Therapy can be a very great tool. The biggest factor is finding a therapist that suits you as a couple and being open to the process. If this therapist doesn't feel right, find another until it does. I don't know of what your guy's problems are however a few things that have helped my husband and I are:

• The rules of fair fighting
• 5 love languages
• Couples skills (second edition) by Matthew McKay 

The last two are books that can be bought on Amazon for pretty cheap and the first one can be found online for free. We found that most of the time our miscommunications cause unnecessary fights.

Hopefully, this helps and therapy is successful for you guys. It did for us and we've decided to continue going a minimum of once a month just so we stay on track. Oh, and no matter how difficult the session may be, hug afterward. Sounds silly- but it's effective.

I'll tell you how we did it.

The basic outlines is:

give a general overview of the problem from both sides and what you want from therapist;

give specific examples to illustrate the problem, how it was handled, what was problematic for each of you about how it was handled;

then in subsequent sessions, give specific examples of what caused conflict since your last therapy session;

and most important: ***get specific directions for how to handle similar scenarios when they come up.***

So, start by telling the therapist what you want from him/her: "we need help figuring out what's fair regarding finances and his daughter, because I resent that our money is supporting her jet-setting lifestyle."

Your husband might give his rebuttal: "I resent my wife telling me how to spend my money on my kid."

Then give examples of the problem: "SD is 24, has a great job, and he's still paying her rent when we're struggling to make ends meet."

Then narrow it down to specific issues you had that really tore you guys apart since you last saw the therapist : "Two days ago, SD called and asked him to buy her a $2200 plane ticket to Dubai so she could visit her mom's family and he said yes without even consulting with me."

Maybe here your husband will tell the therapist whatever lame excuse he has for doing such a stupid thing.

The therapist will talk you though your positions, your motivations, blah, blah, blah.

But at some point, if the therapist doesn't offer it, you must get the bottom line on who is wrong: Is it appropriate/OK/unfair/damaging to the marriage for your husband to buy SD a $2200 plane ticket without consulting you? You need to know this because your husband needs to hear clearly that he's wrong. Or, you need to hear clearly that you're wrong. Do not leave that session without getting this from the therapist because the therapist is a referee who is helping you both set realistic, fair expectations for the marriage. So, which of you is out of bounds?

***And here's the most important part to take home: how do you both change your behavior so there's less conflict? How do you change SD's expectations so she stops asking for $$$ and causing marital conflict?

That is, if it's not appropriate for your husband to pay for SD's plane ticket , exactly how does your husband stop it? (Because if yours is like our situation, SD has been calling the shots for years and your husband lets her have her way out of guilt, so how does he get past the guilt?) How does he set a new boundary after he's been doing it this way for so long? What should you do if he repeats the same bad behavior? How can you let him know he's about to make the same old mistake with SD without angering him? In other words, how do you fight fairly and constructively -- because this isn't going to be solved overnight.

When we went to a therapist, one issue was SD's constantly calling at all hours, even on our honeymoon. We went through the process above. The therapist said to my husband, SD is asking too much of you and should not be calling you every day when she's 24 years old. She should have friends, a boyfriend, her mom -- other people in her life whom she can call. Call her twice a week for no moer than 10-15 minutes. When you're on your honeymoon, at a dinner party, watching a movie, etc., the phone is off and she can leave a message. When you're free, you can return her call if it's important. If it's not important, call her on your normal call schedule for 10-15 minutes, but not when you've set aside time with your wife or you're in the middle of a business meeting. Boundaries!

My husband really fretted about setting this boundary with SD. It was as if he was scared of SD's reaction if he didn't pickup the phone. So the therapist told him exactly what to say if SD pitched a fit: "Honey, I was with Marblefawn at a play and I had my phone off. Why didn't you call your boyfriend to talk about your promotion?" It was to gently remove SD's expectation that he would always answer after years of always answering, as well as suggest to her that she dump some of her neediness on others.

I told you all this because we did really get some useful things out of therapy. For me, I heard repeatedly that I wasn't asking too much of my husband -- my expectations were normal. For my husband, he heard that my expectations were normal and if he didn't shift his priority to our marriage, he'd end up divorced again -- he had to put SD in her place, which is the place of an adult SD, not a toddler who needs hand holding.

I remember talking with my husband in the days leading up to therapy about what we should present to the therapist. That 60 minutes goes fast and we wanted to get the most out of it. The therapist will guide you through the process too. But for what we had to pay to see a therapist, I thought it prudent to have out act together so we could cut right to the heart of the problem. You don't want to waste time on things that aren't critical.

By the way, you can go for a few sessions, take a break and then make a few more appointments if you need more refereeing. I actually think that's a good way to do so you have time to see if you're making headway.

I don't think you can "use a therapist well" because most of the time they have their own agenda - although they shouldn't have. DH and I went for about 6 sessions recently and I have masses of experience of therapy in the past too.  

Although at the first session I judged her to be reasonably good (I used to be a counsellor for the same British couple counselling organisation) - she nevertheless had little clue about step families, and was a bit too keen on the idea of forgiveness for my liking.  

I think if after giving the therapist a fair trial - say 3 sessions - if you feel that he/she is not on your wavelength or is pushing their own agenda - look for someone else. 

I agree with Eb523 that one of the most important things for a couple is fair fighting.  Learn the rules of fair fighting, follow them, and insist your partner does also.  You can find them easily on the interwebs. 

Yes!  This: "I think if after giving the therapist a fair trial - say 3 sessions - if you feel that he/she is not on your wavelength or is pushing their own agenda - look for someone else."

1. Go prepared with what you want to focus on. But be flexible if the therapist identifies an issue that surfaces out of the discussion that you may not have insight about.

2. Communication patterns are the issue, not the content or subject that you are concerned about.l such as money or kid behavior.

3. One person cannot be the problem. Everyone has a role to play.

4. The other persons behavior isn’t to be labeled “bad”.

5. Change happens from within. You can’t expect the other person to change for you. You can only change you.

When DH and I first went to counseling I communicated what I was having problems with - essentially his prioritizing of his daughter over our marriage, DH's lack of affection, DH's refusal to address SD's abusive behavior with me.  The counselor took my side and asked DH if he wanted to be married or not.  The next counselor we went to worked for an HMO so his main objective was to smooth the waters and get us out of there.  The third time I asked DH to go to counselling was when SD had her meltdown and he ran out the door.  He refused to go.  So I went on my own - and THIS made the biggest difference in resolving the issues in our marriage.

I agree it is good to make sure the Therapist is on the same page as you and has an honest desire to address problems.  If you find one who is familiar with blended families and seems to click with both of you that is ideal.  But if this doesn't work out, consider going to a therapist on your own.  Good luck and keep us posted.