First, I want to say that you are very self-actualized and that is a wonderful thing.  But, you're right... you do lose a part of your autonomy as a step-parent.  Someone else has a say (BM) to some degree... and you are stuck dealing with them.

I think that therapy should be for just you though.  You are the one that is struggling with the ready-made family you have walked into.  You are the only one that can decide if you can come to terms with it. 

At least that's just my opinion.  I feel for you because I was always the one with the kids and now the shoe is on the other foot and I'm going stir crazy.

I don't really have additional suggestions on how to handle this, but I can say that I know exactly where you are coming from. I had the same kind of complicated childhood, and never felt a part of a real family. I wasn't close to anyone. My mom left and my dad was only a parent 30% of the time (he would leave us alone to the point that we were taken away and put in a foster home for a while). I never wanted my own kids. I'm also missing the maternal instinct. However, unlike you, I somewhat delusionally thought that I would like to date a man with kids. Ha! I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my SO, but I underestimated how difficult the skids situation would be. You seem to have realized it already, and have a harder time with it than I do (and I have a really hard time with it). And yes, there always is the aspect of feeling left out, especially when you have never really felt included in any family.  All I know is that it never seems to go away.

I suspect you might be struggling with it so much that it may be too hard for you to ever truly accept it and be happy in this relationship with his kids. It doesn't get easier. So if you look at this at face-value- this situation, for the rest of your life....can you do it? Maybe counseling will help you get over some internal struggles you have and make the answer clearer, but no matter what, step life is HARD. I don't envy you being in this position. Especially when you have such love for your SO.

Please let us know what you decide! Good luck!

If he cannot be your equity life partner and the two of you cannot team to put each other and the marriage first, always, as the only top priority, then don't waste your time.

While kids should be the top marrital responsibility, they never displace the marriage or partners as the priority.

In an equity life partnership the SOs are also equity parents to any children in the mix regardless of kid biology.  This is another absolute requirement. If you or he cannot embrace this then don't waste your time.

This model has worked well for my bride, our son (my former SS-26 that I adopted when he was 22), and I.

«It's all dandy for him, he would get to have his wife and his son by his side at the same time instead of separatly.»

I felt the same way about living with my SO and SDnow18. My problem was, she never had consequences for her actions. So when we started talking about living together, I needed to know what would happen in certain situations (ex: what if she doesn't do as she's told, what if she doesn't help aroud the house, etc). These conversations were impossible to have with my SO. The mere fact that I asked these questions made him defensive and almost angry. As I was unloading the pressure of sharing my fears with him, the pressure was mounting on him and he just couldn't (or wouldn't) answer my questions.

Since I couldn't be reassured, I decided to stay put, and after 4 years we are still dating and living separately. He now understands how I feel and we plan on living together after SD launches, which should take a few years.

So, IMO, a deciding factor for you could be, are you able to talk to your SO about your fears? Can you make plans about how things will be? If your SO is like mine was and just says «everything will be fine, why should we talk about it?», that spells trouble. If that is the case, I can see why you would want to talk about it with a therapist. You all living together will require efforts on everybody's part, not just you, and he needs to understand that.

Bleh. Sound like you are super stressed at just the thought of it. Constant stress is exhausting. EXHAUSTING! Not to meantion constant stress can cause a lot of physical health problems.

Think long and hard about this.

I think you’re asking all the right questions and your instinct is right. Step-life isn’t for everyone, hell—it’s for basically no one haha. BUT, there are those people who enjoy it (probably few and far between) and then those of us who have come up with a solution that works, at least for the most part. Then there’s those who recognize they could not ever be in a step family and THAT’S OK. In fact, that’s probably the most sane thing you could do for yourself is recognize early on, or at least before you’re living under one roof that it doesn’t always work out, even in couples who have the best of intentions.

That said, there’s not many details in your post about your SO’s parenting style, his true interaction with BM, how you all have managed so far, etc. So it is hard to say with certainty—but it sounds like he wants to understand your POV and is willing to meet you in the middle, at least emotionally. That’s pretty huge, and I know many of this site and IRL who wish their partner would give them THAT courtesy. So, instead of ending a long relationship just yet—I’d agree that if you two could do counseling and really get to the root of why (1) you felt lonely in your family growing up and that loneliness has followed you into adulthood/ this relationship and (2) why this role is a tough one for you to step into [and have some backup from the counselor of it definitely being a challenging role]; then I think there’s hope that you could come to a compromise or a solution.

Once you’ve explored some of the options with a professional—then you’ll be able to make the call on if you want to continue in a relationship with him.

I will say that loneliness and feelings of 3rd wheel are really, really common for step parents, so that’s just something that comes with the territory… unfortunately.

For a bright note:

I can say that it doesn’t always get easier—BUT, it doesn’t always get worse, if that makes sense. You’ll find a lot of varying investment from step parents all across the board (here and IRL). Some are super involved, some have no involvement whatsoever, and some of us hang out in the middle somewhere and pick and choose what we invest in. For me, that’s been the best “solution” I have found, and DH is on board with it. I get my quiet time when I need it, DH does all the heavy parenting, DH also puts BM on the backburner and doesn’t let her rule the roost, and his kid is, for the most part, not bad to be around. when we lived separately, I did feel more lonely-- and once we all moved in under the same roof- I noticed that I felt more cohesive and those feelings of 3rd wheeling it subsided. DH was great though about making sure the home was just as much mine as his and his kids-- and that was KEY. There was an adjustment period, and days where I wish it was just me and him. Truth be told, he's admitted there's days it is just us two because having a part time house guest makes things really complicated-- so as long as your SO can be realistic about the situation, I think there's hope.

Sure, I wish we didn’t have to be tethered to another family and we could have our own without the strings attached elsewhere, but we make it work and it ISN’T complete misery. In fact—I’m very happy in my marriage and I treat step parenthood and my marriage as two separate things. One I could do without and one I really couldn’t live without. So, because of that factor and that I truly do feel like I met and am with my forever partner, I was able to be flexible to my plans on what I felt like my family would look like. That’s just me, and I don’t expect anyone else to do or feel the same—and I certainly wouldn’t judge or do anything but be really supportive of a person who decided that this life really wasn’t for them.

Sorry this was so long! I get wordy

Listen to your inner voice - it sounds like it is screaming that this situation is NOT for you.   You are trying to quiet that voice with your therapy and logic, which is most admirable ... but may be the wrong approach.  

I think a BIG issue is the fact that the high-conflict BM is going to influence this situation more than you realize especially when/if you marry and become a part of DH's permanent household.  It may not be so difficult right now but once BM realizes you are in for the long-haul she very likely will interject herself and cause problems.  The primary means of doing so will be the boy.  Consider her a silently boiling volcano which will erupt all over YOUR life.   

I would not give up my lease on my apartment.  You said you "talked about separating" with your fiance - did he bring it up or did you?  Either way, it sounds like there are doubts in this relationship.  And there should be.  

Your 21-year-old self knew that you didn't want children of your own and your late 30's self knows the same thing.  You are trying to dismiss your fundamental knowledge of your own self in order to have a relationship with this man, so no wonder you are conflicted.  You are not listening to yourself!   You don't want your own children, why in the world would you want your daily life FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to include someone else's?

Go over to the Adults Stepkid section here.  Read the stories of SM's (many of them without bio children, me included) and the problems that STILL go on with skids long after they become adults.

If you marry this man, you are marrying the boy too.  And whatever he gets into the rest of his life, good or bad.  And whomever he marries.  And whatever grandskids there are.   Your fiance will always have a front seat for all of it and will be included, but you will not.   While there are rare cases where SM's are accepted, it is usually not the case.  You will also have to deal with BM being around in these situations for the rest of your life, too.

Keep your apartment.  Start your OWN business (without your fiance) and first and foremost, listen to your OWN voice.

i can’t express what it felt like to read your post. 

literally exactly how i feel. and an extremely similar situation. (my only difference is that i actually want kids of my own.) i resist commiting to partner of over 6yrs(he has two kids, 50/50 custody) because i cannot imagine having his stepkids living with me, i hate the idea of being an outsider in my own home. i hate the thought of having them come in and out, of never feeling fully at home in my family.

“It's all dandy for him, he would get to have his wife and his son by his side at the same time instead of separatly.”

i feel this exact feeling daily. my partner sounds so similar to yours in that he’s super supportive of and patient with my struggle. but he also has the mentality that “it will all work out and if we got married we’d figure it out.” and then i get enraged,feeling like it’s easy for him to think that because he doesn’t have to give anything up. then i feel guilt for feeling that way.

but i feel paralyzed. the thought of living w them hasn’t become more tolerable with time. i go to therapy to sort through it all, but still feel incredibly unresolved. it’s a constant question of “can i live with this? could i really choose this life? or should i find a partner without kids?”

i cant tell if my apprehension is my instinct telling me to leave (it’s been almost 7 years and i love this man deeply), or if it’s something i need to just let go of (my inability to accept the kids as family and live with them) and move forward with him. 

i’ve read ever stepparenting book/article/blog out there and i still feel like, “i get the issues and can see solutions but i still can’t live with them.” 

sometimes just the mention of the kids will make me feel angry/upset/depressed—not because i’m mad that he’s talking about them, but because they feel like a barrier to the life i want. i am terrified that if i were to marry him and move in with the kids, i’d want to run.

and then i think: but maybe i just need to let go of my hope for that life and embrace this life i could have with them. 

and so, the cycle of feeling stuck and frustrated continues. and, once again, i’m wide awake looking for comfort and understanding on stepparent forums, trying to make peace with it or find resolve.

you are not alone. not at all.  xo