How do I address a topic of conflict with BIO mom?
SO.... My boyfriend was married to the kids mother for 6 months but they were together off and on for 5 years. They divorced right after their youngest son was born. There's a long list of issues with my boyfriends ex-wife/baby mama BUT this is the most recent.... Me and my boyfriend were out of town this weekend visiting my family. It was the kids weekend with their mother, who now, lives in the same town as us about 20 blocks away. When we returned home last night both of our neighbors approached us saying that my boyfriends middle child (who just turned 8 yesterday) rode his bike with his 2 friends over to our house, went in our privacy-fenced back yard and were jumping on the trampoline. One of our neighbors has kids and was invited over to play with my boyfriends kid. The neighbor told his child "No, because his dad's not even home and I'm not sure he's supposed to be over there." That's when the 3 kids left the house and took off on their bikes. I AM LIVID.
Rewind a little bit ..............There have been several occasions where I have either dropped off the kids or picked them up and the BIO mom has NO IDEA where they are... I had to search an entire apartment complex by myself to find her daughter because she had strep throat and said she was too sick so she sent them outside. They live in a sketchy apartment and she has told me that she was afraid that this mentally handicapped guy was stalking her. He has walked into her apartment because she let her youngest child open the door and the guy walked in and sat right down on the couch. The last time I was dropping off her daughter from softball practice the 5 year old was in the middle of the apartment complex "courtyard" which faces her apartment sliding glass window. & her 7 year old, at the time, was on the other side of the building sitting in a truck bed with 2 other little boys & she was no where to be found. Her blinds weren't even open. AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!
Moving on... there are two busy streets that her 8 year old would have had to cross to get to our house & the "what if's" in this scenario make me sick to my stomach. If he or any of his friends would have broken their neck or arm or anything they wouldn't have any adults there. We don't have a net around our trampoline. & the town we live in is the 3rd biggest sex trafficing and child abduction cities in Nebraska. I don't know how to address this with BM .. she will immediately take offense to it and try to use stuff that happened in the past when she was married to my boyfriend & it sometimes is completely pointless to talk to her.. .because she doesn't listen to anything you have to say. She's always the victim and she tells the kids that me and my boyfriend are "mean" to her.. The kids do not have respect for her what-so-ever. She has had to call us to parent for her several times & we always support her when it comes to disciplining the kids. Because I think it's important for them to see that. She has also called the cops on her 10 year old daughter 3 times and the cop has made a comment to her "I don't usually get called to parent for people, you need to figure out a better way to do this." Which, did not go over well with her.
Anytime my boyfriend talks to her he is always a complete @$$hole because he can't stand her - she tries to manipulate everything. How do I approach this subject with her? She responds better to me and better in person.
Ideally your BF deals with
Ideally your BF deals with his EX. But, if you truly are able to communicate with her better and are willing to try to approach her on this, then that is absolutely your call.
One thing I would suggest though is to get rid of that trampoline. It has no safety net.. and homeowners insurance is usually higher when you have one. It is also what's called an attractive nuisance. It is something that would reasonably be thought of as enticing to outside persons... and if they come into your yard (even without permission) you may still be liable for their injury unless you took concrete steps to prevent access to it by building a fence around it etc... like you would do with a pool. It's truly one of those items that is really not worth the high risk of injury or death by the kids using it.
Ok.. so now on to the issue where the kids came over without permission. Number one, the children should absolutely understand that they are not permitted to come over to the home without calling first to insure it is ok and that an adult is present. And in fact, it would most likely require them getting picked up. To be honest, that is probably the front line and easiest way to deal with it. If the kid is able to get to the house on his own, he is old enough to understand that he must call and ask permission to come over.
If you think that the mom needs to be clued in too, you can reiterate this to her and explain your concerns about the travel to the house as well as the fact that you don't want the kids there when no one is home to supervise. Of course, this is probably almost useless anyway as it seems like the kids pretty much free range with her anyway and she likely had no idea this even happened. For this reason, I'm not sure talking to her would make any difference... so I would focus on telling the kids that they aren't allowed to make the trip without an adult knowing what's going on.... as in your BF.
thank you
We do have a like 6-8 ft privacy fence in our back yard and it has a gate that is always locked. My boyfriends son is the only one who is tall enough to reach it out of the kids.
thank you for your advice on the matter!
Maybe you could start out
Maybe you could start out with something alsong the lines of: "We know the kids are getting older and are expanding their boundaries. I know we all want them to be safe, how would you feel about sitting down together to draw out clear boundary lines of where the kids can go and where they can't? Coming all the way to our house unattended is very dangerous." You can also throw in " I know you are concered about the mentally handicapped man in your neighborhood. How are you keeping the kids safe from him or anyone else that could be a danger?"
If you don't like her answers or how she responds start documenting, start filming looking for the kids, then start CPS calls and let her know that you guys are keeping tabs.
Call CPS, and keep calling
Call CPS, and keep calling them until they take these kids away from this waste of skin womb donor. Your BF should have custody and protect his children. Even from their own mother.
smh