Looking for help...
I found this site while searching for help with my 14 year old soon to be step-son. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years, and her son and I have never really had a close relationship like a lot of the ones I have read about on here. I've always taken care of him and taken him out to do things and spent time with him, but I've never really felt the bond that I feel I "should" have with him. Over the past year or so, as he's getting into his teen years, he's been getting very aggressive and disrespectful towards his mother and grandmother (his father is not a part of his life). He lashes out at them, throws tantrums, began yelling and cursing at them, walks out of the house when he's disciplined and has attempted to skip school on at least 3 occasions that we know of. Now, I'm aware that teens go through hormonal changes and have these kinds of mood swings, and while he's never acted out towards me, I can't help this anger and feelings of dislike I have for him after seeing the way he treats the woman I love. We've been engaged for just a few months and while this should be one of the happiest times of our lives, it feels like all we ever do is talk about him and his behavior, my finace is constantly in a bad mood because of something he's done or said, and I honestly don't know what to do. As in love with my fiance as I am, I'm honestly beginning to question if this marriage is a good idea, considering my feelings towards her son. But I'm not sure if or how to bring it up to her without making her think I don't want to marry her. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments
I'm knee deep in a 5 year
I'm knee deep in a 5 year marriage with a situation like this.
DO NOT get married until the boy moves out. TRUST ME.
That's what I've been
That's what I've been considering, but I don't know how to tell her that without hurting her feelings.
I don't fully know what to
I don't fully know what to do... BUT. Don't feel the pressure of "should" have. Love can't be forced and neither can a bond. Your relationship is with his mom and not him. You can't magically forge a bond, those take time, and sometimes never happen.
Thank you so much, I feel
Thank you so much, I feel like such a horrible person because I feel the same way, like I picked her not him. But at the same time I'm always hearing people say when you decide to date a woman with children you need to love and accept their child too, but I feel like that's not fair! Why should I have to miss out on the most amazing woman I've ever met just because her son is (for lack of a better word) a jerk!
Just because you date and
Just because you date and love somebody does not mean you have to love their child! This is where blended families fail because they force a person to become a parent to a child they had no part in creating let alone any part in raising.
Your SO has had 15 years with this kid, you have had 5! You are not a parental figure in this kids life, if anything you should be viewed as an adult that the child should show respect to, the same way they would a teacher or a family friend.
You absolutely do NOT have to
You absolutely do NOT have to love their child. If a love forms that's a bonus. But you can't just be expected to pull feelings out of your a$$ because someone said so. The child will potentially be gone at 18, your spouse is the one you spend forever with. So it's naïve to say that when you fall in love with someone you have to have an auto-relationship with their kid too!
Feelings can't be forced, I think lots of step-parents struggle with this... You have all these people saying "love them as your own," "you have to love the kid," etc. But the truth no one realizes is they're not your own, love isn't a forced thing, and while I think part of love is a decision, it has to start from emotion and feelings, and those develop on their own. Be polite to the kid, support your spouse as a parent, but by no means is love required in that situation.
Don't "Should" yourself!
Don't "Should" yourself!
This is your life. Do NOT
This is your life. Do NOT feel scared to bring it up to her. If you are having reservations about marrying into a whole lot of drama and nonsense, then by all means you owe it to yourself to tell her and you owe it to her to tell her. Please do not go on status quo, thinking that there is something wrong with you for feeling the way you do or thinking that things will get better.. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you already know this... things are most certainly going to get worse here before and IF they get better.
The good news is that your SS is not disrespectful to you. Is it because you are disengaged, so he really has no reason to lash out at you because you are not interacting with him much? Or does he truly respect you?
Does his mother coddle him? Does she guilty parent because his father is not in the picture?
Daizy, I've completely
Daizy, I've completely disengaged at this point. I used to try to help, when they would fight I would take him aside and try to speak with him and defuse the situation. I'm currently in a different state finishing up my degree, so my contact with him is minimal. My last visit with them we literally said maybe 2-3 words to each other, and I can tell it bothers my fiance that we don't have a better relationship, but honestly at this point I feel "if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all". As far as his mom, she definitely doesn't coddle him. She grew up without her father as well and never had any real behavioral problems, so she doesn't let him use that as an excuse.
This relationship seems
This relationship seems save-able to me. Your fiancee doesn't Disney Mom him and recognizes that the son has troubles, rather than feeling attacked when you mention the precious. Suggest you sit her down, offer your support and get a plan together on how you will deal with the son. If you guys communicate and present a united front then you can't fail.
My 15 year old recently threw
My 15 year old recently threw a fit that earned him a "boot out of the house" (more like a few extra days at his dad's, then be forced to request permission to return along with a pretty big apology).
While I don't tolerate that kind of behavior, I don't think I'd be able to stop my husband from going off on my son for treating me that way again.
My DH does speak up when he feels my kids are overstepping the line - it's not about parenting - it's about a man addressing the behavior targeted to his wife. While I appreciate that my DH is very quick to defend me, I also appreciate that he generally holds back and lets me address it first. If it happens again, God help the child. lol
And I know for a fact that
And I know for a fact that would work for my SS too because his father is such a POS I know he'd be BEGGING to come home. The problem is all his BF does is deposit the child support each week, and that's it. He hasn't had any contact (by his choice) with the child in a few years.
Have you tried saying to the
Have you tried saying to the kid, that if he was a grown man he'd have had the daylights knocked out of him for the way he's treating "your wife"?
Lol I've thought it SOOOOO
Lol I've thought it SOOOOO many times, and SHE has told him that. His response, "if I was a grown man I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have to deal* with you" :jawdrop:
lol... reply.... "you're
lol... reply.... "you're lucky you're not a grown man because if you were I'd be dealing with you like one"
Sounds like maybe your SO
Sounds like maybe your SO doesn't know WHAT to do to help her son. She might find resources that can help guide her, because this boy is going down a dangerous path. Maybe she can speak with a school counselor, who can recommend a counselor for her (not for the son because I doubt he'd go). She needs tools to set boundaries, expectations, and consistency.
If I were you, I'd not get married or move in until this boy learns how to live in a family, and that means showing respect to his mother. He has permeated your life with your girlfriend to the point that he is what you talk about, and her moods are formed based on his actions. That's no way to live, much less contemplate marrying someone.
She does actually does
She does actually does discipline him. She's taken away his phone & internet privileges, she's cancelled trips he had planned, she's grounded him, he just doesn't care. And the issue is he isn't a disrespectful kid in general, like to other adults hes polite and does what he's told but when it comes to his mother and grandmother he just feels entitled, that because they're his family he can act any way he wants.
It's a normal 14 year old boy
It's a normal 14 year old boy lol, the only difference is his Mother and Grand mother coddled him and allowed everything, thus they where his friends and not authority figures, that's why he's treating then in this way.
It's not to late for your wife to parent him, if he screams and shouts at him, she should simply give him the bitch look and say, you mught think you are a big man but you are only a boy, I'm still your mother and you will respect me, if you keep on behaving like a baby you will be treated as such and then she should simply walk away,
If junior decides to ignore her, so be it, she ignores him back and her NO's should be meant, if he still does what he wants, consequences....
cut the internet, strip his room, seeing he's a man he can buy his own phone and games, she simply removes the ones she paid for etc...
You only support her and make sure she comes through on her decisions, but never in front of the brat, if she catches him taking things not belonging to him, by all means call in the cops, if he wants to act like a man he should be held responsible for his actions and with it comes consequences.
My son hated me since he turned 13, he only stopped when he turned 21 lol, then he thanked me for being a bitch, I warned him a couple off times and when I found out he was skipping school he's ass won itself a place in boarding school, for 4 years..... and he could only come home during holidays.
He begged and pleaded after the first year to return and made empty promises, I laughed and said, sorry dude does not work like that, and stop talking crap to me, you are still the same snot, it's holiday and you've shown me you've learned nothing, look at your room, look at my kitchen, your towel in the bathroom... nope nothing changed, not falling for your crap,
Maybe your wife should consider this lol, military school...... it's not easy being a single mother to a boy...
It has to effect a child when
It has to effect a child when his father wants nothing to do with him. How would you feel if your father wants. Nothing to do with you ?
That said, you don’t have to love your SS. Anything you do is looked as trying to replace his father. It is amazing that a father has nothing to do with his son and the son still love his father. If SS had a half of change he will kick you to the curb for a few hours with his father.
You SO must set rules for this kid and Im force them. Or this is only going to get worst
"It has to effect a child
"It has to effect a child when his father wants nothing to do with him"
I beg to differ, never effected my son cause his father had no interest in him, still to this day my son is not bothered and simply say when asked: He wanted nothing to do with me, why should I worry about him now?
It's all in the way how the dominant parent raise the child, mine never got away with emotional black mail or playing the card, But I do not have a father, am from a broken home.... I never allowed that and taught him, yeah and so what, still does not give you permission to be an asshole, no stop that crap or you will wish you did not even had a mother..
Exactly. The minute the
Exactly.
The minute the parent goes... oh you're right... poor little orphan here's some candy... the kid knows that's a button to push to get their way.
Teaching kids their personal life circumstances have nothing to do with how they behave, is much better than agreeing with them that they got the short end of the stick thus must be treated speshul.
I'm with you Acra... BM has
I'm with you Acra... BM has basically ditched the girls, is preggo with another. Which I've even heard from SD9: "don't have another kid please... You won't want us like mama doesn't..." Broke my heart.
BUT, her leaving them, they've actually improved with DH and I giving them structure and encouraging hard work... SD9 went from a 1st grade reading level, clear up to the year ahead of her, she's coming out of her box when it comes to shyness even. SD4 has become better behaved, and has WAY fewer accidents...
It's less about a parent not wanting something to do with the kid and more about how the other parent handles the situation that makes the difference. IMHO