Ahhhh. Mother In Laws!!!
When I met my MIL the first time she seemed to be an amazing woman. She asked me many questions, and as we were leaving I heard her whisper to my husband "She's a beautiful girl!" I was so happy because I was very concerned that I should only enter a family where I was welcomed with open arms. Well, when we were dating and I was doing all of the kids laundry and picking them up and watching them nonstop for his ex wife she adored me, or pretended to. The first time I ever thought anything other than she approved was when we told them we were getting married. Suddenly there she was bawling. Not tears of joy, nope, tears of "how could my son actually marry this woman (who had been taking care of him and all of HIS kids for the past year and a half while his ex was off sleeping with everyone and getting high)." I was stumped by her sudden behavior. Now Six years later I understand that she was upset by the fact that she would lose control and place as number 1 female in her youngest child's life.
she was also, very attached to his exwife. That has continued to this day, and even though she sees this woman take her kids around abusive men and convicted sex offenders for money. Even though, she cheated endlessly on her son, and encouraged him to have nothing to do with her when they were married, even though my Husband has a permanent restraining order against his ex for her crazy and abusive behavior, she allows her back and inevitably takes her side.
Today was was BM visitation day. She is supposed to get them after school, but hasn't in five years because it meant getting some of them after school at noon, and also driving which means gas money she could use elsewhere, and time ACTUALLY having to watch her kids and spend time away from her exploits. So because of the Restraining order, pick ups and drop offs are at either my Mother in laws house or BM moms house. Today, she won't get them and we dropped them at his moms. As we get there, his ex is parked in their driveway and inside the house waiting. Yep, she just walks into all of his families houses. His Mom encourages it, usually feeds her, and tells her everything about our lives while they sit and talk.
We have spoken to her about it for five years, but she doesn't listen or says something like "Well, I can't lie." Umm, she doesn't need to know information on my children. She doesn't need to know where we are going for holidays without the kids. She doesn't need to know that we are struggling with our business. My Mother In Law thinks that not volunteering is lying. Not with her own life, just with mine, with ours.
So, how would you guys cope with this. Oh, and let me add that she still has photos of my husband and his ex on her wall, but none of me and my Husband or my kids, and I have given them to her. Also, at 18 months she decided to show my daughter the photos and explain to her that was her Daddy's wife, and called her by name. Yeah, that one pissed me off no end.so, what would you guys do?
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Disengage
Cut her off. She doesn’t come to your house, your kids don’t go to hers. By introducing the idea of a new partner and baby mama for your DH to your baby, she is deliberately diminishing your role and your importance in your own family. “Look, baby, wives and mommies come and go but Daddy and Grandma are forever.”
Time to nail BM to the wall with that restraining order. Set boundaries, enforce them and cut out the toxic buttheads who help erode those boundaries.
I would cut MIL out
I would cut MIL out completely. She does not have your families Best interests at heart.
Easier said than proven
My husband goes to her for advice, loans, help with things I don't or can't do around our home because I am busy working or with babies. He doesn't want to be in the middle and doesn't want to choose, but He has talked about moving away, and generally apologizes when she acts the way she does. When I get upset his entire family acts as though I am unreasonable or just jealous or it's my fault.
Then your problem isn't with
Then your problem isn't with MIL it is with DH.
As long as he volunteers information to his mother, she is going to share it with whomever she wants. If he doesn't want to be in the middle then he needs to stop putting himself there. He needs to put on his big boy underwear and figure things out for himself and stop running to mommy.
Now, how to get him to do that is something else entirely and I'm not sure how you deal with that other than becoming that crazy BM who throws a hairy fit everytime he tells MIL something. I sometimes think that is the only thing some of these men understand! They'll do exactly what crazy BM wants in order to avoid her raging at him. So fight back with your own rage.
As for his family acting like you're unreasonable, that's easy. Agree with them. Tell them Yes, I'm jealous or Yes, it's all my fault! Who frigging cares as long as he stops sharing with MIL and she stops sharing with BM.
Why does your husband need so
Why does your husband need so much from his mother? Loans? Help with things you don't/can't do around the house? As long as he's accepting money and other assistance from her, he can't very well disengage or cut her off. He needs to figure out how to be more self sufficient. Where does she get the information to share with BM? I assume from your husband, right? Can you convince him to stop sharing with her information you don't want others to know? I mean, you both know the MIL is tight with BM and overshares, so it makes sense to just not tell her things in the first place.
I like the moving away idea. My future MIL is a sweet, lovely woman, but she's still friendly with BM. The same BM who was a serial cheater during her marriage to MIL's son and then divorced him. Why she would communicate with BM, let alone be incredibly nice to her, is beyond me. Lucky for me, FMIL lives almost a thousand miles away, so she and BM only see each other once or twice a year and keep loosely in touch through social media. I shudder to think what life would be like if she was here in our town. Some distance between you and the MIL and between BM and the MIL is probably a good idea.
Your DH is a Mama's Boy. He's
Your DH is a Mama's Boy. He's emotionally dependent on his mother and he's allowing her to obliterate boundaries and treat you like dirt.
There is no "in the middle" between mother and wife - when you are a married man, your wife comes first, PERIOD.
None of this will change as long as your husband can't address his emotional dependency on his mother.
Good luck.
I came here to say the same
I came here to say the same thing.
The other posters have it
The other posters have it nailed, this isn’t an issue with your MIL, this is an issue with your DH.
Why is he going to MIL for loans & support? He can go to the bank for a loan & you or other family & friends for support. His mother is toxic, but he is allowing this drama into your life. He’s allowing his mother to poison the relationship he has with YOU, because he doesn’t want to cut inappropriate ties with his mommy.
I am not one for alienating children from family members, but if I caught or heard someone telling MY child that DH’s ex was his wife, I’d lose it. I’d refuse to allow that kind of toxicity & confusion around my child, and would make sure ALL contact with this person was supervised and on my terms.
Why are you tolerating this betrayal from your DH? Because that’s exactly what this is.
Be done with her, no longer
Be done with her, no longer do ANY form of pick up ro drop off at her house. Do what we just did due to MIL's behavior. We now do pick up and drop off at a gas station. Or with a restraining order, you could probably do the local police station. NO longer allow MIL to dictate things and cause issues.
They are right
DH is the problem. Cut off MIL, No help, No loans, Drop off and pick up at police station with cameras outside. If you want to be adults act like adults. Adults don’t keeping running to mommy for everything.
I Don't run to her
i don't ask her to watch the kids ever, though he did when we were first together. I don't ask for her help. I we have two little girls together. When she found out I was pregnant she left for a year long mission overseasro not be a part of it. She witnessed the births of all of my husbands children with his two exes. She witnessed the births of all of her other grandchildren, it is only my two she has not even come to the hospital for. When I had my second (amid her disapproval) she watched the kids (including my two year old) but only because my arranged sitter had a family death and was out of town and I delivered her early at 36 weeks. She called every hour asking if I was done, insisted he leave me to bring her something-he refused, kept asking "what is wrong with her? It's been 8 hours? Isn't she done yet?" I was induced and in labor for 23 hours. When she was born the next day he left thirty minutes later to go get the kids from his Mommy who was livid and I didn't see him again until three days later ten minutes before discharge. He had all of the kids and she had him running errands and convinced him he had to work harder at our business in order to afford this last kid. BUT, if anyone were to look in they would see this woman doing ALL this stuff she's not asked to do. They wouldn't see the cost. My husband thinks she does it to feel needed. I think she does it because she has to have control.