For the first time I told my husband I was disengaging
Last night over dinner my husband mentioned how he hadn't seen SS and the 3 grandkids since Halloween. We have just returned from my son's wedding which SS and wife skipped and never acknowledged in any way or has yet to ask about or even "like" a photo on Facebook. I came out and told DH I was hurt by this and other ways they have shown no interest. I acknowledging that I and my kids meant nothing to them and I understood that now. This conversation came about from my post in Adult Stepkids and the good advice I got there. I told him I didn't want to hurt him but from now on I wasn't going too put myself out to engage; like be enthusiastic when he wants to invite them over for dinner or go to one of his grandkids games. It was a good conversation and he feels they don't seem interested in him either. He understood! But at the same time made excuses for them. "Well wife wasn't raised by parents that knew how to teach manners, and she lost her dad when she was young (21) and may not want to get close with others", yada, yada. We have all lost people, both of my parents and DH's dad, and our own SS, that has nothing to do with them never showing interest in us. Then he said SS is just a blue collar guy that doesn't think about other people and basically gets a pass because of that. But hey, he really likes me! He said the grandkids loved me and needed someone like me in their life and we shouldn't deprive them of that because of their parents. So, I don't see anything changing at all but at least I spoke my feelings for once!
Interesting that he even
Interesting that he even brought that up as a topic of conversation. I mean, Halloween was only 2 weeks ago, which is not a long period of time.
I'm not a huge fan of
I'm not a huge fan of announcing disengagement so directly. It usually will tee up a situation where the bio parent will still try to defend their child. Disengagement is more a subtle ghosting.. when he brings the kids up you just kind of act bland.. Mmm hmmm... no opinion.. etc.
So when he says that he hasn't seen them in a while and asks you your thoughts. you shrug... "gee didn't notice.. hmm" and then change the subject to something more pleasant. Disengagement is more so that you dont' care or put yourself out for them.. not for others to notice or to effect a change in them.
^^^This^^^
The first rule of disengagement is, nobody talks about disengagement.
When we announce we are disengaging, it automatically puts our partner in a defensive position. We are imposing a change, we are making a unilateral decision that affects others. This can make us the bad guy. Much better to just fade back and gradually exit the equation.
I appreciate that but I have
I appreciate that but I have a history of holding things in and not communicating, and this had reached a point it needed to be explained. If I had acted disinterested in Christmas shopping or inviting them over for dinner he would have wondered and asked why anyway and it may have been a situation or mood where we would have both grown defensive. He appreciated the openness and honesty and I could tell this was the right time and way for us to talk about it.
Now that you know if you
Now that you know if you discuss your new plan , he will use it to talk up that POS skid and try to gaslight you into doing what he wants, keep the peace.
You are not able to solve this problem for him. This is how he raised his kids and he will have to reap what he sowed. It sucks that that the holidays are coming up but for you it can expose just how dysfunctional they all are. Just sit back and let it happen. Not one ounce of energy needs to put forth by you to achieve this. Practice shrugging your shoulders and being not interested. It really that easy. Indifference.
Let the excuses and
Let the excuses and justification for their crap begin. Don't let that slide. Rude is rude and there is no acceptable reason for it.
Blue collar does not make a person rude and neither does losing daddy at a young age.
Assholes! They need to be treated as what they are.
Enjoy rubbing DH's and the toxic breeders noses in the stench of their behavioral crap. There is no rational justification.
I hate it when these parents make excuses for their kids
Unacceptable behaviour. I’m a child of divorced parents, they divorced right after i finished high school but i was raised woth manners, empathy, i do not feel entitled or that the world owes me anything like these stepkids.
my husbands has always been the sole income earner and a really great job but was rarely at home. He knew exwife was neglecting the kids, not nurturing them and taking care of the household as a stay at home mum and he still stayed married to her for 14 yrs before divorcing her so he has enabled those kids behaviour to be what it is today and instead of addressing it and telling them this is what he expects, he has given up because he doesn’t want to deal with constantly reminding them, their constant answering back and disrespect, he doesn’t want the drama and wants an easy life and no fighting but that makes me feel kike he doesn’t care or respect me and our 2 toddlers
i feel the only way he can see what a screw up his kids with ex are and admit it openly is to see how our 2 kids are when older and how they are he complete opposite. Plenty of times i want to leave and walk away but like others said here, disengaging is not giving a stuff. When hubby says today is his sons birthday ot he got good grades at highschool, there is no response or well wishes from me, why should i give them to him when he’s ignored me in the same house for 4 years and not acknowledged our kids.
When hubby has prearranged visits with his kids from ex weeks in advance without telling me is this conflicting with other things we need done urgently like kids vaccinations that he held off for several months now as “too busy” but kids from ex say they’re free and instantly he’s available, that beyond angers me. So i refuse to attend any events with his kids, why should i when me and our kids will sit there being completely ignored while i ponder how much happier i would be at home playing and spending time with our kids and getting stuff done. Wasting a whole day with them is a total waste
You hit the nail on the head!
Ex wife didn't nuture their kids either. My youngest SS never even had a friend in high school he did anything with. Not one date, sleep over, movie or mischief with friends, and DH and EW never acted like this was odd. Always just stayed in his room and read books or played video games 7 nights a week, 365 days a year. She was a SAHM who drank wine, hung out at the pool with friends and tended to herself from what my friends know of her back then. DH said he usually didn't get anything for Father's Day from her or the kids. DH however is warm and very good to me and my children. His kids have never been ugly or mean to me, just don't acknowledge or reciprocate what I, and we, do for them. He too, stayed married like yours in the same situation just keeping the peace.