After asking my husband to curtail contat with SD21 until we had our "chat" about her boundaries, we are in an intersting place.

DH and I sat down with SD21 at my brothers, where she is renting a room.  Which was the plan before she moved here.

DH started the conversation with boundaries.  He was firm, but no where near what I would have been.  He asked if I had something to say.  OH YES I DO!  Told SD21 that her texting about our sex life to DH was not only inapproprate, it was NOT happening again.  Explained that our sexlife and financial details are not and never will be a topic of discussion for her on any terms.  Told her that DH and I are married and we are most important to eachother.  Second, our bio minor children take priority over SD21 because that are MINORS and require our attention. 

SD21 tried to toss in my face the fact that I asked them to reduce contact until we all talked.  Let her know that if this was going to be on ongoing problem for her and if she could not get over it, she should move back to Colorado.   She gave me the evil eye stare down. I mastered that years ago.  She was never going to win that mini power struggle.  

We also told her that DH and I with our kids are a family.  We don't exclude people from family activities so there was NO way the two of them are going to have a separate relationship from the whole family.  Everyone gets an invite to activities, or it is a NO GO.   She was annoyed, but I think she realized that she was not going to win against my requirement.  DH was in agreement with this and we discussed prior to the meeting. I have no trust in her, there for she is gaslighting our relationship.  Until I am comfortable with us getting to know her, that is how it will have to be.  

Crossing my fingers that she will go back to CO and have a phone relationship with DH.  She just has SO many emotional and personal issues.  Told us that at 20, she was snuggling and sleeping in her mom's bed.   Stepdad works nights. Told us she has had both male and female partners.  Said her mom was her best friend.  She basically confirmed my comments that I felt that BM, Stepdad, and SD21 were more like a married group of 3.   This has caused SD21 so many issues.

DH suggest that all three of us go to counciling to figure out how to have appropriate relationships with eachother.  This is not going to be my thing to schedule and figure out.  We will see if he actually makes any appointments - was supposed to on Monday.  I didn't hear any news.   I am not paying for longterm counciling for SD21.  If DH wants to, he is welcome to get another job to pay for them.  I am the larger breadwinner by double and I prefer to take care of our bios and my future with my $$. (ANNOYED!)