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There is hope...

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 12:35am

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Adult Stepchildren

...or at least a fleeting glimmer of it.  

DH and I went out of town for the holidays so DH is musing about getting someone to housesit.  He talks about a few friends, his sibling and then of course ss33. "SS33 would be the easiest but could I get him to leave afterwards? ha ha," said DH. Yes he would be the easiest because he'd love to get a break from living with mommy and he likely is inbetween jobs again. I hated to even get into a conversation about ss33 but felt I must or he'd be camping out of the couch again with no end in sight but this time with barely legal gf in tow.  I reminded DH of what happened the last time ss33 came just for the night, then it turned into just till he got on his feet, which turned into on and off using our house as a flop pad and place to eat.  I also reminded him of how me creating boundaries around the situation made me the evil SM. DH was silent for a moment and said what every wife longs to hear, "you're right," then "I'll get my sister or ss26 (the good ss) to do it. And he did!  This is literally the first conversation we've ever had about ss33 that did not end in him getting hurt feelings and trying to gaslight and blame me.  

The next shock, honestly I couldn't believe this one.  DH is selling a vehicle and trailer hopefully as a pair.  Guess who has the first offer? Yup, ss33. ss actually offered what DH is asking but then wanted to set up a *payment* plan with DH.  What does "payment plan" mean to stoner jobless living with mommy ss? It means I'll give you $200 now and maybe a $50 here and there but I'll make up excuses as to why I can't pay you the full amount. Plus if it's daddee's it's miiiiinnnnnneeeee! DH had a moment of clarity and told him flat out NO. Then he went on to tell ss that he knows that he doesn't have the money to make payments since he just recently lost another job and he still hasn't paid him back from years ago.  ss has very little mechanical ability so also DH knew the minute it needed repairs that he'd be expected to do it, and for free.  

I really don't know what's happened to my very soft head in the sand DH but I like it and hope it continues!  This improvement has taken SEVEN very long years and at one point a few years in our marriage almost imploded because of ss.  I've consistently disengaged for the last few years and have totally given DH the responsibility for his relationship w/his kids. No more dumping on me, blaming me, using me as a buffer. You get to deal with your darling jobless stoner son who is such a genius according to you all on your own.  

sammigirl's picture

Submitted by sammigirl on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 7:41am

This is the best beginning for 2019 for you.   You do know your boundaries with enforcement is working.

My YSS54 will not even acknowledge his Dad right now, because I set boundariesa and will not step down.  It is now between my DH and SS54.    It should have always been between the two.  Like you, it made me the bad guy; with that said I will always stand my  ground. 

My DH is doing well with it also.  He also has made great strides with SD57.  It has been nine years for me, and worth all the hurdles I have overcome.  I also know as long as I have these grown trouble makers in my life (now 39 years),  it never ends when it comes to keeping my disengagement and enforcement in place.

I am happy you are also to this point.  It makes life much easier to have the communication between you two open and honest.  I do know that is the best part for me.  

Happy New Year!

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 10:33am

" It should have always been between the two."

So true. We SM's expect our husbands to deal with their own kids and to protect our marriage. Instead they are "protecting" their adult babies from us and leaving the marriage wide open to skid assaults.  I remember early on in our marriage DH telling me that he had to protect adult ss from me.  I was shocked because I had only been kind and hospitable to his sons.  I still have no idea what in the world DH was thinking then. 

It's sad when an adult child won't acknowledge their parent but in your DH's case it's the backlash due to his own lack of parenting for decades.  The new year is starting well for us and I hope it continues but honestly I'm not holding my breath.  Like you said, it's between them now and I am completely out of it.  

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 3:32pm

Now that you brought it up, I recall DH giving me the same line about "protecting" SD from me.  When he uttered, "I have to protect her" after we had an issue, I asked, "From what?"  He got that deer in the headlights look on his face when he could not come up with a logical answer.  I'm not sure if it even registered with him at the time but like your DH, he started experiencing the backlash because he decided to stay married to me.  Consider that SD is 3 times as big as me,  and 5 times as vicious, so it was really hard to understand why she would need protection from me.  It's been 8 years since I heard this garbage.  If DH told me today that SD needed protection from me I'd laugh my a$$ off.

Congratulations for stepping out from the game.  It sounds like your DH has finally realized it is actually EASIER to make his marriage the top priority.  Life just gets better after that.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 01/03/2019 - 3:57pm

If I ever hear the protection line I'll be LMAO too though I doubt DH will go there again because I just won't play.  DH is making our marriage more of a priority but also himself.  He works so hard for everything he has and is finally realizing that he does grown ss no favors. I think he's seeing the entitlement, outstretched hand and getting tired of it.