Hmmmm? Something I noticed during a conversation with one of my BFFs.
I called one of my long time BFFs on Friday to catch up, schedule a meet up over the Holidays, and to wish he and his family a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. His mom is in her 80s and on her second marriage. His dad passed about 20 years ago. His mom and dad had been married for ~35+ years when his dad passed. My friend was in his early 30s when his dad passed.
During our conversation he referred to his "Stepfather". No vitriol, no drama, just respectful reference to his Stepfather. This man was not a father to him. His mom married his SF when he was in his early 40s. My friend has a continued strong relationship with his mom and he extends that to being respectful of her husband.
The delta between his relationship and respectful reference to his SF and how so many adult SKids we experience and hear about speak of, and to, their SParents stood out to me.
I take it as just another data point proving that toxic POS people are a write off. Particularly adults who cannot interface with rational calm and reasonable respect. There is no need for that crap and tolerating it makes no sense to me. Don't get me wrong. I am all in regarding meeting victriol with overwhelming pain and discomfort. But reasonable is so much more pleasant.
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays my fellow STalkers.
Sincere regards,
Rags
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Comments
It's easy to lose sight of
It's easy to lose sight of the fact that there are a whole spectrum of people and experiences. Not all step parents are bad.. not all bio parents and EXes are high conflict and not all of our SO's are necessarily disney parents!
One of my DH's closest childhood friends had a stepfather after his mother remarried (the boy's bio father actually committed suicide after being caught embezzling some money from his employer.. in a small town). His stepfather raised him as his own.. and even as far as put the stepson in his will as the estate executor because he didn't trust his own bio daughter. This step son was raised well and while I'm sure he wasn't perfect all the time, he did grow up to be a great member of the community and well respected.. and I think he credited his step father for being a real father for him.
So there are great stories out there.. it's just less likely those people come here to complain lol..
"it's just less likely those
"it's just less likely those people come here to complain lol"
Yep, I missed that part.
Thanks for the clarity.
There are some good stories
There are some good stories out there. My nephew(14) is a stepkid. My SIL (brother's wife) is an absolute godsend! They are one of the happiest, most normal families I know. My nephew love his "Mom". (She has raised him since he was around 3, no BM in the picture, brother has full custody and a permanent restraining order against his xW...) You would never find my SIL on these blogs.
My brother could not understand all my gripes and hair tearing frustration with my xH's kids. In this year, he has had to deal with exSD in a professional context... He understands now.
It's easy to lose sight of
It's easy to lose sight of the fact that while STalk draws people who are in dysfunctional step situations, not all step situations are dysfunctional.
I had a wonderful relationship with my SF. That poor man didn't have it easy. He married my mother only three months before my father died, so just when he got me squared away, Dad died and my wild, delinquent older sister (who had lived with our pushover dad) came back to live with us. SF had to cope with her toxic behavior - the drugs, stealing, running away and shady associates - and a wife who was focused on trying to save her older daughter. SF was the one who provided stability, attention and discipline for me; and was more of a parent to me than my mother at times. He, my mother and I were a successfully blended family; the times without sibling upheaval were the best and most normal of my childhood. I owe him a great deal.
Kudos to you for raising a great son, Rags. Merry Christmas..
Thanks for providing perspective!
My Stepfather and I have a great relationship - we are very close, he adopted me when I was 16, and he has always raised me as his own. I love that guy so much! Hes always been there for me and always will - I trust that.
Conversely, my DH's eldest, still living with her mother, Toxic Troll, doesnt even come out of her room during drop offs, will not speak to her own father, who as always been there for her - drove her to school every day, did her hair, bought her everything, provided special meals back when she was pescatarian. But now, she thinks he abused her. Hes never laid a hand on her, ever. She thinks that he picked me over her, even as he had previously been inviting her out for lunches and dinners. She didnt call him on his birthday or fathers day. Nothing.
It really does depend on the parenting. Some people are a$$holes, and some people are really good people.
I had a stepgrandad
And my father and his brother always treated him with respect as did we stepgrandkids