DH Still Gets Bamboozled!
So frusterating when DH and I present a rule, then within the week, SS17 announces his weekend plan... and rules be damned! SS17 knows exactly how to juice his dad, and while DH has 90% improved on instantly recognizing the manipulations (from zero percent Disney Dad denial four years ago), he can still be worked by SS17's play. And he got played last night. In a nutshell: he's been grounded indefinitely from spending the night at friends' because he keeps getting high & getting busted with weed (ongoing problem going on 4th year now, no punisments or drug-tests gonna slow that roll!)... but yesterday he announces to DH that the little group of friends is going camping this weekend! What could go wrong?! As a bonus, none are old enough to drive with other minors in the vehicle without an adult 25+ in the car (that doesn't phase them, but reinforces my reasons for signing the car over & having his own separate, self-funded insurance policy whenever SS17 bothers to get his drivers licence). Plus SS17 can be a rude, belligerant loudmoth; thinks he's a tough guy.
I'm dedicated to being disengaged, and definitely counting down the months until HS graduation & SS17 taking this show elsewhere. I get wanting SS17 to do fun things with friends, but just get sick about the continued lifestyle attitude of "keep doing the same b.s. with the same friends" but expecting different results. I certainly don't expect SS17 is doing anything different, and I was really angry this morning but now thinking I need to let it go- SS17 will have to figure it out & DH will have to see it play out before he's willing to see this as just one more instance of lies & con-artistry where the Boy Scout version presented isn't the truth.
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This instantly reminded me of
This instantly reminded me of all the young people in my parish that drive under the influence and kill their friends in an accident, how they all go "camping" for the weekend with friends and even sometimes with a parent who lets them all get so wasted to the point of alcohol poisoning and/or sexual assaults. They are teenagers--they don't make good decisions SOBER, why the hell does anyone think it's just okay to let a known irresponsible pot user to go unsupervised on a camping trip. And then if something bad does happen which the chances are probable, then your DH or whatever victim's parents can run around acting like they hadn't a clue about any mischieve their good ole boys would get into.
I'm all for disengaging but in this particular instance where skid could potential get in a wreck under the influence on a beer run or drown in the river I would talk to my DH. Not even so much to remind him about the kid supposedly being grounded but more of how this will not end well and y'all are liable.
Thanks for the feedback, it
Thanks for the feedback, it validates my "WTF! How is this not insanity?!" vibe. And I am angry with DH. LOVE this man but damn, his ex (SS17's BM) was such a full-blown raging in-your-face nightmare that SS17's replication of some of her antics seem like a drop in the bucket... to DH, but not to me! Just because SS17 is not malicious - just selfish teenager with mad manipulation & pursuasion skills - doesn't mean his b.s. should be given a pass. Give an inch & he takes 10 square miles.
In this case, DH's desire for SS17 to be "normal" & do outdoor, adventurous activities with friends is clouding his judgement on this camping trip just being one big unsupervised outdoor party with obnoxious, stoned/altered teenagers calling the shots. This is because of guilt about not being able to rescue SS from NPD bi-polar rage-a-holic bio-mom until SS was old enough to speak for himself in court, so until then he learned to be lazy (like you wouldn't believe), dishonest, manipulative & conniving, and 99% of the time was in front of a TV or Xbox. So for DH to see him have friends he goes swimming, fishing, bike-riding, and now "camping" with is literally a dream come true. DH was an elite-level athlete in a couple sports for a long time, and always very physical, so one of BM's twisted forms of post-divorce abuse was to keep SS parked in front of the tube & literally daily meals from fast-food restaurants, so by the time he was 12 he was a 250+ lb fat lazy electronic entertainment fanatic, constantly blurting out obnoxious, inappropriate, and inaccurate remarks. So I get that DH is finally getting to see his son be "one of the boys" and tan and (finally) fit instead of a big white immobile blob is literally a dream come true. But I also see this blinding DH to the reality that a pot-addicted, unemployed, 17 year old teenager "deciding" he's suddenly going camping with other minors he's previously gotten busted with pot with & no supervision is literally the inmates running rhe asylum.
So does the wise disengaged SM just stay the f*ck out of it from here on out, and let the chips fall where they may? DH is on board with and SS17 has been made very aware of The Launch Plan that next year when he grads from HS he either enlists (= won't because he's not training & not sudying ASFAB), works p/t with a full courseload @ local college (= doubt it, grades suck & so does attendance; suspect he'd be dropped or fail due to not showing up & not completing assignments), or move out. And I'm counting down and looking forward to when my term of active-duty StepParenting is over. This is overwhelming for me. I need to go to yoga, eat really healthy, and focus on other things.