Oblivious? Or deflecting

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Things have been relatively smooth around our house lately. I am learning to disengage and try to let go of a lot. It has definitely helped me. If you have read any of my past posts, you have seen my main problems have been with SD14 and my DHs lack of parenting. He has definitely made improvements, but I honestly can't figure out if he truly doesn't notice certain things, or just tells me that so I don't get on him for not addressing it. A great example: the other night, he, SD14, and I went to a couple stores. SD was in a good mood and interactim, it was a pleasant time. In the car, she was talking about how she had a text over countries the next day, and they were supposed to have a sub so she was just goimg to print it all really small on a strip of paper and hide it in her sweatshirt sleeve. I am sure she was looking for a reaction, but when DH was just like, oh ok,the idea took root. When we got home, she needed his help on the computer, and a little bit later she was looking for scissors. I didn't read the paper she had, but it looked to me like a really small printed list. She went to take a shower, and DH made a comment about helping her. I couldn't resist, I asked if he was helping her cheat. He was like what? no, why would I do that? I asked if he did not hear the 4 times she said what she was going to do in the car, and that's what the paper she had looked like she was doing. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. The next morning he said, I just wanted you to know, I talked to SD and told her I didn't want her cheating. I said, that's great, but this is a good idea of why I get so frustrated, these things happen and you act like you have no idea they are happening. Just like the way she has been cursing, telling him not to bullsh*t her or to *ucking stop....he claims not to notice. When I said that, he said he corrects her. Well tonight, she was dropping f bombs and other things and he didn't say a word. I get that things that bother me may not be a problem for him, but why lie about it? It makes me question my sanity when I hear and see obvious things, that he claims to have no clue about. Am I breaking a rule of disengagement by worrying about these things?

Thought so :/

Well yes except if quiet

Well yes except if quiet enjoyment of your home includes not listening to cursing every five seconds. It is not your job to raise them, however you do not have to deal with crude behavior in your presence. You get to make your displeasure known.
The cheating... that would fall under a disengagement ban.

That is the thought line I am

That is the thought line I am trying to follow. I was just genuinely flabbergasted that he would aid and abet cheating. It was about that more than her cheating, not my circus and all. I need to learn not to ask questions! Ironically, the cheating, which doesn't affect me, is what he chose to address rather than the cursing, which does. Baby steps I guess.

Hahahahaha, SD - Daddy, I

Hahahahaha,
SD - Daddy, I need a couple of condoms, a bottle of wine and some candles.
Daddy - Ok, what kind of wine honey?
SM - So, you’re ok with her having sex?
Daddy - What!? She’s not having sex!!!

oh my, this made me laugh so

oh my, this made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that. YES, exactly

Well he might be one of those

Well he might be one of those guys who does not listen to women talking (he just stops paying attention when he hears womanly voices)
It seems he does this with both you and SD. She just figured out how to use it to her advantage!

Completely oblivious...This

Completely oblivious...This is my DH exactly! A few years ago when SD lived with us full-time, my SD would chatter non-stop to both of us about how she & her friends would find the easiest way to get A's in school by manipulating the teachers. At first, I tried to intervene and talk to DH about how that's not the path SD should be going down. Of course, DH accused me of being OVERLY involved and he completely blew me off. After too many fights, I just gave up and decided to disengage altogether.

Also, SD would walk in from school carrying a backpack twice the size of when she left for school in the morning...Because she was bringing in "sexy" boots and clothes...and for God knows what...!!? She also did fake things like print fake certificates of "First Place All-State Champion" winner..... then distribute them to her teachers to convince them she accomplished things she really didn't do. One day, SD's friend actually came to our door to drop off one of SD's fake certificates. DH answered the door, thanked the girl, and put the fake certificate in SD's room...without even noticing the fake certificate!!

I really thought he was going to call SD out on it but he never did!! Again, I tried to say something but DH just shut me down.

So now, a few years later, DH doesn't know this, but I do....SD is now living with BM full-time and she has a new iPhone. SD has had several different credit card bills being sent to out of state locations....the bills don't get paid...then a new credit card "magically" appears and is billed to a bogus out of state location...I'm thinking, Identity Theft?? Fraud?? No matter what it is....Not good.

Moral of the story: Oblivious DHs only lead to bigger problems in the end...But some of us SMs could have helped prevent more serious problems in the long run, if only they would listen to us instead of getting offended by our observations....

Yeah... this isn’t how

Yeah... this isn’t how disengagement works. You need to work on your skid earmuffs and tune it all out. Let your DH parent how he wants to and see how that works for him.

If something is causing you

If something is causing you displeasure, such as SD dropping f-bombs around you, tell her to stop cussing in your general area. If it causes your DH to say something, just look at him and say, "I don't like X, and I'm not going to sit idly by while it happens in front of me in my home." Then go back to reading, watching television, etc. If your DH continues, just say, "I have made my stance known, and there is nothing further to discuss."

If she is supposed to do a chore and doesn't, tell your DH it needs done. "DH, it's SD's night to do dishes and they aren't done; handle it." Then walk away with a glass of wine.

If it is something truly parenting related, leave it alone. Either Dad needs to teach her or natural consequences need to. Just let your DH know where your lines in the sand are. "DH, no child of yours or mine is living in this house with me after age 18." "DH, no minor is going to drink or do drugs in this house so long as I live here." "DH, no minor will have have their SO stay under this roof overnight while I live here." If/when a line is crossed, let DH know it's unacceptable and that he needs to fix it or you will by leaving or kicking him out - then follow through.

“then follow through“ Well

“then follow through“

Well those are the magic words! So many people rant and rave, bitch and complain but never ever follow through.

If they did, most of their problems would disappear!

This is only my opinion but I

This is only my opinion but I have to think he can't possibly be tuning out ALL of this. Possible reasons to lie ...he may be ashamed that he doesn't do something about her behavior when she acts that way. He sounds a little like my SO. She would really rather avoid confrontation and let her kids have their way then have conflict trying to correct bad behavior. The reasons people are like that, though, vary greatly so I'm not sure why your DH does it (what does DH stand for exactly? I have figured out most of the rest but I don't know what the 'D' in DH actually stands for lol)

Since you are working on disengagement, though, you are basically just supposed to sit back and try not to notice any of this. I am working on it myself and it has been extremely hard but me and SO have only had one Skid related fight and it's been nice. The only skid related fight we did end up having happened because she got nosy about me being on this site...which I told her part of the arrangement would have to be that this was my private thing so that I have somewhere to vent and to ask questions and that what would go on between her and skids would stay private between her and them.

Lol sorry I didn't mean to make this about me.

Ultimately...I am right there with you in this situation. Figuring it out one day at a time in some ways. Good luck girl!