Should I call it a day?
I've been with my other half for nearly five years. He has a daughter, so do I. For the first year or so our relationship was amazing, he was so hands on with my daughter, truly believed the answer to a happy family was a happy couple and took time to focus on us. Then his ex got a new bf and he couldn't handle a man being close to his daughter. He did two things, suddenly contacted his daughter every five mins and withdrew from my daughter (theory being if he backed off playing happy families, somehow he could insist his ex's new man have endless rules and restrictions). His ex never really cared about the guy she was with, is still in love with my OH and relished the power she gained from using her daughter as a tool. This was then amplified with the bf situation and since then we have become more and more a family of two halves, his and hers kids. His daughter is cut from the same cloth as her mother, is so manipulative, lies all the time, knows exactly how to pull Daddy's strings. And my daughter has been cast aside in her own home (he moved in with us). The whole thing is a mess. I have communicated with him... A number of times... He tries for maybe a week and then it all fizzles out. We are so low on his priorities list now and I spend my life waiting for him to come home from whatever he is doing with his daughter, or from making up all the hours he spends with her on the other days. We used to talk about marriage and children now we don't. I won't sell my house and buy a property with him because I can't stand the thought of having that child dominate full time... And he will have her move in, or at least 50% of the time. A situation came up recently where his brothers and sisters are organising a family photo... And we're not included. It seems petty but if there was a future, if we were one unit, it would be a no brainer after five years. Problem is I still love him, we still have amazing holidays together just the two of us... And I'm hanging onto the hope that one day we'll get things back. Thinking about kicking him out is so final and the hardest decision in the world... Yet I'm living in limbo with my life on hold and I'm not getting any younger. Just looking for advice or sharing of similar experiences really.... I've been feeling like this for two years at least... I don't want to have regrets if I call it quits... But it can't keep going on forever either.... Help!
You know in your heart what
You know in your heart what you need to do.
I wish I did. So many times I
I wish I did. So many times I've almost ended it and then my heart tells me to stop... I'm normally so good at knowing deep down what I need to do and doing it. I wish I could erase his daughter and his ex. I feel ashamed to say it, but I wish it could go back to the three of us the way it was... I can't bear to lose him but I can't bear to carry on like this either.
Well, the fact that he
Well, the fact that he changed when BM got a boyfriend is pretty disconcerting. DH was relieved when BM got a boyfriend because it meant she would harrass us less and the BF/now husband is good to the kids. He was happy that the kids have someone normal to be around while with their BM.
I don't know. I just don't like the feeling I get reading that your BF's ex still has beelings for him and he got jealous when she got into a relationship.
I genuinely don't think it
I genuinely don't think it was about her... He really despises her but she uses their daughter as a tool. He was happy (or not bothered) when she got a bf, not so happy when his daughter kept saying his name all the time. I know there's nothing from his side on that front, he's shown me texts when he has literally told her to back off when she sends messages that are not related to their child. I know he loves me... I know I can't ask him to spend less time with his daughter... I just feel so stuck.
How sad. It shouldn't have
How sad. It shouldn't have taken your SO his ex getting a boyfriend for him to want to be more involved in his daughter's life. And then to not include your daughter anymore.. It's upsetting..your poor daughter. I agree with 'Areyou' above and you know in your heart what you need to do. :( Obviously I don't know the story of why they split to begin with but he seems to have some jealousy issues, whether it be with his ex or his daughter or both, and he needs to be able to move on from that. And the ex having that much control is never good. You will feel miserable always coming last. I feel unless you sit down and talk with him (again) and tell him that you need to do things as a family (or something?) that you may not see a future for yourselves anymore. How difficult. I'm sorry
I also feel that you won't have regrets because you will make the right decision.
You have already admitted to
You have already admitted to feeling this way for 2 years. How many more are you going to waste feeling like this? Are you willing to endure some pain this year to be in a different place a year from now?
That's the real question and you might need to find a therapist to help you figure it out.
Thank you, I think a
Thank you, I think a therapist might help find some clarity... I'm not willing to waste another two years... And yet time just keeps on drifting by. I don't want my daughter to only see dysfunctional relationships, I also need to look at what I can change... Rather than just sitting on the sidelines and watching it all happen.
Maybe you and your wife
Maybe you and your wife should try a few sessions with a marriage counselor to navigate this. There's lots going on here and some help to navigate it may be needed.
Yeah... I think counselling
Yeah... I think counselling is probably a good idea... Although probably separately first. Thank you.
You've tried talking to him,
You've tried talking to him, and he makes changes and then goes back to his old ways after a week. Then what do you do? Do you call him out on his regression? Or sigh and try to accept it? Change is hard.
If he can't sustain the changes you need, then I don't see too many options. I agree with seeing a therapist to help sort out what it is that you really do need and get a plan of action together so you can get back to being happy.
Lordy, we lose our dang way when we get involved in these difficult relationships and then have to fight back just so we can recognize ourselves. I'm never going to get lost again -- and just this morning I pointed out an old behavior of my DH that bugs me.. Several years ago I would have just tried to ignore it. Today we had a two-minute conversation and it was over. MUCH healthier.