Step daughter ughhughh part 3
Im a stepmom of 2 ages 10 & 12. I have been around for 7 years. I recently posted 2 rants about my younger stepdaughters behavior and how it's been going on for 4 years on and off.
They have always lived w their mother but do visit here regularly.Anyway, now she is saying how she doesn't want to come over. Her mother told us she's gonna make her so she can't avoid her bad behavior and avoid punishment from last weekend. I know she has mental issues, she's been diagnosed with a few things and is on meds, but she has no issues at school and supoosively things at home have been somewhat good. But for some reason she is so damn disrespectful to me. I barely have to see her but when I do it's like she pushes buttons, says nasty things for no reason and doesn't listen to normal requests like recently us looking at a house we might buy, she was running all over, throwing her shoes at the wall and doing cartwheels ugh.
It's like she tests me and then laughs.
I'm 30 and have no kids yet so I think my patience is thin but I don't scream and yell, I usually go and get her dad to deal w her. Anyway, it's been constantly on my mind how she doesn't want to come over next weekend. I don't want to tip toe around my house, nor do I want her to avoid me. I know it would ultimately crush her dad.
I want to rise above this child and resolve things but she keeps refusing. Saying I'm mean and doesn't care about my feelings (she texted her dad this yesterday-which he immediately forwarded to mom and mom took away phone). I seriously am so nice to this kid. I recently planned a bday party for her and always am attentive. People always tell me how they think I do more and care more than the average stepmom. But I really do care!they are my husband's kids and I don't want problems. Myhusband wants to set some rules and change things in our home but can't if she doesn't come over. Mom says she's gonna make her.ugh idk I feel so stressed about this.
Anyway, this is the most recent thing I
Posted. I know I may sound obsessive but recently since another step daughter thing has happened I feel I don't trust her mom the same. Almost exactly a year ago her mom came over , sat in our living room and said , I'm sorry I didn't listen to u 4 years ago, now I see it. This is when she hit her mom in the face with her cell phone. Now that things are all good at home she's again in denial. She tells me she has my back but no ive seen her Facebook and ever since last monday, this kid has had such a fun week. I feel that the bond I had w baby momma is gone. We have been talking alot in the last 3 years and have gotten real close. I'm sure you will all say it's bs, but we have talked about some deep stuff so right now I'm kind of hurt that all the sudden bm does not have my back in disciplining her kid and how disrespectful this kid is to me, then she knows I can see her Facebook and posts her recent slumber party and fun things they have done since this kid has been horrible to me. In the past she would dicipline her if she was bad at our house. I just see her differently now.
"... include irritable mood,
"... include irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, aggression, and vindictiveness"
The most common symptoms of ODD. You stated in one of the three posting you've made the child isn't working with a therapist and often doesn't take her meds.
Is there a support group in your area that Dad and you could join? I was a bit surprised to read one of your example incidents. The one where the kid made a few comments about the new house you may purchase. She made a few comments about a inanimate object (a house which is a non-living, non-breathing, non-feeling shelter) and you came back on her about being mean and how her hair is ratty and ugly looking but you don't say so because that would be mean.
Your come back , or attempt to reason with the child, ended up cutting down a living, breathing, feeling real life person, yet you wonder why you are the target of her aggression and defiant behavior. Perhaps if you could find and join a support group of other parents/stepparents dealing with children with some of the same mental disorders the child has, you could do some role playing and find better ways to handle interaction with the child.
I also read in one of your three posting that you worked 90 hours in a week. That's a ridiculous amount of hours to work and still expect to function on your days off in a non-stressed manner. Except for catching a few hours of sleep and spending four days a month with two little girls (one with numerous disorders) what else do you get out of your 'off' time? No, I'm not trying to bash, I'm seriously trying to understand why you push yourself to such limits and then expect happy go lucky. I can't help thinking surely you are totally overwhelmed and exhausted. Even with no children EOWE, your kids or someone else's kids. But your 'down' time includes a child with mental disabilities.
And what are you currently doing now on your off time? You're going over and over again both here and in your head about a child having a birthday party at her BM's instead of being punished for her last visit to your home.
When is the last time DH and you took some time off work and did a long weekend together. Just a getting away and leaving it all behind to have fun, unlimited sex and being lazy and relaxed? Just my thoughts, but I'm reading a lady way tooooooo invested in this child and one who needs (for your own sanity) to take a major step back and focus on yourself, your husband, your marriage and flat out just spending some time being all about 'me me me'. Be selfish and pamper yourself the rest of this weekend. Tune out the SD and what ever it is going on over at BM's. Let it all go for a while. No big deal if she doesn't come over for a few weeks. You need to time to refresh and live your nonparent life.
You're 30. Remember that. You're not a parent yet. Remember that too. You can't fix what's wrong with SD. You don't have to be parenting and correcting/disciplining SD. You don't have to worry one iota what the kid is doing at BM's.... and when she is in your home, she's your Dh's problem to deal with. You're somehow convinced yourself that it's your responsibility to make or break this kid. It's not. Don't take her on house hunting trips. Who cares if she likes or will like the house or not. The kid will be in it four days a month and besides that, she will be living in it because it's the house her father provides, she doesn't need to like it, it's what she gets Period.
Anytime she opens her mouth, let her father deal with and answer her.
Wow thank you for taking the
Wow thank you for taking the time to respond all this. I think your exactly right and I needed to hear this. Thank you. I usually don't work this much but with moving costs in the next month I picked up a ton of hours, but your right I'm exhausted and she pushes buttons. When
she comes over next Friday, if her mom really makes her, I'm going to keep my distance and take off opposite days they are over. I wish I had someone like you to talk to more often!!:)