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keeps getting worse

bookgirl's picture

Submitted by bookgirl on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 5:54pm

SKs are extending their stay for another night. I went off on DH today. I feel like I have no control over my own home right now.
The night before last DH had one of our worst fights ever, so no sleep. Last night I had my in laws come over AFTER BS was in bed, stay until midnight to see SKs (seriously, why don't they just go to BM's house to see them? They clearly have no interest in BS, who is their biological grandson too) so no sleep. Now more SKs & I got in trouble last night for telling them I won't put up with them coming into my room all morning long. Has DH gone completely retarded? What part of I'm pregnant, I need sleep is he not getting? I even tried to sneak off on my dinner break to get a nap at my mom's house & he's mad that I'm not rushing home to him & SKs. What part of watching SS pick his nose while his lazy eye rolls around to glare at me is supposed to be appealing? DH gets mad when I so much as leave the room when they're visiting, yet he swears he'd let me rest there. I seriously want to go get BS & not go home tonight.

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Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 6:30pm

Is it the kids you hate, or the way the adults (BM and DH) are handling the situation? Is it DH's actions you hate?

Too often, DHs put too much responsibility on the SMs, which causes us to get angry and resentful, and to place some (or much of) the resentment on the kids. That, in turn, causes the kids to resent us right back, if they already didn't anyway.

I think that when this happens, the resentment builds up for us SMs to the point where we cannot differentiate normal kid behavior from just plain bad behavior. It's normal for skids to feel dislike, or maybe even hatred, for their stepparents. After all, their parents' marrying us means that their parents won't be getting back together. That's a tough pill for any human to swallow. So I think it's human to feel those things. But DH needs to teach them how to appropriately vent those feelings, and that rolling their eyes at you/doing other rude things towards you is not acceptable.

Have you ever considered getting family counseling? Even if that won't work, you could seek counseling for yourself. I know that counseling really helped me to figure out who should bear the brunt of the blame in these situations. If DH isn't respecting your wishes and is forcing too much upon you, then he is mostly to blame. I'm not saying that the skids shouldn't be held accountable for their behavior. They should. But I think that too often, the dads toss all the responsibility onto the SMs when it is they (the dads) who should be helping everyone to acclimate to the blended family situation.

Snowflake's picture

Submitted by Snowflake on Thu, 04/01/2010 - 6:54pm

I had to sit down with a therapist to get it into my dh's head that I had nothing against his kids.. it was bounderies that needed to be set up for me to enjoy my life and my home.

Now we have a 24 hour rule... If BM calls and tells us she wants us to have them for another day.. the answer is no. Unless she has been in a tragic accident and is in the hopsital and her family can't rush to take pick up the kids. Why? Because it is my house and my life. I need to know what is going on it. And even if I plan to have a lazy day the next day with my hubby, than those are my plans. And also, I must be consulted on any changes to the schedule.

Such as DH did not consult me when he thought that his kids were going to come over on Easter to my family. Um no... I am your wife, you need to consult me on any such plans, even if my fam invites your kids. Don't tell BM our plans, its none of her darn bees-wax!!! If she wants to tell you her plans for your kids, than great for the update.

Anywho... another thing we had to get straight... NO KIDS IN OUR BED!!! Not sleeping... not awake!!! He went a step further and put a lock on the door, so little guys do not walk in while we are... holding each other very closely. So I guess we have the rule of no kids in the bedroom now.

And we have the rule of, be quiet when the babies trying to go to sleep. That is because we all suffer if we have to hear her cry though. Smile

Perhaps you just have to sit down with your DH and give him a set of some reasonable rules... and then sit down with him and the kids. I put it to the kids this way... If you want to disrespect me and manke me angry by being rude mean and nasty, do you think that I want to be nice to you or that I want to be angry mean and nasty to you. Or if you are nice and respectful to me, don't you think that I would want to be nice to you and give you some treats? Would you disrespect your teachers? A policeman? Then why would you disrespect me? We are going to know eahc other for a long time... so we need to start at least being respectful of each other. ANd they kind of got that.