Just Tired
Im just so tired right now. I never that it would be this hard having a SD. I literally just want to scream. My SD(12) has been with us almost a week and I want to go to a hotel. I feel like I have no control and there are no restrictions put on her. She barely cleans up behind herself and when she does it halfway. She always wants to do what she wants but when asked to doing anything educational or house work she cant seem to figure out how to do it and acts as if we are annoying her. My DH doesnt seemed bothered by any of it. He will tell her to do something, she will act like she did it and keep moving. He never checks or corrects what she does wrong. How do I disengage?? I literally have to do something cause its driving my crazy. I try to keep a clean and organized house and everytime she comes that just goes out the window. We have kids together and I really dont want them to think that this is ok. He tells me to discipline, but im tired of saying the same thing over and over again and being looked at like a crazy person cause she picks up 1 thing and says the room is clean....ugh...I need advice!
It sort of sounds like normal
It sort of sounds like normal 12-year-old behavior. My sister's kids never picked up a thing -- would just get up and leave the table walking by the sink and not carrying a thing with them.
When I sat for her kids, I beat on their ears every meal: Don't just get up! Take it to the sink, rinse it, put it in dishwasher! They actually started doing it. Then the first meal my sister ate with us after her trip, the kids started to pickup their dirty dishes and she actuallly said, "It's OK, Andy. Just leave the dishes." I couldn't believe it!
SD's coming from a different household where she probably doesn't have to do anything. None of these kids have any chores anymore. I don't think your kids will learn her habits if you keep on them from an early age, but you'll probably eventually hear, "But SD doesn't have to do it!"
The thing about disengaging is, it doesn't get rid of the mess, and it sounds like the mess is what you really mind.
Maybe you should invest in the long haul of training SD and your husband: every time something isn't picked up, get on him to get on her. He will get sick of you getting on him, and she will get sick of him getting on her...maybe...
Another option...
When we were kids, my mom put a giant box in the garage and anything that wasn't picked up on the first request got dumped in the box. SD might not like having to fetch her busted, wrinkled stuff from the garage when she wants it. It never worked on my sister, but it did work on my brother and me.
It sounds as if you need to find a way to make this your husband's problem too so you're not the only one keeping after her.
I am in the same position as
I am in the same position as OP, and I sat down with my SO the other day and said, I’m going to ask you for help...SD9 is constantly leaving her crap all Over the house, and I’m constantly telling her to pick it up. I even nicely said to her last week, look SD, you are old enough to pick your stuff up without us having to tell you, and it literally drives me crazy seeing it laying all over...you need to really make an effort to pick it up, ok? And she said she understands and she would try.
She did not try.
So when I brought up to my SO how it’s really frustrating, he says that he tells her to pick it up too (he does, sometimes), and that “she’s a kid, you just need to stay on her about it and keep telling her”. Me: ok, but what if we put a bag in the garage, and if she leaves crap laying around, it goes in the bag and she has to go get it. Him: *annoyed* says, you just need to keep telling her, now you just want to take her stuff away??
OMG. I said, it’s not like it’s forever! And maybe she will learn! I’m sick of asking! But he acted like I am some monster for wanting to put her stuff in the garage. I said, people do this! It’s totally a thing!
Then later I asked her FOUR times to take her stuff upstairs and she never did. We were cleaning the house for HER bday party....so a little later I asked if she had taken it up. She said no. I said, Seriously?!? I mean, 4 times?? She walks off kind of pouty-looking and Of course my SO walks in then and sees her pouty, and heard me say Seriously...and he is all over my shit. I’m the bad guy, it’s ridiculous that I said that to her, now she’s upstairs crying (she wasn’t). I was like, I asked her 4 times...yes, at some point anyone would get exasperated, and i didn’t even yell at her! I said Seriously! But heaven forbid anyone get annoyed at his precious baby, unless it’s him. I honestly am at the end of my rope too.
its DH responsibility to discipline
He should be the one disciplining for SD not doing what shes told. I went about it the wrong way when my skids moved in and was the disciplinary and that had a huge impact on our nonexistent relationship now. I should have let my HD discipline them.... now, 3 yrs later, its to late and my relationship with them has gone only down hill. I detached a month ago.
Your DH needs to step up.
It’s ok to give the child
It’s ok to give the child directives. “Do this, don’t do that”. Leave the disciplining to DH but you can give SD directives. You feel resentful because you feel you have no power.