan has always been to leave the bulk to DH and his sister. The in-laws are a little obsessed with all their grandkids, so I highly doubt they'll cut them out entirely.
I'm not sure why you think BM
I'm not sure why you think BM's behavior had more of an influence on the in-laws' decision than the skids' own terrible treatment of their grandparents. SS was a complete twat about that apartment when his grandparents were paying the rent.
These "kids" don't deserve anyone defending them for their selfish behavior.
Well...the grandparents
Well...the grandparents themselves are blaming BM more than the kids at this point. Because it's been decades of alienation and manipulative, using behavior...not just the recent stuff but stuff BM did even when the kids were babies and toddlers. Long before I came on the scene.
I agree about SS...but he was most certainly pushed into it by his mom, and she wrote the email to his grandparents. I agree he's an adult, but you don't understand BM and her family. BM has been totally co-dependent with her mom in really weird ways and now she's cultivating that in her own kids.
I think your in laws have
I think your in laws have every right to feel the way they do. I know if I was generous to loved ones & was treated the way your skids had treated their GPs I’d be upset & wanting to scale back on support as well.
At the same time, I can appreciate that might have been an awkward conversation because you were put in the middle of everything. I always err on the conservative side when people ask me about things like this, depending on my relationship with the in laws I likely would have responded in the same way, while also letting them know I empathize with how they’re feeling.
Do you have a good relationship with your in laws, or was this an unexpected conversation?
I have a very good
I have a very good relationship with them. I think they credit me for being a stabilizing presence for their son and grandkids...fairly or unfairly.
As an outsider, and knowing how my DH has felt in the past, I can clearly see how and why all this has played out this way...but as in a skid situation, you can't really fix dysfunction that you didn't cause. This was going on for years before I even showed up.
And, yes. I'm not going to blast the skids (or vent like I do here) with my in-laws because that's their family. I did tell them I could see where they were coming from and tried to give them some insight into the skids and their behavior...where they might be misreading awkwardness or not knowing how to connect with cousins they have very little in common with as ingratitude. I think the in-laws were grateful for my perspective.
As much as I get annoyed with skids here and vent...they're really pretty decent kids who all work hard and are going to school, etc. They've done some dumb stuff recently, but I don't think that's who they are.
Any parent alienation
Usually involves family of the other parent being alienated from their kids. So if bio mum has been doing pas against bio dad, i’m not surprised that his parents feel alienated too
my husbands exwife has pas to the max and hubbys family feel it and know how i must feel. They see their awkwardness and how my kids with hubby are...
Same Here
The Girhippo Clan are the "REAL" family of the skids according to them. Chef told me that the Gir 'n' Clan would often keep the skids away from HIS side of the family. hmmm and this was while they were STILL MARRIED.
Yes...this is very familiar.
Yes...this is very familiar.
BM and her 'clan' are incredibly possessive and I guarantee that the skids feel more like BM's folks are their 'real' family. I'm certain they feel more comfortable there.
BM kept skids away while she and DH were still married, too. That's one thing they were saying to me: "If we were invited to a grandkid event, we went. 9 times out of 10 unless we just couldn't make it, we went. We were blessed to be able to take time away to do these things. We were rarely invited when BM and our son were married...and almost never after the divorce. So it's not that we didn't want to be a part of their lives...and now we're realizing that the only time BM invited us in was when one of the kids was in trouble or needed something financially. Other than that, she acted like we didn't even exist..."
I totally get where they're coming from.