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I think I have finally found out what being a step parent is all about

marina2000's picture

Submitted by marina2000 on Mon, 03/15/2010 - 2:37pm

Hi All

Sorry not been on for a while, been really busy over in the UK. I could really do with some advice, and can only feel I can turn here for it. I have been battling with feelings of jealousy for my SD12 soon to be SD13. My partner knows about it and we have discussed it. But lately ther have been subtle changes in SD12 behaviour.

I work away from home 80 to 90% of the working week, so my time at home and time with my partner is very precious to me. My partner has SD12 50% of the time usually a week at a time, for most of it I am away so she has her dad to herself. Lately when I have come back from a trip she has ensured she sits next to her dad and puts his arm around her, she does thias when we are out now too. Its as though she has become very clingy or insecure or it could be that she is claiming my partner for herself. I am not sure which, but my partner doesn't seem to see it. I just don't feel part of the 'family group' anymore, and because of my jealousy issues I would prefer to be at my place and not see it, when it happens when we are out, my partner tries to grab my hand and hold it, but I don't feel comfortable with it, so break away. I don't know what to do. My partner does try and include me but I would like to hold his hand and SD not be clinging to him.

Maybe being a step parent is all about being pushed away when SD or SS is around and then be expected to cope with the ensuing feeling of a broken heart and being used. Then be expected to be normal when SD or SS is not around.

Can anyone give me a little advice please?

Thank you Marina x

Comments

NaturallyMom's picture

Submitted by NaturallyMom on Mon, 03/15/2010 - 2:51pm

I don't think that's what being a step parent is about ... but to each his own.

I read in one of my psychology courses about the roles of parents - to include step parents and grandparents who become parents. The one thing that stuck out in my mind was how stepmothers seem to be one of three roles: mother, babysitter, or acquaintance.

In my instance, I had to be a mother.
My stepmother is an acquaintance. My father is happy to be with this woman so I do not interfere.

If your partner is trying to show you affection, then I would suggest you reciprocate or your feelings will hurt your relationship. Not your SD hurting your relationship.

As for the SD, provided you have a very long and steady relationship with your partner, talk to the SD. She is old enough to understand.
Depending on your partner's inner strength and security with you, perhaps have him present (not directly there but perhaps on the couch while you talk at the dining table with her). This way she can't make up anything.

Athena complexes generally develop at this age and women develop that Alpha wolf instinct when they are as young as 5 years old.

Once you set ground rules, even if you are gone a lot, you and your partner have to implement them together.

"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the end your right to say it," - Voltaire

marina2000's picture

Submitted by marina2000 on Mon, 03/15/2010 - 3:20pm

Hi Naturally mom, I'm just feeling down about it all at the moment, hence the last part of my blog. I'm not around to talk to my partner about it until friday now, but I'm hoping he see's the fact that she is being really clingy too and we can hopefully tackle it together. And you are perfectly right, if I don't reciprocate I will hurt the relationship probably beyond repair and that is the last thing I want. I am sure once I have discussed it with BF I will feel better. Thank you for the advice it is really appreciated. M x

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Mon, 03/15/2010 - 3:34pm

I don't think that's what it's all about either. I'm wondering if maybe, with your being gone a lot of the week, your DH has spousified his daughter? There's nothing wrong with being affectionate but he's got to set some boundaries in place, let her know what her role is in the family dynamic and stick to it. It sounds to me like she is jealous and marking her territory.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".